CraftyCath
VIP Member
I have a very close relationship with my husband and sons and although we have our difficulties (some of which make me want to leave at times) we do face up to them, discuss them and move on.
His sisters husband has had many a dig at me and my husband over the years, always speaks gruffly with us, points the finger but never in the presence of his wife. Even if he has not seen us for years as they live in Italy he will pretend to be asleep and not talk with us. I don't mind someone not talking but pretending to go to sleep?
I had had enough of him speaking to me in a bullying tone every time he saw me as this triggers my PTSD so I sent an e-mail asking him why he does it as it was inappropriate and hurtful.
I got a letter back from my sister-in-law (not him and they live in Italy by the way) saying they were bemused as to why I would raise these issues and said that he had just be joking with me. She said that it was me who had the problem and that only she understood how hard it was for him with his tinnitus and that he had been close to suicide with it. She said the only problem he had with us is that we always talk about ourselves and he can't get a word in edgewise. She said they expect us all to sit relaxed and quiet (even if er haven't seen each other for years) and be reading a book or sewing or something and then one person would say something another would reply and then we would all go quiet. I told them this wasn't the case and that we don't talk all about ourselves (although my husband often does - he's Aspergic but they told me I shouldn't label him) and that I had tried to engage him.
Anyway, they started to avoid us as did the rest of the family. The family would visit us at Christmas, Easter and sometimes Birthdays with cards and gifts and if my sister-in-law was home from Italy she would come but he never would - because he was tired. Now I have tinnitus as lots of people do. I am sure it is terrible for him and much worse than mine but not an excuse for such behaviour surely? Someone told me that the whole family were having a get together at Easter in Wales so I asked them what they were doing and they all lied and said they were doing nothing. When I asked them later why they had lied they made excuses, 'you have a fear of dogs,' 'you have and eating disorder.'
We found out in March that he had told her to leave as he had another woman. He is 51 and she is 27 and Italian. my sister-in-law stayed until June and then came back to the UK. She has told another friend that she still loves him, thinks it is a mid-life crisis and she is sticking to her marriage vows and waiting for him to take her back. I have said nothing but sent an e-mail saying I was sorry to hear this and hoped she was OK (she had moved in with a friend in Cronwall so not near home). She then moved in with her x-husbands sister for a while until she comes home to her sisters on the 18th of December. She is still friends with him on Facebook and he comments on her posts. His sister, who she is staying with, is friends with the 27 year old on Facebook and has said on there that she has spoke to her on Skype.
A week ago I get a phone call from my brothers other sister saying that on the 21st of December we are invited to her house (the other sister will be there) for a 'birthday buffet' for my husbands birthday. Glad I got the call, my husband hit the roof! What on earth are they up to? (A close friend of ours thinks they are trying to smooth things over now that her husband has gone and don't realise that this is inappropriate without talking to each other first. Cart before the horse). So he sent her a text saying he wasn't available as they had ignored him for years and his other sister had treated us terribly. He said he wanted to meet his sisters separately (she still tried to get him to see them both together) to put his views across. This sister has only ever had the opinion of her other sister (they are twins) to go by and when my husband asked her why they had treated him so badly her answer was this....'your Cath has a problem with Clive so we couldn't see you.'
So there it is... it is my fault! My biggest trigger is false accusation and bullying and it has been going on for years. All the dissembling they do, the sweet smiles and hugs and they have all talked about this. Over the years they have swarmed around my sister-in-law and done everything for her and she has been telling them falsities and half truths. This is the lady who had a panic attack during an MRI scan and told me she had 'Post Traumatic MRI Scanner Stress Syndrome,' as she spent months afterwards with her sister recovering from her anxiety.
So now my PTSD, which doesn't seem to matter at all to them is really bad. I am shaking, feeling sick, unable to sleep, nightmares, triggers going off, dissociating and generally feeling FUBARed.
They don't seem to care about my husbands General Anxiety Disorder, OCD and Aspergers or the fact that we are having terrible problems with the lads and who are both unemployed, have GAD and one is undergoing stringent tests for Aspergers as over the next 3 months which involves us having 3 interviews.
