How Worried Should I Be?

[theshadowoftheliving]

I keep finding myself in my kitchen holding knives to my wrists, scratching them down my arms repeatedly until red marks appear. Then I snap out of it, stop dissociating, come to, wonder what I'm doing.

Two months ago I stuck my head in the oven and turned it on and waited to see how long I could stand it. I thought that was behind me but I keep doing it this week again.

I have a history of self injury, but this feels different, because these are ways I've thought of killing myself.

How worried should I be? I'm terrified to tell my therapist any of this at all .....

 

[Renestel]

Oh this breaks my heart to read. Thank you for letting this out, because it seems like a mental monster that is taking you for a ride and it's not pretty. I messed around with cutting my wrists around 15, still have a permanent scar where that main vein is. The thing i want to say is, you deserve a big supportive hug, I'm so sorry. I've had and have those thoughts sometimes. and damn, it is a lonely, dark place to be. I get there in spots still at late night/early morning mostly. So here's the answers to your questions:
How worried should you be: well, while you know that best, I will say you sound like an 8 out of 10 of suicide. So yes, be concerned. But I think you are smarter than you give yourself credit for, you already know most of the answers to the questions you are asking.
Therapist: TELL THEM WHAT IS GOING ON. thats what they are there for. if you are scared of being judged, open by saying that. But either way, this is a problem. they need to help you dig deep into what you are actually thinking or even trying to get away from while you are doing these extreme actions on yourself.
On the last note, it looks like you have a cat based on your pic. Sometimes when I get REALLY low, I think about my two dogs and my two little cool as hell mice, and I say they need me to wake up tomorrow, feed them, love them, and be here. BE HERE. Sometimes when you don't even wanna live here for yourself, you should live here for the people or animals that depend on you and love you. It is a great inspiration when you have nothing else and are waking up in depression and hurt. Don't ever leave others abandoned because of your pain. That is the only push I can give you. Hugs and support - R

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

If a good friend or even someone you barely knew came to you with what you posted what would you tell them to do? Now be honest with yourself.

Would you tell them it's time for some outside help from a doctor or therapist?

Would you tell them you're worried that they might unintentionally or intentionally seriously harm or even kill themselves?

Would you beg and plead for them to get some support and helpbecause you're so worried for their safety?

You deserve what you would say and do for your friend or a stranger. You mightn't be able to see it right now but you do.


Please go to a doctor and speak to your T. Xx

 

[Nikie]

I keep finding myself in my kitchen holding knives to my wrists, scratching them down my ar...

I have no words for you but I want you to know there is alot of people who care a lot and all I can offer you as a bigggg supportive ..:hug:~~~~>:hug:

And maybe Next time if you really feel like sticking your head in the oven ... Before you do that just stand in front of the oven and live yourself into that pain. While holding the door ... dont open it . See if you can manage to feel the heat ... Warmer and warmer... And then try and just let the pain be and try and see if you can look into it... Trough the heat...Around it to discover the place where that feeling emerge from .... and then do the mindfull stuff like "soften sooth allow... ".. All of this without opening the door to the oven...
Its only a suggestion.. I dunno a lot..
Please don't hurt yourself you are a delicate human being .. All you need is love and care please offer that to yourself.

 

[Ronin]

Seek help please. Urgently.

No shame & no guilt. I don't want next posts to be lacking because one of those attempts lands you dead.

 

[barefoot]

Ah @theshadowoftheliving - so sorry to read this from you.

I think you know whether you should be worried...?
Would you be worried if one of us posted what you have? Or if one of your friends or relatives or even just an acquaintance told you this about themselves? I think you would feel concerned about them and would want them to get help so that they would be safe...?

Please, please talk to your therapist about this. And/or call a helpline and talk this through with someone. I want you to be safe.

 

[anthony]

How worried should you be? On a scale of 1 - 10, the answer is 9.5.

You really need to seek immediate, local help, to get your dissociating under control so that you don't accidentally kill yourself in the process. If you don't want to die, that is.

 

[Justmehere]

How worried should I be? I'm terrified to tell my therapist any of this at all .....

I know it's really scary to tell them, but it's better for your therapist to find out now before it gets any worse and/or before you are dead. Your therapist needs to know, and would want to know. You don't have anything to be ashamed of, it's simply time to pull out the stops and get prompt help.

Tell them any way you can, and if in between session contact is allowed, contact them right away. It would also be wise to seek appropriate crisis services as well.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm still here, I'm still here. Nothing stupid has happened today.

I'm seeing my therapist on Wednesday and I'll talk to her about some of this. She knows I've had some dissociative, suicidal behavoirs already, she just doesn't know the extent of what had happened a few times. I'll try to come clean this time.

I don't think any of the 'methods' I've 'rehearsed' are even capable of killing me, so please don't worry.

And the crazy thing is I don't think, underneath it all, that I want to die. But, that makes this sort of thing feel even scarier ...

Edited to add:

I am listening to all the advice; trying to distill it and process it. It's hard to recognize myself as worthy of the same sort of love and care I would give a friend ... I'm fighting the urge to just write myself off as "I don't matter; I've never mattered; it doesn't matter if I live or die anyways."

I can't imagine myself alive in five years. If I'm just going to die, why not accelerate the process?

 

[Chava]

Don't worry about five years. That's too much for me to imagine too (when in pain I can't imagine having a life in five hours). Please tell your therapist so she can help you! The concerned and witnessing "adult" part of you wants to live, and that's the part that sought help and can also give your therapist more information (send her an e-mail if you are afraid you won't open up at your appointment). Things will get better if you can keep reaching out. It just takes time to heal. The hurt part of you is doing this to yourself and also shy about asking for help. Glad you posted and I hope you share this with your therapist. Just sorry you're going through this. Keep us posted!

 

[Ronin]

If I'm just going to die, why not accelerate the process?

You're not going to die - and I know, too much of a thought process from there, that's probably shockers.

Start with that appointment please. /That/ road starts with telling your therapist as a very solid first step. :tup: You've got this. ;)

 

[joeylittle]

I don't think any of the 'methods' I've 'rehearsed' are even capable of killing me, so please don't worry.

Here's the thing: it only takes one mistake. If your dissociation is heavy enough that you are coming back to the present moment mid-self harm, even if it's gestural only, or seems harmless - then you are capable of picking up the sharp knife just as easily as the dull one.

I'm with @anthony - you should be concerned at a 9.5 out of 10, and it's not worth tiptoeing around. If your therapist is experienced in crisis and trauma, they will not flip out, they will make strong efforts to keep that level of dissociation from happening.

And if you aren't comfortable talking to your current therapist about this, you might need a different therapist for where you're at right now. (My biggest criteria was having one who was very comfortable with suicidal ideation and confident in their crisis management skills.)