Hurting

[hermione]

I don't know if I want to die...i just feel like giving up i don't know i am in pain and just its too much sometimes but scared to tell my therapist she was worried before about my nights because i get crazy and a lot of nights i would text her that i was giving up and i would just be crazy emotional i am just tired so tired and everything hurts...i showered to feel cleaner i don't...i just don't know how much longer i can do this....it all just hurts so much i just want to give up most of the time these days its more than i can take right now i am exhausted and just tired of fighting...

 

[ladee]

And we understand, and are happy you posted how you are feeling.. I understand how exhausted you are... this is hard work and we wonder what the hell for.... but some things start to shift a little and then we get it... it does change... what are you doing for distraction.. I know you are exhausted... but this is when you have to find something besides pain to focus on.... we could not do this if all we feel is pain... I dont know what you are interested in.. probably nothing right now... but things that you used to enjoy... go get a cheap coloring book and a box of crayolas... something... anything... to distract your mind for a little while...

It took courage for you to post and say how you are feeling... we hear you... we understand, we are there, have been there, or will be there soon... you are not alone... and this part does end.... not with ending your life... but realizing you get to have a life.. its work,,, and it sucks... and it's exhausting... but it changes... it does, or most of us would not be here to tell you that it does...

Ask your T to help you to come up with a nighttime plan,,, if that is your worst time... then have a plan in place when you start feeling this way, to distract... not halfway into it... but when you first start feeling it.... we have to rewire how our brain does things... and this is a good time to start... hang in here, we are here for you....gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[hermione]

thank you so much for the support. i am just sad and i was going to text my therapist or call her but it is late i am sad and i have been trying to distract it just seems pointless because then 5 minutes later its like back to bad thoughts...i am so tired i want to try to sleep but then the nightmares come...i just need a break from it all...like my brain needs an off switch i have to be up early for work and i am not feeling well physically which is often due to i knw my mental state there is just a lot right now...

 

[ladee]

Your T needs to help you with meds then.... if you are not getting any rest or sleep it only gets worse.. I have been where you are and I understand. Used to wish I had a zipper in my head so I could get the garden hose and just blast it all away for awhile... I do know and it is exhausting.. talk to your T about getting something to help you sleep... thank you for replying.. I was a little worried because you sound so exhausted.... it is hard when the brain never stops... when is your next T appt?

Hope you get some relief soon.... we can't do all this with no sleep or rest... sending gentle hugs for some results with your T... thanks for the reply.

 

[hermione]

Thank you i see my T tomorrow my psychiatrist just prescribed a new med for sleep but she said to wait for the weekend to try it because i work early in the am and she doesn't want me to be groggy i work as a daycare teacher can't afford that really...but i am exhausted just so so exhausted i am going to talk to my T tomorrow in general about a lot of things just i journaled which helps me and helps sessions because i often go quiet if i write it first i can have my thoughts out and i wrote to her i just don't know how much longer i can do this...i am tired i am trying and she has told me i am strong but i just dont' feel it most days...new memories have made a mess of me and i just wish there was a way to make it just stop...if it doesn't get better i will also contact my psychatrist if there is not much my therapist can do to help...my therapist is beyond wonderful i am sure i could call her now i often do but i just feel a bother tonight and have to be up extra early tomorrow i don't even know ho wi function some days....

 

[ladee]

I don't know either... could you go to bed earlier if you took the med ? Is it a capsule or tablet... possibly something you could break in half to at least let you rest? Hope she has some good suggestions for you tomorrow.. It is apparent how hard you are trying... and that takes courage you didn't know you had.... but you have to rest... if you don't have kids to raise by yourself, maybe you could just take one and go to bed early... I hate to think you have to wait three more days before you get some rest... thinking of you... gentle hugs, hope things get better soon...

 

[hermione]

Thank you for the support I took an extra clonopin didn't sleep great at work now but exhausted I was up for work at 4:30am have therapy soon I need to talk about some things that are hard and scared to say I feel like giving up I am just not even feeling well right now physically or emotionally I just don't know but love my therapist it's just hard.

 

[ladee]

Yes it is hard... but hope you look at the fact you were up on time and went to work, tho you would have preferred to not do any 'adulting' today.... am hoping you look at how you are still doing what you need to do.... hmmm, do we get to do what we want to do on this journey....?? Not often... but hopefully you will share what is troubling you with your T today... and please keep in mind, we are a lot less inclined to talk and share when we are exhausted.... will be glad when the weekend gets here so you can try your new sleep meds and get some good rest...

We already have a messed up mind... it doesn't do well at all when we are exhausted... please remind yourself of how hard you are trying... and not wanting to, but doing it anyway.... that speaks volumes about your character and your willingness to get well..

Hope things go well with your T.... thinking of you.

 

[hermione]

Thanks, I worked hard today doubly hard because i am a daycare teacher i am the head teacher and my other coteachers are wonderful but one was out today so we had a sub which is always more work especially when our subs suck for the most part...than i went straight to therapy so i have been out of my house since 6:15am and it is 6:30p.m now and i just bascially got home...it was hard because she read what i wrote in my journal and even she said it was intense abuse and it was new stuff and she said it was ok and she can handle it i often feel people can't...seh said its ok and i am ok and sorry i went through all that she said what i wrote was painful to read she is honest and she told me she was sad i had to go through it i actually appreciate that what i wrote is nothing i have ever shared with anyone and its new memories and she also feels like right now my family is bad for me like my parents and if i had to move back if i get like sicker with my eating disorder i would die in that house and that is sad and its true i would too much trauma and hell...i can't lose the life i have right now living on myown and having a job and stuff but she said i am sick i need to do healthy things. its just hard.

 

[ladee]

Took a lot of courage to share the new memories with her... and she is there for you without a doubt... and so are we....
Sorry the day was a rough one... but you did it... give yourself some credit for that.... I know you think this is going to last forever, but it's not..... you will get to rest this weekend and things will be in a better perspective... not that it changes anything that you are having to deal with, and new memories that are very painful...
Yes, it's hard.... accept that and pick one thing to help you feel better, one thing.... whether that is listening to music, or drawing, or anything you like to do.... sleep this coming weekend... tonight when you take the clonopin... do some deep breathing until you feel yourself relaxing... the med will only do what we allow it to do....

You are incredibly strong and brave.... instead of telling yourself how hard it is.... tell yourself you are very capable of doing one small thing to help you feel better... will it fix everything.. NO, will you get a little relief, possibly....

 

[hermione]

Thank you. I am just exhausted today I came to work but it's a struggle. I love my job and it's better for me to be here I just feel like I can't some days like I just need it all to go away thank god tomorrow is Friday I just want to sleep and just feel a little better it feels like it's all falling apart ...or I am

 

[ladee]

Keeping in mind, feelings are not facts.. Hopefully when you get some sleep, things will not feel so overwhelming... our brain is not created to constantly process pain without a break, with out it shutting down for awhile.... admire you for going to work.... keeps you distracted for awhile... just make sure you are pushing yourself so hard that you collapse... just concern... not judgement.