But apparently it is my fault. My husbands Dad rang up while he was at work asking why my husband had sent 'that text' to his sister. I had to put up with trying to explain things to him for over 50 minutes while he had a go at my husband, his son. He also regularly has a go at my husband about the lads both not having jobs.
My husband is seeing one sister on Wednesday morning. When he told her some of the things his other sister and her husband had said and done she said,'Oh I don't know anything about that.' So it seems it has been one sided or else she is trying to protect her sister. Both of his sisters and his Dad just keep saying, 'can't you and Cath just put this behind you?'
No! I have been asking her for years to please meet with me on a one-to-one in a public place so we can talk but every time she has refused. We haven't dragged his other sister and her husband or Dad into this but it seems the other sister has. Even now they are still covering for her husband by saying he is just not himself and will come round and take her back. They are all evangelical Christians and my husbands sister says she is praying for her husband to return. Although he has been saying for many years that he wants to stay in Italy while she has wanted to come back to the UK. My husband has told them that he is sick of his wife being treated as the 'black sheep' of the family and I have said that it is unhealthy to brush things under the mat and pretend with smiles and hugs that it hasn't happened. I don't know if his other sister will see us, I have tried so hard to reason with her but she just quotes forgiveness which has nothing to do with anything. It isn't about forgiveness, it is about reconciliation. And then there is the 'love covers a multitude of sins' thing which isn't scriptural. A friend told me that I could use the verse that says something like, 'If one of you sins against the other you should go to that person and be reconciled.' So she will know that is the Biblical thing to do.
I am so scared and ill and frightened and I know they will be feeling similar (except no PTSD for them). They have been very protected and padded in cotton wool in their lives and have had little life experience (no work when they got married, just looking after husband and home, no kids, plenty of money, nice homes, cars, holidays) until the one's husband left her. They are twins and have always had each other but they are nothing alike apart from the lying. Dad and the twins have never even had a relationship with my sons which I don't care about as they would be influenced but my husband does.
What on earth do I do now? What if they continue to blame me for over 28 years of problems which could have been solved with a 5 minute chat? I feel like I'm sliding down a slope and I just can't stop.
How do I deal with this, so close to Christmas which is always a difficult time for me anyway?
If anyone can help then I am all ears.
His sisters husband has had many a dig at me and my husband over the years, always speaks gruffly with us, points the finger but never in the presence of his wife. Even if he has not seen us for years as they live in Italy he will pretend to be asleep and not talk with us. I don't mind someone not talking but pretending to go to sleep?
I had had enough of him speaking to me in a bullying tone every time he saw me as this triggers my PTSD so I sent an e-mail asking him why he does it as it was inappropriate and hurtful.
I got a letter back from my sister-in-law (not him and they live in Italy by the way) saying they were bemused as to why I would raise these issues and said that he had just be joking with me. She said that it was me who had the problem and that only she understood how hard it was for him with his tinnitus and that he had been close to suicide with it. She said the only problem he had with us is that we always talk about ourselves and he can't get a word in edgewise. She said they expect us all to sit relaxed and quiet (even if er haven't seen each other for years) and be reading a book or sewing or something and then one person would say something another would reply and then we would all go quiet. I told them this wasn't the case and that we don't talk all about ourselves (although my husband often does - he's Aspergic but they told me I shouldn't label him) and that I had tried to engage him.
Anyway, they started to avoid us as did the rest of the family. The family would visit us at Christmas, Easter and sometimes Birthdays with cards and gifts and if my sister-in-law was home from Italy she would come but he never would - because he was tired. Now I have tinnitus as lots of people do. I am sure it is terrible for him and much worse than mine but not an excuse for such behaviour surely? Someone told me that the whole family were having a get together at Easter in Wales so I asked them what they were doing and they all lied and said they were doing nothing. When I asked them later why they had lied they made excuses, 'you have a fear of dogs,' 'you have and eating disorder.'
We found out in March that he had told her to leave as he had another woman. He is 51 and she is 27 and Italian. my sister-in-law stayed until June and then came back to the UK. She has told another friend that she still loves him, thinks it is a mid-life crisis and she is sticking to her marriage vows and waiting for him to take her back. I have said nothing but sent an e-mail saying I was sorry to hear this and hoped she was OK (she had moved in with a friend in Cronwall so not near home). She then moved in with her x-husbands sister for a while until she comes home to her sisters on the 18th of December. She is still friends with him on Facebook and he comments on her posts. His sister, who she is staying with, is friends with the 27 year old on Facebook and has said on there that she has spoke to her on Skype.
