I have tried to talk about this with my therapist, but he doesn't listen to me, and doesn't want to about it with me.
This rings alarm bells to me. A therapist should not be dictating what you can and can't talk about. If things make them uncomfortable, then why are they a therapist?! I hope you have found a therapist who DOES listen to you, Gabby.
I have experienced a great deal of hypersexuality throughout my life. I was sexually molested and possibly raped when I was 3 1/2. (I say 'possibly' because I have no memory of rape occurring but I had extremely detailed knowledge of sex from as young as 4. I learnt it from somewhere and the only people I can think of that I learnt it from are from the teenage boys who gang molested me.) From as young as 4, I was extremely hypersexual - it was all I thought about. I was compulsively obsessed with sex. I kept my sexual trauma a secret from everybody, so I'm guessing my hypersexual behaviour was me trying to process it. Mind you, I kept my hypersexual behaviour hidden because I was terrified of being caught.
I played with my dolls in an extremely sexual manner, I drew sexually explicit pictures, I wrote sexually explicit stories. I was doing this from as young as 4 - and though I couldn't name it at the time, I realise now that the feeling I had whenever I engaged in this kind of thing was shame. I felt deep, bitter shame and dirtiness while doing these things, but I of course didn't have the emotional or verbal language or congition to recognise what that feeling was.
This compulsion lasted through my teenhood, and got exponentially worse once I actually became sexually active in my early 20s. I demanded it all the time, I wanted it all the time, I would be deliberately sexually provocative, I would get enraged if I didn't get sex. I could never explain why I felt this way, either. I felt so out of control. I constantly wrote extremely graphic sexual stories, I online roleplayed extremely sexual scenarios (of which would often take on very disturbing abusive themes). It was an obsession. It wasn't an obsession that I could control, either - it was a compulsive NEED. That all lasted for quite a number of years. Again, I kept it hidden - I was extremely secretive about my online activities and about the stories I wrote for fear of being caught and shamed and looked down upon badly for it.
I've experienced rape and sexual assault when I was older. I kept all of that hidden, too, but would constantly want to hide myself in sex, or try to find some kind of meaning or comfort in sex. Sex seemed to be the only thing I could associate anything with.
I started 'coming out' with my abuse and rape about five months ago; I started to talk about what I've experienced and what I've gone through. It's the first time I've ever addressed any of it. My obsessive need for sex skyrocketed at first - I was in a constant state of panic and sex was the only thing I knew how to comfort myself with or find meaning in. Then my obsession about sex suddenly plummeted to the point where just the mere thought of even kissing makes me feel nauseous and ill.
That's where I'm still at right now - I am extremely HYPOsexual. I can't stand the thought of masturbating, can't stand the thought of people touching me, especially in a sexual way, can't handle the sight of sexual imagery or concepts, actively avoid any and all things to do with sex. I feel so sick, almost traumatised whenever I'm confronted with sexual ideas or imagery. I guess addressing stuff has finally helped my brain 'switch' the compulsive obsessive need to understand sex off to let me process my traumas? I don't know.
