Supporter Husband has asked for space to heal

[Acheyheart]

My husband and I are 24 and 21and have been together 5yrs, married 1 yr. Last Sept he was diagnosed w Ptsd from a motorcycle wreck 2 years earlier. He told me when we first met he had been diagnosed w Ptsd. I believe this was due to sexual abuse when he was 7. The week before our marriage he was told he was adopted by his dad. I watched him become angrier and angrier the next few months. In Nov, 3 months into our marriage, he began to disassociate and start pushing me away. ( I look back and see this now) We were living separately while he finished school. In Feb he got a job and we were planning to get our own home. He began telling me he was in a rage every day and afraid he might hurt someone. He spent a lot of time at the gym hitting a bag!
In March we were given a place rent free for a year so I began to paint and clean it up w help from our moms. Planning to move in this July or August. He started telling me he was losing his mind and needed to talk to someone. I suggested a T and he said "shouldn't talking to you be enough?". At the beginning of May he told me he could never divorce me, even if I cheated on him. Also, that he wanted children by 30. Two weeks later we had no future! He said he wanted a divorce, I asked why? He said " because we will divorce in 10 years anyway." He was cuddling me playing w my hair while telling me this! Also saying that I'm a sweet, beautiful, wonderful person and could find someone else easily and that he is too much for me.
Got him to T first of June and he was told Ptsd, depression and anxiety and T suggested Zoloft and therapy. He wouldn't get to his doctor to get prescription for a month. I finally had my mother call his to inform her he had had some type of breakdown so get him to doctor! He has been on Zoloft 6 weeks now. I have not had any texts or calls or seen him in over 7 weeks!
From reading this forum I have learned about isolating and why he did certain things throughout our relationship.
What should I do at this point? He is not going to therapy. I don't get much info from his mom except "he's having more good days than bad" or "sleep meds didn't work, will try something else".
He asked me not to text or try to see him and give him space to heal.
After 7 weeks should I text an "I love you"? I'm afraid he might be angry if I do or think i don't care since I haven't!

 

[EveHarrington]

I think at 7 weeks into an isolation that it’s ok for you to attempt to resume contact. Remember, you’re in this relationship, too! You deserve some kind of contact. It’s not fair to string you on indefinitely.

The meds can only provide SOME stabilization at best. If he’s not in therapy or some kind of treatment, he’s not really healing.

 

[Moon-as-blue]

What a terrible situation. I am so sorry for you. You did so much for him, helping him get help and leaving him space. Respecting his will.

I think it is ok to text him that you love him. If you can handle him not answering you and go back to waiting. But this might even be harder on you then just waiting <3

You could text his mom to tell/Show him that you love him.

I Met my husband in summer 2000. We were only 19 and 20 years old. I had only found out, that what i thought was an "ordinary childhood" actually was abuse, neglection.. didn't really talk much about it. Just a little bit here and there. I thaught i could handle it but i went numb. I didn't have feelings - not for me, not for him.. that was irritating.

I can imagine how your husband must feel...

Knowing you really love some one is just not the same as feeling it. And if you only feel it every now and then it feels like cheating/lying. And you certaintly don't want to "pretend" you are loving the person you really love! That is painfull. I've been there, too.

 

[Swift]

Hi and welcome, and sorry you're going through this.

He may well need space to heal... Or he may feel guilty as hell about isolating, be thinking you hate him, etc etc.

I hope I'm welcome to comment as a sufferer. My story is similar to your husband's in a lot of ways.

I was around 19 with a steady girlfriend of a year, who was a wonderful,wonderful woman. On the surface everything seemed great - I was working 3 jobs and studying a hard degree as well as being our university's cultural director and running a choir..... I know a year isn't much compared to you and your hubby's five years, but hear me out, it's a similar story...
What wasn't great was I had pretty intense PTSD from sexual abuse I'd repressed for years, that I'd never disclosed to anyone.

The wheels fell off. Diagnosis, letting it all out, for the first time, is the hardest thing I've ever done. Also the best, if you ask me on a good day. Everything, years and years and years of this shit came spilling out, and I was absolutely overwhelmed. I was so ill I could barely speak, and a question as simple as "what do you want on your toast" would panic me.

I couldn't bear the thought of dragging the woman I loved through that. So, I broke up with her, moved towns and changed my name, which may seem like an extreme reaction,but I was dealing with extreme stuff. I ended up as an inpatient in hospital after a suicide attempt.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone, to witness the immense pain I was in through those times. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy - okay, I'd wish it on my worst enemy but only because it was their fault. But not the woman I loved. I was a wreck - suicidal and a mess.
The next two years weren't much better.

I'm doing okay now, I've just been diagnosed with DID but I am managing most days.