A week ago I get a phone call from my brothers other sister saying that on the 21st of December we are invited to her house (the other sister will be there) for a 'birthday buffet' for my husbands birthday. Glad I got the call, my husband hit the roof! What on earth are they up to? (A close friend of ours thinks they are trying to smooth things over now that her husband has gone and don't realise that this is inappropriate without talking to each other first. Cart before the horse). So he sent her a text saying he wasn't available as they had ignored him for years and his other sister had treated us terribly. He said he wanted to meet his sisters separately (she still tried to get him to see them both together) to put his views across. This sister has only ever had the opinion of her other sister (they are twins) to go by and when my husband asked her why they had treated him so badly her answer was this....'your Cath has a problem with Clive so we couldn't see you.'
So there it is... it is my fault! My biggest trigger is false accusation and bullying and it has been going on for years. All the dissembling they do, the sweet smiles and hugs and they have all talked about this. Over the years they have swarmed around my sister-in-law and done everything for her and she has been telling them falsities and half truths. This is the lady who had a panic attack during an MRI scan and told me she had 'Post Traumatic MRI Scanner Stress Syndrome,' as she spent months afterwards with her sister recovering from her anxiety.
So now my PTSD, which doesn't seem to matter at all to them is really bad. I am shaking, feeling sick, unable to sleep, nightmares, triggers going off, dissociating and generally feeling FUBARed.
They don't seem to care about my husbands General Anxiety Disorder, OCD and Aspergers or the fact that we are having terrible problems with the lads and who are both unemployed, have GAD and one is undergoing stringent tests for Aspergers as over the next 3 months which involves us having 3 interviews.
But apparently it is my fault. My husbands Dad rang up while he was at work asking why my husband had sent 'that text' to his sister. I had to put up with trying to explain things to him for over 50 minutes while he had a go at my husband, his son. He also regularly has a go at my husband about the lads both not having jobs.
My husband is seeing one sister on Wednesday morning. When he told her some of the things his other sister and her husband had said and done she said,'Oh I don't know anything about that.' So it seems it has been one sided or else she is trying to protect her sister. Both of his sisters and his Dad just keep saying, 'can't you and Cath just put this behind you?'
No! I have been asking her for years to please meet with me on a one-to-one in a public place so we can talk but every time she has refused. We haven't dragged his other sister and her husband or Dad into this but it seems the other sister has. Even now they are still covering for her husband by saying he is just not himself and will come round and take her back. They are all evangelical Christians and my husbands sister says she is praying for her husband to return. Although he has been saying for many years that he wants to stay in Italy while she has wanted to come back to the UK. My husband has told them that he is sick of his wife being treated as the 'black sheep' of the family and I have said that it is unhealthy to brush things under the mat and pretend with smiles and hugs that it hasn't happened. I don't know if his other sister will see us, I have tried so hard to reason with her but she just quotes forgiveness which has nothing to do with anything. It isn't about forgiveness, it is about reconciliation. And then there is the 'love covers a multitude of sins' thing which isn't scriptural. A friend told me that I could use the verse that says something like, 'If one of you sins against the other you should go to that person and be reconciled.' So she will know that is the Biblical thing to do.
I am so scared and ill and frightened and I know they will be feeling similar (except no PTSD for them). They have been very protected and padded in cotton wool in their lives and have had little life experience (no work when they got married, just looking after husband and home, no kids, plenty of money, nice homes, cars, holidays) until the one's husband left her. They are twins and have always had each other but they are nothing alike apart from the lying. Dad and the twins have never even had a relationship with my sons which I don't care about as they would be influenced but my husband does.
What on earth do I do now? What if they continue to blame me for over 28 years of problems which could have been solved with a 5 minute chat? I feel like I'm sliding down a slope and I just can't stop.
How do I deal with this, so close to Christmas which is always a difficult time for me anyway?
If anyone can help then I am all ears.
