Supporter Hurt

[Melamel0419]

Hi : my name is Mel and for over a year I dated a Marine Veteran from Gulf War.

When we first met he made some mention about having PTSD when he returned like not being able to listen to fireworks to not being able to smell salt water and being near a beach. After that I never thought about it or discussed it with him as he said he was great, life went on.

Through the year i saw unusal behavior, like the anger, moodiness, disappearing for several weeks at a time, and he would accuse me that I was trying to control him and the list goes on. In the last several months, he had some big major stuff at work occur that it caused a trigger, and since than he became worse. II became an enemy and he no longer trusted me, even exhibitign paranoia. He became more Distant, angry, hostile, verbally abusive.

At first I though he had Bi-polar, and completely forgot about that intial conversation with him but after he decided to part ways with me, I relaized it was PTSD. I felt so horrible becasue I just didnt get it. I work as a mental health counselor and did not realize the issues til it was too late. I spent over a month researching and trying to better understand in how to suppirt him and so forth I remember being so hurt and confused , he was so selfish and mean, numb, detached, but when i reached out to him to apoligize and let him know that i beleived he was exhibiing symptoms of PTSD, he became angry and accused me of calling him crazy and i am not some client of his .

He said basically screw my clients and me that he is not crazy. I only offered him support and reminded him I was no there to judge him and also reminded him that there was nothing wrong with him but it was something that happeend to him and wanted to help him. Long story short , he cut me off now completely, even social media and to please leave him alone. I am doing as he wants but it hurt like hell, wondering if he will ever come back around.

I have lived in denial for months as I knew he was going through something. I am going about my life and am working on getting my mental health license , along with life itself. I respect and feel for those who suffer from PTSD, I would never wish this on my worst enemy. I have always helped people my whole life and feel horrible that I could not help him .

I want to be there for him but I realize I cant as he does not want me too. I just want to know if he may come around again, will he ever realize I meant no harm? I do care and loved him at one time and am tryingnot to take it personal but I do know its up to him and not me to make changes and admit he has it, and to take care of it.

Sorry for the long message.. so much on my mind, I don't talk about it with friends and family as they all tell me to move on and stay away.. just nwated to see and know... thank you to everyone for taking their time...

 

[ladee]

I am sorry you have had to go thru this. Not knowing all the circumstances, the probability he would have left is high. You did not say if he was in therapy or on meds. And people that are very educated about PTSD have their loved ones leave also. One thing I appreciated about your post, that you don't wish this on anyone. Thank you for your compassion..
We want relationships, but many times are clueless how to maintain them. Especially if he was not getting any help. Or even if he was. Things just change in a second for us sometimes... so hard for the people around us to understand much less help....
With a loving heart like yours. someone very special will come into your life.... wishing you the best.

 

[BlueOrange]

That does sound hurtful, and painful. I have some idea where he's coming from, having done similar things myself.

He might stay where he is, and remain trapped. He might realise that he is running away from the PTSD, and regret running from it. He might regret running away from you. If he makes both of those realisations, he might then do something about it - but that's a lot of maybes in sequence. Protect yourself by having low expectations.

You say that you feel horrible - you wanted to help him, and it didn't work out that way. I'm reluctant to share your use of the word 'failed' - I'd prefer that you not feel overly guilty about this; I'd prefer that you not be traumatized by it.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hello friend, welcome to the forum! :)

As a supporter myself, I can understand how sometimes the anger can really, really make you feel powerless and small, especially since you never meant to cause any harm in the first place, and your intentions were non-judgemental. It's important to realize here: never take these outbursts or episodes personally. Sufferers are battling every day to escape trauma - I never want to generalize as people are obviously more than JUST PTSD and therefore react and cope in different ways. Sometimes it's hard to cope. Denial can be especially prominent, and it's hard to believe that people aren't being judgemental when you've felt attacked.

My best advice to you is please don't count on him coming around again. He may, he may not, just like any other person would. But you shouldn't let your guilt towards this situation weigh you. If he does come back, then be as loving and accomodating as you can. You are a very loving and caring person it seems. As a supporter, trust me, I know exactly how it feels to feel guilty over not being able to help. But in the end, it's not your fault, and you didn't deserve to be lashed at either. PTSD or not, it doesn't justify verbal abuse.

He seems to want space and doesn't want to speak with you. Please don't take it personally and know that, like you said, PTSD is awful. My sufferer described it to me as struggling to convince herself to stay alive in a world where it looks like everything will hurt you. (I'm sure other sufferers might feel differently or the same; either way a feeling of alienation and being cornered is terrifying on its own) As a result, even if you had good intentions, he saw an attack and reacted as such. As much as you may want to help, the best I can say is pray that he finds the help he needs and attends therapy.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome!

The best thing you can do is take care of you. How he feels and what he decides about the relationship are up to him, and you have the choice to wait or move on. Give yourself some time to learn, process and then make the decision that is best for you.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums!

Take care of yourself, first help yourself, then the others. Otherwise you will both get only worse

Good luck and hugs! :hug: