Human Connection Freaks Me Out

[Chava]

I did get out to a concert at a small venue this week. And an AA meeting. I talk to my colleagues at lunch. I'm not a complete freak. But I have not had a close friend in years (my few close friends have all been eccentric outcasts and adopted and/or had major early trauma...we have some kind of common vibe that we pick up and it makes things easy). I have nobody to really talk to about stuff. I have a really hard time talking to my therapist, though I like her and trust her about as well as I can trust a person. Dating..forget it. I was able to do sex and short relationships for a while but realized I didn't like any of it. It's not what I want (real connection...but I don't know how to get that).

I spend a little time around other people and then just want to crawl into my solitary shell where everything makes sense. I'm sometimes sad feeling like this is how it will always be because this is how it has always been. My therapist said I have sort of defaults, but can learn to work around some (I assume like showing up at things like AA and at least connecting to others on some level). We are working on the connecting stuff and will talk more about the "default" stuff....trying to kind of grasp what parts of myself I accept and what I keep working on.

Supposedly I improve the connection to myself first...but it's hard to know when I'm enjoying staying in my little shell too much. I've totally adapted here...it always feels more safe. Needing others or even having a friend feels sort of like a rare event that you put a lot of energy into, like a vacation to a foreign country. Not a regular part of being a human being.

I'm sad but can't let myself feel it without feeling like I'm dying. So, I don't feel either. I'm mechanically okay. Which is better than wanting to destroy myself. Able to be a bit more aware because I'm not internalizing it all so badly. I'm not a horrible person. I'm not invisible and I'm not unreal. I just have badly broken parts.

 

[Friday]

Question...

Do you want connection? (Or want to want it).... Or is it something you think you "should" do because other people do (or any other reason).

* * *

I just ask because I know a few true loners. They have their lives set up exactly how they want them. Emergency stuff is arranged for 3rd party. They're not hiding from the world. They're not wanting things they are having difficulty bringing about. There not unhappy with their lives. To the contrary, each loves their life. Exactly how it is. They're true-introverts. Although, none of them are shy. Or I'd probably never have met them! Or, to be more accurate, know that I met them!

Now... Clearly, all of them are connected in some ways (again, how I met them). Boat-Guy interacts with ports & restocking land wise, as well as coast guard/ sea patrol & other boaters at sea. He corresponds with people he's interested in talking to. (By letter, mostly). I've lost track of him in the past few years. Even so, I heard from him -at most- a couple times a year. But he let me look over some of his correspondence once upon a time, and he has some active and engaging debates going with some professors/ journalists/ etc. He occasionally gets the itch to be social, and that's found in any port. Scratches it, and it's another few years before it itches again. He's been sailing over 20 years. Known him for over 10. Not the first time we've lost contact. Once I've got a way to be reached, I'll leave the address with the harbor master's office in a few places he visits regularly.

It's a different life than most people lead. But it's not wrong. Takes work to set up, just like it takes work to set up a more social kind of life. Even without PTSD, both take work. With PTSD? Well, work x10, probably. For either lifestyle. Just wondering which lifestyle it is that you want to be working toward, versus which lifestyle you are working towards.

 

[Chava]

Do you want connection? (Or want to want it)....

Both. But in an extremely nerdy introverted way. I have had a few good friends. They move for work, or I left for a year of treatment....you know...and then it's years before I click with anyone and now I'm just sort of afraid. I'm too weird. I'm a little schizoid and a little avoidant, but not totally either. I want meaningful connection, not a lot of it, but just to feel connected somewhere.

If I liked my paintings (I do not!) I feel like I could really just love that. I really relate to artists who can just paint and shut out the world, aside from the lucky ones with a good buddy or two. So I do have major loner tendency. I just want to feel okay. But in the world of humans, I wish I could confide in others. I remember feeling sad in junior high when my friends would tell other friends about their boy problems. I was the one they bullshit with or smoked with. I didn't have a sort of emotional approach that anyone could read. And I felt sad for it...I wanted someone to need me. Still the case. I've been a decent support for a colleague who has had a hard year and it feels really good that I can do that much.

Ideally, I need to move to a bigger city to find more weirdos. My good friends have been the over-sensitive ones who have gone through rehab after quitting the symphony, published books, built weird boats, taken a decade to finish a PhD because they couldn't function around their perfectionism...and I loved having them ruminate out loud to me over their thesis problems that I didn't understand. It felt good that they chose ME to be there, to help them through their weird chaos. Or the good friend who was massively creative but struggling BPD and all over the place. I loved talking with her and helping her through a rough season. I want these kinds of friends. But they aren't everywhere. I do cherish them and don't want to shutdown and never believe in friendships.

Thanks for reminding me that I can create the life I want @FridayJones . I've gotten beyond "shoulds" and in many cases gladly accept that I'm a weirdo and an introvert. But for the wanting to connect...it's really hard. I hope it's something that can somehow improve through more therapy.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Joni Mitchell, way way back, asked where are the crazy people. California. So she went to Califirnia and asked, where are the crazy people. Los Angeles. So she went to Lis Angeles and asked where are the crazy people. Laurel Canyon. So she bought a house in Laurel Canyon, home to many musicians since the 60's. And she paints and paints. Your post @Chava sounds just like her in interviews I've heard her give. Crazy? I think not. Sensitive and brilliant and gifted, yes, but she has few friends.