Sexual abuse and sexual partners... Don't go together particularly well. It's possible he needs absolutely no hint of a sexual or romantic relationship right now to feel safe enough to breathe. Safe enough to not end up having a panic attack and crying in the corner hiding under stuff. Safe enough to not throw up on you. Safe enough that he can cope with the situation without dissociating, or feeling like he's being abused over and over again.

I really really did not want the woman I loved seeing me like that. I couldn't bear it.

And... She moved on, and I got better.

Could you perhaps give a letter to his mother to give to him on a good day?

You're doing an amazingly kind, compassionate and selfless thing by even wanting to support him. I wish you all the best.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Acheyheart - I'd suggest you contact him. You are his wife and it has been 7 weeks. Time to even go and see him and find out how he is and see him with your own eyes.

I appreciate you wanting to give him his space, him wanting his space, and his mother helping him have his space. I get the space thing... I am a sufferer too. Isolation is a thing but it can be managed within a loving relationship where both partners are willing to deal with it. He doesn't have to live with his mother to do the isolation symptom.

There are limits regarding isolating too and I think the fact that you are asking about how long is long enough, means that it is time you asked him directly.

He has not lost the power of speech. Having his mother speak on his behalf is a bit over the top. Why are you the only one he is distancing himself from?

Time to step in, albeit just for a moment and ask him.

He really should or could be in therapy. He needs to get back to his life and that isn't necessarily living with his mother and maybe... it's not living with you either. Idk that. But you do need to find out where you stand. Ask him why is he not in therapy? Since when is popping a pill a remedy for all things ptsd? It's not.. (answering this for you).

What are his long term plans? Where do you fit into them? When do you start discussing ptsd as a couple? It's great to have parents help out when things get out of hand but really this isn't great for the marriage is it?

He has had trauma. You are not his trauma. You are his wife and should be a rather important part of his life. Don't apologise for asking and don't roar in like a V8 either. Just push past your self doubt and possibly his mother and have the discussion with him - even gently over several visits.

His symptoms leading up to the breakdown do seem a bit out-there. It sounds like he might have been having ..cringe.. second thoughts about the marriage. Either way time for you to know. Go and ask him and all the best. :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

Why was it that your mom was the one to contact his mother? Why didn’t you contact his mother?

 

[Acheyheart]

Thank you all for responding. I truly appreciate your advice and sharing. You very much encouraged me.

@EveHarrington

I've definitely felt like he has forgotten that I am in this relationship too!

@Moon-as-blue

[I thought I could handle it but I went numb]

I am so sorry to hear that for you.
My husband did mention feeling numb and not feeling the same way about me but said he knows that he loves me!

@blackemerald1

[His symptoms leading up to the breakdown do seem a bit out-there. It sounds like..cringe..he might be having second thoughts about the marriage.]

I honestly believe being told 2days before we married that "his dad was not his real dad" but adopted him is what set this whole breakdown in motion. During the next few months this is what I watched him become so angry about. I've learned that finding out you are adopted at an older age can set off a host of issues. He began to be so touchy if a movie had anything in it to do with not knowing who your father is. Many have sabotaged great marriages and jobs because they lose their equilibrium about who they are. He said many times this Spring " I don't know who I am" or "I've lost myself".

@Justmehere

[Why was it your mom was the one to contact his mother?]

My husband told me explicitly not to tell his parents he went to therapy. My mom was not bound by this so she kindly took it out of my hands. She realized we were dealing with something more than we could handle and said its time for the moms to step in. He would not agree to go to the doctor for medication when I tried so she told her to get him to the doctor and she did. I had every possible reason to be concerned for his safety even from himself at that point. We didn't have many options. I even spoke to my therapist about it especially about bringing his mom into it when I knew there was some anger at her for the adoption but at that point there needed to be someone in the home with him that could monitor him. Especially once he pushed me away since I'm the only one he tells anything or even knew about any of it in the first place. I was also attempting to preserve what little connection\trust I had left with him by not being the one to "out" him and what he would consider "betrayal" regardless of the fact that he left me no choice but to bring in other people and that I was trying to preserve his life instead of leaving him to make all his own rules and drown himself when I knew for a fact that he was not remotely sane or stable at that point.


@Swift

Your story is very similar. My husband has tried for 16 years to hold it all in while having new traumas added. It was also a woman that abused him. I believe learning he was adopted was just more than he could handle on top of the rest.

[He may well need space to heal...or he may feel guilty as hell about isolating, be thinking you hate him...]

