Supporter Husband with wife who has ptsd, looking for help & advice

[DLZB]

Hi Everyone

I'm Darren. I'm 52. Eighteen months ago i married my wife. In our courtship we'd argued a lot, but didn't think much of it. A counsellor I saw said that we argued well, constructively not destructively. The marriage was in difficulty, however, from a few months in. Seven months in, my wife was diagnosed with PTSD.

She had been physically, emotionally and mentally abused as a child. Then abused by her first partner, and then brutalised by her first husband. He controlled, hit her, played mind games on her, belittled her, raped her and even beat her unconscious. Ten years later she married me,

She says she didn't have PTSD until she married me. She frequently accuses me of being controlling and abusive. We have argued like I've never argued with anyone before. Little things explode into huge arguments. She can be cold, hurt or angry for days and days. It's always about how I reacted - how I said something, how I did something, how I should/could have reacted. It's never about her illness.

I do react badly at times. I find her anxiety makes me anxious, especially when driving. She says she is hurt and disappointed because I am just like all the others, and that she married me because she thought I would keep her safe; safe from criticism, harsh words, and that I would be kind. She says I'm not kind or compassionate. I feel she wants me to create a safe world that cannot possibly exist, one where voices are never raised and I never get annoyed or irritable. If I do, it's always about me. It's never about her illness and how she struggles to cope with normal, everyday things.

I love her. She is talking about ending the relationship and walking away. I don't know what to do.

Are there any other husbands/male partners out there struggling with this? Please? I feel so alone.

Or are there any ladies with PTSD from abuse that can offer me some insights please?

I'm drowning. I feel like I'm losing this battle

Darren

 

[Teasel]

Hi Darren welcome to the forum,

Is your wife getting any help for her PTSD?
Best

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

Be VERY careful!

It sounds like she wants to pull you into a codependent/white knight/rescuer role. This is not a good thing and imho a kiss of death for many relationships.

She needs to get help and heal herself. You cannot do it.

As long as she’s blaming you she is distracting from fixing herself.

 

[Mytime]

Hi welcome to the forum :)

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forum! I’m glad you are here. Be sure to check out the Supporter sub-forum, the best place to connect with other supporters.

It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are reacting badly. Relationships with PTSD in the mix are tough. I don’t think her desire for you to not yell at her is about her wanting you to be her rescuer or not. When a partner yells at me, I walk away, until we are both able to come back. I’m not married though, so it’s different. And you are very right, you can’t make the world safe for her, and you are allowed to have whatever feelings you have. Same for her. What you both do with them is what counts. Giving you the cold shoulder for days isn’t helpful either.

Would she be willing to do couples counseling? You both may need some new ways to work out conflict together, and how to handle it when it does it to the point you are both reacting to each other.

 

[Justmehere]

@DLZB - Please log into your account to post. Thanks!

 

[grit]

There are two people with their own view of the world, of the other, of the relationship and there is a relationship that is between them. It is complicated in its own way.

Unfortunately, most people who have severe traumas who end up getting married, a lot of things can go wrong but if the chosen partner is in it for life, he or she must have its own support, that may or may not include therapy, his or her own life, creativity, friendships basically outside world that is sort of separate from the relationship.

The reason is even though it is known your wife has PTSD, if the two of you are like two monkeys in a cage, it is hard to know who has what? She is she and you are basically a reacting which is not the full truth either. It is also possible that you may have your own issues showing up in the relationship.

If you get your own support, including therapy or not, then at least, you will learn one great lesson in life: your reaction to her issues will lessen because you will know what is yours and what is hers. Now, I am not convinced you are so sure and that is why you are suffering.

 

[DLZB]

Hi Darren welcome to the forum,

Is your wife getting any help for her PTSD?
Best

Hi Berlinda. thank you for taking the time to reply. She has been offered EMDR. However she has so far been very reluctant to accept it. She says she is "counselled out" and needs a break. She has also heard that EMDR involves revisiting the past events and that it can be very distressing. So she is reluctant to go ahead. However, she says she will when she is ready.

Hi welcome to the forum :)

Thank you
All thoughts and advice gratefully received.

Welcome to the forum! I’m glad you are here. Be sure to check out the Supporter sub-forum, the best place to connect with other supporters.

It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are reacting badly. Relationships with PTSD in the mix are tough. I don’t think her desire for you to not yell at her is about her wanting you to be her rescuer or not. When a partner yells at me, I walk away, until we are both able to come back. I’m not married though, so it’s different. And you are very right, you can’t make the world safe for her, and you are allowed to have whatever feelings you have. Same for her. What you both do with them is what counts. Giving you the cold shoulder for days isn’t helpful either.

Would she be willing to do couples counseling? You both may need some new ways to work out conflict together, and how to handle it when it does it to the point you are both reacting to each other.

Hi. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
We had some couples counselling. The counsellor said that all the issues we were struggling with were exactly what she would expect two middle-aged people going through their second marriage to be struggling with. No surprises. She said it was all agrivated by a ton of outside stress (from wider family and work) and especially by PTSD. What tended to happen was that rows would quickly esculate and get out of hand.

I don't yell anymore. I stopped that about 8 months ago. I realised that it only made things 10x worse, didn't help my wife at all, and only made me feel worse about myself.

