General How to tell my partner I suspect he has CPTSD

[Notgoodatnames]

(I waffle a bit, so paragraph 3 is kind of the pertinent one)

Hi everyone, it's been a while....

I think I last posted last August when my partner was very stressed and we had a fight about something technically very minor and he didn't speak to me for a month. Since then we've been doing better, mainly because he started feeling better, and recently we've had some real conversation about things and I think have made a big jump forward in terms of communicating. I have to say this is mainly down to him: I really struggle with communication as I have this deep fear of making myself "too difficult" and if I'm too difficult people won't be able to deal with me.

He recently observed that I don't speak up when things are bothering me, I just tamp it all down until eventually it comes out under pressure months later. He essentially gave me a green light to speak up when something upsets me, and made me feel safe to do so. Recently something happened for him - I don't know what, and I don't entirely know if he knows - that knocked him back into a bad place. One of the first signs is that he suddenly stops responding to things: doesn't answer calls, doesn't call back and I never quite know how bad it is or how long it might last.

Anyway, so this time he ghosted me for a meeting we had prearranged to talk about a big project we are working on (we have a business together), which was time critical in as much as it's a big project and worth quite a lot, and money is kind of tight right now. When he resurfaced a couple of days later I was able to tell him what was on my mind - the important parts being that it is very difficult for me when he disappears, and when he stands me up for something important it's kind of like: either he is being an asshole (which he isn't, because he is a totally wonderful person, and I wouldn't have been with him for 15 years if he were an asshole) OR it's that he's not ok. But when he won't admit to me he's not ok it makes me feel like I'm being gaslit, and also it's hard to worry that he's not ok and yet not know anything. He didn't really say anything: he just sat there with his eyes closed and then when I stopped speaking he asked "are you done?" and then changed the subject.

A big big moment for me this time around has been realising that when he does this, he is listening, but he can't respond, and asking if I am done is not dismissive, (which it has felt like in the past), it's more that he is holding out and enduring because he loves me, and he kind of needs to know when it's safe and when the hard-to-handle-right-now stuff is going to be over.

The BIG difference this time, and it feels like a real breakthrough, is that a few days later, out of the blue, he sat down and voluntarily brought up the conversation we'd had and told me that he wanted me to know that none of the times he had not shown up were because of me, or because he didn't want to be around me. He told me that he doesn't feel anything at the moment, or even feel like he knows who he is, or what he wants. And for the first time, I plucked up my courage, and asked him if anyone before had ever suggested he might have CPTSD. His answer was no, and I told him a little bit about it and some of the symptoms: not too much because I didn't want it to be more than he could handle. I did say that there are things that can be done to help manage it and to feel better.

In the past a lot of people had told me that if he wanted help he would have got help, and the fact that he hasn't shows he's not open to change, but I don't believe that. I think he is suffering and he doesn't know why he feels the way he does, but he just thinks it is something that he has to bear, and that it is just the way things are.

I feel like maybe for the first time a window has opened. My question is: what to do next? I had thought maybe of sending him some links to pages about the condition, so he could quietly look at them in his own time, if he want to. The problem is, when I started looking for sources, most of the pages talk about things like it being a "disability" or say that is happens to children who have been child slaves, or sexually abused. And the thing is I don't 100% know what he went through as a child. I know some of it, but I don't know what else there might be.

I'm afraid of either triggering him by these links bringing up something, or that because I think he may have normalized some of the trauma, that he will just reject the whole thing outright because he will feel like it doesn't apply to him, or the specific situations they mention don't apply to him. I thought about putting together a kind of fact-sheet together for him based on what I've read: that way I could list some of the symptoms that I know he is dealing with, or some of the situations I know he's experienced.

The reason I'm here, asking for input, is that while I have the best intentions, I don't want to inadvertently do something that is patronizing, or controlling, or infantilizing, and if I write something out for him is that me trying to control the narrative, or only giving part of the picture? So then I wonder if talking about it some more, might be better because it's more organic - but I worry (he freezes in high stress conversations) that that might be overload for such a potentially huge topic, which is why I thought something written might be less of a threat.

I would add that I am not trying to "fix" him. He is a wonderful, wonderful, person. He is the love of my life. He makes me stronger and better and braver, and I want to do the right thing for him because he just doesn't deserve to feel the way he is feeling right now, and I will support him in whatever direction he chooses to go.

Does anyone have any thoughts, or experience, on how to take the next step with him in a way that is empowering for him to get support if that is what he wants?

I should also clarify that obviously I don't know he has CPTSD because I'm not qualified to make that diagnosis: I just strongly suspect it based on all the symptoms, and even if it's something else I don't believe anything that he is suffering might not be so bad if he can get support for it.

 

[Survivor3]

Why do you think he might have Cptsd? What are the causes/reasons that make you think this?