You always strike me as someone with many gifts and an expansive mind. That's a heavy load, girl. Oh, and she has suffered for years with debilitating pain. I hope you can tap into that creative part and use it to help you process your place in the world. I think music and art are simply a conversation with the world.

 

[watundah]

Love that post, Kwan. First we must be comfortable in our own skin. Then others may crawl under it.

 

[Chava]

You always strike me as someone with many gifts and an expansive mind. That's a heavy load, girl. Oh, and she has suffered for years with debilitating pain. I hope you can tap into that creative part and use it to help you process your place in the world. I think music and art are simply a conversation with the world.

Thank you @KwanYingirl for that. If I could just reach across the U.S. and give you a hug. (and needing to remember that music does connect me to "humanity" but regular individuals every day)

 

[Hope4Now]

@KwanYingirl...great post! I second what you said.

It's not what I want (real connection...but I don't know how to get that).

I struggle with this too. When I can find real connection, it feeds my soul. Otherwise (which is around 98% of the time) it saps me. It is very, very difficult to find real connection with people I think.

Ideally, I need to move to a bigger city to find more weirdos.

Yes, yes, yes. I have no idea where you live. But some of the best things I've done is seek out places and venues with lots of "weirdos." Usually they're places where artists and writers and intellectuals gather together in one form or another.

You're not a weirdo, although I know exactly what you mean when you say that. Don't give up. You will find the balance and you will find the right people if you stay openhearted and curious.

Good energy, dear @Chava.

 

[Care Bear]

@Chava I'm not sure I have the best advice to offer, but I would like to offer my recognition of how hard that is! It makes me long for my years of college and grad school. Please don't sell yourself short, and remember that it's sometimes hard to find people who feel life so deeply and experience it so fully. Many would prefer to distract themselves from it all, never face their demons, and then crash and burn in a mid-life crisis. Or that's at least what I tell myself ; )

It sounds like you are doing a great job with your friend who needs you. Maybe it's not that you're not approachable, but rather that it will just take you longer to find the right kind of people to spend your time with. Don't settle for less, it's always worse to feel "alone" among people who don't suit us, right?

 

[fellowsufferer]

@Chava i can relate to your post in the sense that staying in your little shell is safe and comforting. I do the same thing. I go to work, do the nessesary stuff and retreat into my home. But i crave human connection, i feel that i need it. It's the most important reason that i went into therapy. For me making connections with people have a lot to do with having things in common! Because i was so traumatised as a child, i could not develop in a healthy way. I internalised the rejection and gave up. There was no one to comfort me. I retrieved to the only one left: myself (still doing that) Later my little attempts to connect with people had one common denominator: pain, rejection. I attracted people who were also hurt and rejected. I had that in common with them. I think that trough healing those wounds, we gradually can make some meaningfull connections with others. Than we don't only have pain, but these other things (joy, ability to relax, trust,love,..)can take their place. I think this will be the ultimate outcome of therapy and progress, otherwise there would be no point tot me in all of this. I wish you well on your path from surviving to thriving!!

 

[Flossy]

@Chava
I have found for myself that the answer for me is to "be around" people and be happy with that. For me, this involves going to a coffee shop every day. A different one or a favourite one. I get to feel I am part of a community. People know my name, smile at me, talk to me. I meet weirdos and talk with them, sometimes sit and have coffee with them, but there is no expectation of me and that works for me. It makes me feel I belong. I don't try to take a connection any further any more. I can then go home to my haven and enjoy it.
I know I will be going back the next day to have another connection that I can enjoy even if it is just watching the weirdos and life itself walking by.

 

[Chava]

It is very, very difficult to find real connection with people I think.

Glad I'm not alone, though wish it wasn't hard for any of us. It seems so basic. Far from it. In the past year I have stayed more curious, less self-hating too...trying to tease out what is what...I am definitely introverted. And a weirdo. But the connection stuff...like how to even make eye contact and trust a fellow weirdo...hmm. I hope I can improve in that area. I'm such a hermit. Thank you so much @Hope4Now

Please don't sell yourself short, and remember that it's sometimes hard to find people who feel life so deeply and experience it so fully

Thank you @Care Bear ...that is an important reminder and sometimes I do remember to take that perspective. I'm quirky. I notice many little details and like to get into the deep stuff...feel at a loss when the conversation is about t.v. or gossip, etc. When I feel more desperate to connect with others it's easy to bury or toss aside all these little parts of me that don't seem to fit. Then I just feel empty anyway. So it's a hard balance of protecting my true self but also not believing I fit nowhere. The quirks tied to very early feelings/beliefs get me so stuck feeling like an alien invader sometimes.

@fellowsufferer ...thank you. I agree that a big part of healing or recovering is being able to feel joy and also more meaningful connections. I hope we're both on the right track.

Thanks @Flossy too...I do try to get out and just be around people (in places that feel like they have a comfortable vs freaky vibe). Even that is hard, but it helps somewhat. I really just want a good friend who can come over for coffee.

 

[ghotiff]

Finding friends in my view is a numbers game. One needs to meet one hundred people to find just one person to enjoy coffee with. Then to find the friend that you want more coffee with, takes even higher numbers.

So my theory is, join groups that interest you so if you don't find anyone in the group at least you enjoyed the activity and then be patient. Finding that person who you can truly connect with is a combination of numbers and luck. Good luck.