Hurting

[hermione]

Thanks for the support I texted my therapist last night and she said maybe I should take a day off to just sleep. I chose not to I am tired but work is providing distraction I just am struggling and feel exhausted now that it's nap time for the kids I am not as busy I need the end of the day I am basically going to eat dinner take my medication which my therapist said I am small so it might be strong and I have to see my nutritionist in the am so I should take it early because I could be groggy but I need some sleep so going to bed early can't hurt and I don't know how it will affect me...I push myself hard sometimes too hard maybe

 

[hermione]

i took the medication i slept better which is good i felt a little better today but still struggling and just don't know how i can do this too much in my head about my abuse and the details i now remember and just its so much...i see my therapist tomorrow so that will be good she is wonderful made next appointment with my psychiatrist because i see her once a month i just needed to know when my book club is...but i will text her about the medication and let her know how it is going i said we should meet asap as things are not good i mean its not until the third week of May but i see my therapist 2 days a week and its for basically 4 hours as it is double sessions so good to see her tomorrow...our last session was just emotional with sharing new information and i was thrown sort of the rest of the week with sharing and letting it out it was just a lot and she even found what i shared sad like she said if she were going to shed a tear on something it would be that. but she was by no means saying she can't handle it just its sad and it is. just having a hard time. i have urges to cut i haven't done it in 3 weeks but the urges are strong and still just tired hoping this medication is the answer to my sleep stuff as i have had these issues for year with many medications tried and nothing adn it just makes me ten times worse....

 

[ladee]

Happy to hear you are feeling a bit better.. it takes time for our brain to catch up after being sleep deprived and on overload with memories....
The healing journey will not always be like this... if that were so, none of us would be here... it does change, it does slow down. You are 'flooded' right now... pretty much all of us have experienced this and its awful and feels like there is no end to it.... but hopefully you are trying 'distractions' too... it is about learning, key word there, learning, to self regulate...

You are a teacher.. you know that repetition is the only way we truly learn something...
Hopefully you will get even more rest and that will help even more.... thinking of you.

 

[hermione]

thanks so much for the support. yea i have been working on the coping skills and distraction i have been working on for months but like even book club this week was not enjoyable but i was so tired i think it didn't help and my mood was in the gutter. its a lot right now and i am taking my med again soon so i can get some more sleep tonight i have honestly been sleep deprived for years it was probably a better night sleep than usual so i can be thankful for that...i have a journal where i just put my emotions as i struggle identifying them so it helps to identify them and helps for therapy as i can be rather quiet. i try to do some positive ones just this week didn't keep up with it but it is good for me ..my distractions are not lifting my mood but at least distracting as much as work is frustrating and at times stressful i mean toddlers lol but it helps because you are so focused on what you are doing hard to think of much else. today i saw my nutritionist i have anorexia and recently had lost a lot of weight and am gaining it back but barely she almost upped my meal plan today i told her give it too more weeks so hope idk she says i have to keep up and stay out of treatment i was getting very close and my therapist told me she truly believes if i moved back home i would literally die and that would be sad...like i couldn't really go back there and i even alreayd thought of ways i would end it or would just fully let anorexia win..if that happened so treatment would be rather pointless...

 

[ladee]

I really do HEAR how hard you are working to keep going. The obstacles you have, and are addressing them all.... but sleeping this weekend is priority.... it will get different, if not always better, but better is right around the corner.... supporting you.

 

[hermione]

thanks i hope it gets better soon...i know it will take time it took me this long to get where i am now over my other trauma that i am not over that one and i talked about it more this just came out a few months ago when my brother well he is now under investigation for downloading and viewing child pornography so i came out with my secret that my brother abused me when we were younger he also after that happened when the cops came to take his computers and my dad called him at work he left work no coat in winter and went missing and tried to kill himself so to say the last months have been hell is an understatement and though my family will not allow him back home they are not handling me well like they won't even hear what happened at all my dad doesn' teven know because my mom does not believe he can handle it...its so fake and they like their image so he still came to my grandmas funeral my therapist tried to have a family session with them before to tell them it was a bad idea and it would betray me and stuff but nope they chose not to and that really hurt through my journal entries and past it has come to me they emotionally abused me and still do on some level my therapist agrees...so its just been a mess the past few months and these new like clear memories of like what actually happened not helping...

 

[ladee]

Yes, your plate is full... and to have no close support does not help.... but you will get lots of support here.... and we do understand, and we DO believe you about your brother. My brother was one of my abusers and my mom still thought the sun rose and set on him.... so I understand the feeling, no, the actuality of being betrayed.... and it does make us feel totally alone in the world and still trying to get ahead of our issues and make sense of why we are even here....

You made a comment a while back about pushing yourself too hard... I so relate to that... until I got a support network, I did the same thing.... had to work at getting 'good enough', if I could just get 'good enough', then things will be ok... uh no, all I got was exhausted and on overload..... like I said, you are on top of all you have going on.... maybe now, by being here, you can slow down a tiny bit and realize you have someone listening and understanding... and you are 'good enough' already !!!! Hope you catch on to that one faster than I did....

Thank you for sharing what is going on... that takes courage, you really are doing an awesome job holding it together.... that is a lot of hard work.... so , being sleep deprived half my life, I understand...one of the beautiful things about being retired.... I can sleep any time I want.... ye ha !!

Supporting you and sending gentle hugs if you accept.... you are going to win this, you are too smart and work hard and you got this.... hope you get another good nights sleep....

 

[hermione]

Thanks for the support i am lucky to have a wonderful treatment team and happy to have found here where people understand what i am going through. i am holding it together the best i can i feel on an edge about the fall off actually journaling now because i have therapy tomorrow and feel it will help to have some things written out to talk about as my voice messages i left her the other day she said she could not understand what i said. i am then going to lay down and go to sleep i took my medication so think it should kick in once i lay down and stop writing. good enough yea i need to believe that i bought a bracelet a little while back that says you are enough it is to remind myself that i am enough. i do work hard to be good enough and push myself very far like never taking days off from work even when sick its just i grew up. thanks for the hugs i need them. hoping for a good therapy session tomorrow even if emotional i know i have my therapists support.

 

[ladee]

Hope you have a much better day tomorrow...be a little kinder to yourself.... it helps..
Gentle hugs.

 

[hermione]

Thanks for the support my therapist and I went over a sleep routine for me to follow along with meds to help me get rest as she feels I need it. i texted her last night I was just in a lot of pain and she told me today in session there in this situation is nothing she can say to make it better she can say a lot for a lot of things or challenge me on some things but this there is not much to be said the pain is well warranted and she does what she can and she really does like above and beyond. She told me when it gets too much for me it is ok to just rest. I feel a lot right now and she knows that but she said keep following my meal plan and stuff as I don't have cushion at the moment and as my therapist has told me it makes my mood worse when not nourished properly. She talked to my nutritionist too so I have to keep fighting just some days so hard...

 

[hermione]

I am still so tired and in so much pain I have left my therapist like 5 voice messages in 2 days and long texts...she finally got back to me today and said she understands and she also talked to my psychiatrist who is going to look at my meds to see if there is anything she can do...it's just exhausting and I just want it all to be done ...