Now it's not yelling or shouting that's the problem. It's if I get irritable or short or even slightly annoyed. It's a trigger for my wife - presumably because in the past it was a prelude to a beating. The Counselor said that I might speak at a level of 2 or 3 in my voice, but my wife's dial starts at 7! So she experiences it as an 8 or 9 and reacts accordingly. My wife struggles to see this or accept it, because "I can hear it in your voice...it's not all in my head". And so we go round the same loop again and again.

 

[DLZB]

Welcome!

Be VERY careful!

It sounds like she wants to pull you into a codependent/white knight/rescuer role. This is not a good thing and imho a kiss of death for many relationships.

She needs to get help and heal herself. You cannot do it.

As long as she’s blaming you she is distracting from fixing herself.

Thanks for that. I had wondered about codependency. Although I have struggled to understand codependency as in many ways a healthy relationship has a certain amount of codependency to it. How do you think I might prevent the white knight thing from developing? Do you have any particular strategies I could try?

@DLZB - Please log into your account to post. Thanks!

Sorry. Had a problem with my ISP. I thought the site was asking me to log in and then it wouldn't accept my details. Turns out it was a filter on my Internet Router with security settings set way too high! Couldn't connect to anything. Sorted now.

There are two people with their own view of the world, of the other, of the relationship and there is a relationship that is between them. It is complicated in its own way.

Unfortunately, most people who have severe traumas who end up getting married, a lot of things can go wrong but if the chosen partner is in it for life, he or she must have its own support, that may or may not include therapy, his or her own life, creativity, friendships basically outside world that is sort of separate from the relationship.

The reason is even though it is known your wife has PTSD, if the two of you are like two monkeys in a cage, it is hard to know who has what? She is she and you are basically a reacting which is not the full truth either. It is also possible that you may have your own issues showing up in the relationship.

If you get your own support, including therapy or not, then at least, you will learn one great lesson in life: your reaction to her issues will lessen because you will know what is yours and what is hers. Now, I am not convinced you are so sure and that is why you are suffering.

Thank you, that is very perceptive. Yes indeed, I struggle to know what is her issues and what are mine. When someone you love keeps throwing something at you there is a part of you that is tempted to catch it, even though you're fairly sure it's not yours. However 'fairly sure' leaves room for doubt.

I am starting long-term therapy to help me cope. I have been approved and told that the waiting list is only about 4-6 weeks. Any further thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[Mytime]

Do you feel you have your own life outside of the relationship. Do you have your own hobbies, friends? Do you do things with out her? Does she do things without you?

 

[Justmehere]

She has been offered EMDR. However she has so far been very reluctant to accept it. She says she is "counselled out" and needs a break. She has also heard that EMDR involves revisiting the past events and that it can be very distressing. So she is reluctant to go ahead. However, she says she will when she is ready.

There are other forms of therapy that don’t involve revisiting trauma that may help her develop ways cope with her symptoms such as DBT and CBT. Perhaps checking into those would help. She might be right to hesitate on trauma work as it can be destabilizing at first, and it sounds like what she might need is instead a chance to build up a greater toolbox instead of trying to change you.

It's if I get irritable or short or even slightly annoyed. It's a trigger for my wife - presumably because in the past it was a prelude to a beating. The Counselor said that I might speak at a level of 2 or 3 in my voice, but my wife's dial starts at 7! So she experiences it as an 8 or 9 and reacts accordingly. My wife struggles to see this or accept it, because "I can hear it in your voice...it's not all in my head". And so we go round the same loop again and again.

From a sufferer perspective, this is a great explaination. It’s not up to you to bring the baseline number for her down, but again, DBT or other skills based therapies could help her bring the number down on her own.

Although I have struggled to understand codependency as in many ways a healthy relationship has a certain amount of codependency to it. How do you think I might prevent the white knight thing from developing? Do you have any particular strategies I could try?

Try looking for the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself - Melody Beattie

 

[EveHarrington]

she married me because she thought I would keep her safe; safe from criticism, harsh words,

This is where I’m seeing the white knight tendencies where she’s looking to you to be “saved”. Her desires are completely unrealistic given that A) you are human and B) her scale starts at a 7/8 out of 10.

Until she works on her scale, this dynamic isnt going to change. I know, as mine is messed up too, and I interpret ALL anger/madness/irritability/etc as hate. It kind of shocked my guy when I told him this last week.....he was kind of shocked that his irritability with me was interpreted as hate. No raised voice, nothing like that. He tried to explain the differents between hate/anger/madness/irritability but I couldn’t understand.

I think a way of avoiding codependency is by telling her that you will help her get to the right people who can help her. Provide emotional support but avoid any type of fixing activity. I send my guy articles to read about PTSD which apply to me so he can understand, not fix. When I’m panicked or in an episode he will comfort me and tell me I’m safe so that I can calm down. He helps with my breathing as well, but this is the EMT side of him coming out I think. He IS safe to me but it’s not because he does anything special. My system is on 24/7 high alert so my spidey senses tell me if someone is safe or not. I have felt safe around him just for him being who he is. I think if you are cognizant about not raising your voice, this will help her. But again, it’s imperative that she get into treatment. I’m not saying to force her, but if she waits until she’s 100% comfortable with getting treatment, that day may never come. That is, ptsd treatment is THE definition of pulling us outside our comfort zones. And really, she needs treatment as it’s not fair for you to be shouldering the responsibility of making her dysfunction ok.