I do believe he needs the space but have thought he might be thinking I'm angry even though he imposed the no contact. He does have a history of thinking that I'm always going to be angry at him and tell him to go away or something ..he is really, really afraid of rejection. Over the years if anything went wrong he basically would try to break up with me the next day and I finally realized he was doing it to me before I could do it to him and hurt him like that. He never actually wanted a break up he just didn't want to be hurt by me either. My thing is though ... I'm just not sure how much of his usual self comes into play when he has gone that low and isn't fully in his right mind so I'm really not sure how to judge what to do or say and when or how responsive he will be. Normally I can read him like a book and figure out what to do but this right now....is just on such a different level....with how low he got and the fact he decided I was the enemy to be blamed for everything at the moment has made me very unsure of wether or not to contact him etc because I do not want to accidentally send him into a tailspin and set him back somehow. I love him more than anything and the last thing I ever want to do is cause him any more problems than he already has regardless of what it's doing to me.

[I couldn't bear the thought of dragging the woman I loved through that]

This is pretty much what he said to me. Problem is we are married now. And, honestly, I have been dealing with his symptoms for 5 years. I've seen everything you described at some point.

I am so glad you are doing better and able to manage most days. Thanks again for sharing your story with me.

 

[Justmehere]

I strongly suggest checking out the Supporter subforum for more feedback from a supporter perspective. I'm going to respond from a sufferer perspective.

You have a remarkable amount of compassion and care for him. We need more folks like you in the world.

Since you are married, you have legit and really good reasons to contact him. That being said, I'm really hesitant to suggest someone ignore a clearly set boundary. If you are going to contact him despite him requesting no contact, tread carefully. Ignoring his clear request for no contact *might* be something he takes as yet another sign that he can't trust you. Is that fair to you for him to distrust you because you, as his wife, reasonably reached out to make contact after 7 weeks? No, that's not at all fair. It is the territory you are in right now. Trauma was the ultimate violation of boundaries. If someone is already feeling like a spouse is the enemy, ignoring a "no" is risking more distrust. It also could help him reconnect. It could go either way. You do have good reasons to contact him, and I don't really know if you should or should not reach out.

My husband told me explicitly not to tell his parents he went to therapy. My mom was not bound by this so she kindly took it out of my hands.

I understand your reasons for telling your mother. You were in a tough position. I'm not sure the decision I would have made myself. But, if we look at it from his vantage point, you didn't actually keep his request to not tell his parents.

If I asked a partner to not tell my parents something, and my partner had my in-laws tell my parents... that wouldn't feel like my partner keep information from my parents.

It did go against his request to triangulate your mom into it to tell his parents instead of you. If he told your mother directly, and he didn't ask her to keep it secret, then that's different -- but that doesn't seem like what actually happened.

I'm not stating you did anything wrong, but trying to explain how he might be seeing things, and that this might be one of the things triggering him to see you as the enemy. If he was a minor, or he was about to end his life, I would for sure agree that pulling in anyone appropriate who can help makes a lot of sense. But for an adult sufferer, who isn't an immediate danger to himself (at least you don't describe immediate life and death danger), bringing in others into the loop on things that you said you would keep confidential could be part of why he doesn't trust you right now.

. I had every possible reason to be concerned for his safety even from himself at that point. We didn't have many options.

You always have the option of contacting crisis services (hotlines, etc), especially if there are safety issues. They can help assess what to do. You also did a good thing to loop in your therapist. It makes sense right now that moms have been looped in, but I'd be very careful about doing that. While his mom is watching over him, he already likely feels betrayed by her too because of the whole adoption thing being kept a secret for so long. Relationships with mothers and mothers-in-law are complex relationships, moms can't clinically assess someone's safety. In fact, a male crisis worker giving him a call might have been an opportunity for him to hear encouragement to get help from someone other than another women that he sees as the enemy right now. His mother dragging him to a doctor may have shut him down from sharing a lot of info that could have helped the doc treat him more effectively.

If there is ever an urge or need to get more people involved because of safety reasons, I'd strongly suggest crisis. Their independence from situations sometimes can help someone get help when they are not able to see the need to get help. Again, I don't think you did anything wrong, but this is just something to consider for the future.

If you do contact him, I'd suggest sending a letter via postal mail. Texts and emails can be hard to handle if someone is in a really unstable place. A letter gives someone even more room to pause and read it when they are best able to do so. If you can give him a lot of space to choose to accept communication with you or not, and it might give more of a chance for it to work. I'd suggest starting off the letter with a lot of validation, and hold off on writing anything about not being "sane." PTSD is not the same as insanity. If he is insane, that's another disorder coming into play.

That all being said, this is going to be a long process. If he's not in therapy, I wouldn't expect things to get much better. Meds alone is not the best treatment for PTSD. It is his choice to do trauma therapy or not. It won't work until he's ready to do it, and right now, he doesn't seem ready. Even if you two do resume contact, I would expect it to be rocky for awhile.

My heart really goes out to you. This would break my heart and be so hard for me to endure myself. I really hope that things do turn around soon, and he gets his butt into therapy. :hug:

 

[UnKnown-Self]

You have gotten some very good advice. All I have to add is welcome to the forum.