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I am a sufferer but I felt a need to comment. First off I wish my wife had done what you are doing. I think the book idea is great. There is that widely applauded CPTSD book that is talked about often here. I have read it and it is very good, I am just going blank on the title right now. For me reading was/is extremely important. I started seeing myself and all the things I do and then I began to understand why I did them and how thy harmed my loved ones. Good luck, I think you are on the right track.

 

[Survivor3]

@Lost in the Woods , do you mean Cptsd- from surviving to thriving, Pete walker?

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Yes that is the one, the best book yet I have read on CPTSD. It was a life changer for me. I recognized things I was doing that I was totally unaware of. I read about it hear so I purchased it and for me it was a real page turner.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

Why do you think he might have Cptsd? What are the causes/reasons that make you think this?

He had a difficult childhood where he was essentially abandoned at a pretty young age and left to fend for himself.

He has problems with memory and concentration. When things are bad he has said that he doesn't feel anything emotionally. He is hypervigilant - it seems like he is always on alert - and he has trouble relaxing and staying still. I think he keeps moving to distract himself. When he is not doing well he is irritable and explodes at minor issues. I have seen him leap up out of sleep in a panic because of someone shouting in the street or nextdoor. He has issues with trust. He has said that he feels like he is always alone. He struggles with depression and low self-esteem. He has a hard time maintaining relationships. He dissociates when he gets triggered - I've seen him in that state where it is like his body his there, and he gets through daily routine tasks on auto-pilot but it is like no one is inside. We've been together 15 years but that includes difficult periods where he cuts off communication. He freezes during stressful conversations.

It seems like there is enough there to warrant exploration.

I am a sufferer but I felt a need to comment. First off I wish my wife had done what you are doing. I think the book idea is great. There is that widely applauded CPTSD book that is talked about often here. I have read it and it is very good, I am just going blank on the title right now. For me reading was/is extremely important. I started seeing myself and all the things I do and then I began to understand why I did them and how thy harmed my loved ones. Good luck, I think you are on the right track.

Thank you. I'm going to check out the book. I feel like maybe the fact he is discussing these feelings with me, is maybe partly asking for help?

 

[Friday]

In order to have CPTSD, first you have to have PTSD.

I have PTSD from complex trauma.

It’s also not as simple as trauma = PTSD, & complex trauma = CPTSD.

BUT WHICH IS WORSE??? Neither.

People have severe cases of PTSD, and mild to asymptomatic cases of CPTSD. And vice versa.

Trauma.
Complex Trauma.
PTSD.
CPTSD.
Mild / Moderate / Severe

Those are ALL spinning plates, or possibilities, and that’s BEFORE the fact that life threatening trauma and sexual assault? Cause soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many different “things”. PTSD is just one possibility amongst many. Like what is the next bite you’ll take at Thanksgiving??? Whole helluva lotta different choices. Trauma does that.

Trauma affecting / changing your husband???

Means don’t ask them to see a PTSD/CPTSD specialist (nor McTherapist).

Ask them to see a TRAUMA SPECIALIST. Who will also know what OCD, and poets, and tough guys, and, and, and, and… the same durn way a dermatologist knows 1,000 different skin infections, but you want a cardiologist for your heart, and a cardio thoracic surgeon for surgery.

The WTF is wrong?!? Person… for TRAUMA? Is a trauma specialist.

Nearly all psychologists list “trauma” in their profile, the same way GPs/Family docs list heart problems. But??? Will refer you to a cardiologist for your heart, and the cardiologist will refer you onto a heart surgeon. Meanwhile, finding a PTSD/CPTSD specialist, is like booking a dermatologist, skipping the GP, for heart problems.

Find a TRAUMA SPECIALIST & let them run the dx process. Then they’ll refer to someone who specializes in whatever disorder the trauma has caused or exacerbated. Pain in the arse? Yep! Just like seeing GP, for weird skin colours… and being sent to a cardiologist (why not a dermatologist?!?) who then sends you to a cardiac surgeon. See the broad expert first, who can send you to the specialist. Who can send you onto the expert in exactly what you need. Seriously.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

In order to have CPTSD, first you have to have PTSD.

I have PTSD from complex trauma.

It’s also not as simple as trauma = PTSD, & complex trauma = CPTSD.

BUT WHICH IS WORSE??? Neither.

People have severe cases of PTSD, and mild to asymptomatic cases of CPTSD. And vice versa.

Trauma.
Complex Trauma.
PTSD.
CPTSD.
Mild / Moderate / Severe

Those are ALL spinning plates, or possibilities, and that’s BEFORE the fact that life threatening trauma and sexual assault? Cause soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many different “things”. PTSD is just one possibility amongst many. Like what is the next bite you’ll take at Thanksgiving??? Whole helluva lotta different choices. Trauma does that.

Trauma affecting / changing your husband???

Means don’t ask them to see a PTSD/CPTSD specialist (nor McTherapist).

Ask them to see a TRAUMA SPECIALIST. Who will also know what OCD, and poets, and tough guys, and, and, and, and… the same durn way a dermatologist knows 1,000 different skin infections, but you want a cardiologist for your heart, and a cardio thoracic surgeon for surgery.

The WTF is wrong?!? Person… for TRAUMA? Is a trauma specialist.

Nearly all psychologists list “trauma” in their profile, the same way GPs/Family docs list heart problems. But??? Will refer you to a cardiologist for your heart, and the cardiologist will refer you onto a heart surgeon. Meanwhile, finding a PTSD/CPTSD specialist, is like booking a dermatologist, skipping the GP, for heart problems.

Find a TRAUMA SPECIALIST & let them run the dx process. Then they’ll refer to someone who specializes in whatever disorder the trauma has caused or exacerbated. Pain in the arse? Yep! Just like seeing GP, for weird skin colours… and being sent to a cardiologist (why not a dermatologist?!?) who then sends you to a cardiac surgeon. See the broad expert first, who can send you to the specialist. Who can send you onto the expert in exactly what you need. Seriously.

That absolutely makes sense, and thank you for your input.

 

[Friday]

That absolutely makes sense, and thank you for your input.

<grin> No worries!

You’re with someone for 15 years? You knoooooow them. Know when something is wrong, and probably the source of it, even if you don’t know specifics. (What or why; the homage is obvious the details not). It’s kind of like knowing which way is north on a cloudy day. Time builds instincts, bone deep knowledge, rightness/wrongness.

Everyone is eyeballs deep in dealing with stupid (doctors, politics, insurance), hairline deep if you live/work “in” any of those industries. The first? You know the pain in the arse process. The second, you have even deeper gripes, but are decent at managing the best outcomes.

Psych… has its own / same / similar f*cked up processes as medicine, but they’re different. Finding the start point can feel like trying to play pin the tail on the donkey… WITH a child having a tantrum, refusing to play at all. So the stakes feel like… I can’t metaphor the stakes in play when it’s someone you love who’s hurting. It’s just too brutal. Too real.

Start with a trauma specialist. Masters or Doctorate. So they have the ability to diagnose. Will have advanced training in trauma & trauma specific therapies (EMDR, TF-CBT, etc.). They study trauma effecting EVERYONE, as well as trauma specific disorders. If they refer out for diagnosis? That’s not a bad thing. As, baseline, a psych-medical (to make sure it’s not an infection, lesions on the brain, hormones, etc.) will need to be preformed. THEN, the 200 or so disorders that can happen are ruled out, or in.

Best of luck.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

Ugh. So..... we had a conversation about it today. In some ways he took it better than I thought he would in that he didn't deny the symptoms or even necessarily the conclusion that they are likely to be trauma related. But he basically said that everyone has their problems and he just has to deal with it, and that he'd seen documentaries about people in therapy and they all ended up worse off than they were before. Which given that therapy would probably be a long and difficult road, it would be highly unlikely to be successful if that is what he believes. He is also very anti-medication in general and think they would make him take medicine. I told him it could be his choice of how he worked with his therapist, but.....

Maybe it needs some time to percolate. Or maybe he needs to understand it's not just himself that he's hurting. I don't know. I'm tired.

On the bright side, I'm proud of myself that I was able to bring it up, so there's that, I guess.

 

[Rose White]

Survivors have a hard time convincing *themselves* they have PTSD and go through cycles of complete denial. Someone else telling them? Even less likely to land. In general people are more likely to adopt beliefs that they see as arising from within. Definitely think it will take time to percolate, as you say.

 

[Avocado]

But he basically said that everyone has their problems and he just has to deal with it,

Everyone does have problems that need to be dealt with. This is a blanket statement that's more often true than not true.
At the same time, the support of therapy can provide tools, frameworks, perspectives, ect to improve his capacity to 'deal'. Theoretically.
It could be an asset for him as he manages symptoms, regardless of diagnosis or medication.

On the bright side, I'm proud of myself that I was able to bring it up, so there's that, I guess.

It sounds like this conversation was not easy for you to start or have. Especially when someone you care about is struggling and is not guaranteed to be in a receptive state.
I'm glad you've taken a moment to feel that pride in having the uncomfortable conversation. It is well deserved.

Maybe it needs some time to percolate. Or maybe he needs to understand it's not just himself that he's hurting. I don't know. I'm tired.

Have you spoken to him about how his mental health symptoms are affecting you and the relationship?
I've seen it tossed around here and there on this forum that when active, PTSD/CPTSD symptoms can increase a person's selfishness.

Because the focus becomes more narrowly focused on survival, his blinders could 'be on' and awareness of your suffering could be impaired.
He might not be able to identify which behaviors of his are hurting you and how while dissociated and 'going through the motions.'

After 15 years of being together, I will assume that he is invested and would be willing to take steps to preserve what you've built together all these years.