Hysterical, crying never stops & SI

[Dynamic]

I looked it up apparently there’s many scenarios I could be wrong in my mind while triggered and that scares me

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm finding it difficult to answer because they could be real memories but also, we do experience things wrong when we are triggered.
Do you feel able to provide a bit more information? Obviously you don have to at all.
It might just be me not understanding.

 

[Dynamic]

@Movingforward10

Okay so back up. (In the timeline)

When I was w ex husband he started crying a few times saying “but that’s not true that’s just in your head” a couple times I was at my worst. I was SURE I WAS RIGHT but then after long time of calming down related to how triggered I was I could see his perspective easier or whatever it was. And that’s the first time I researched if our memory can lie to us from being in distress
Apparently current memories or recalling memory can be affected while triggered

Online said it’s like survival mode creating the quickest scenario for safety

Key word creating

It scares the crap outta me I could be remembering details or events wrong

Does this make more sense?

Ps not necessarily about trauma but as if my sick brain is lying to me but I sense it’s true

 

[Movingforward10]

I think memory is really unreliable. There is lots of evidence about that. Which is really really difficult, i think, with traumatic memories and the whole gaslighting ourselves about it. So much confusion about what is true and what isn't.
I believe that I have merged things together and my visual memory of one person doing a particular abusive sexual act to me (I have the visual of it), was actually another person (I know for sure that person did but I think I am attaching it also to this other person).

I think when we are triggered we see and experience things from a lens that isn't the here and now. For example, my partner will say I'm angry. And I might shout back that I'm not. Because I'm not, I'm upset but I don't show upset like other people do (crying). So my interpretation and hers are different. But I'm triggered and my sense is out the window.
So not necessarily memory, but perception?

 

[Dynamic]

Crap crying in the bathroom again for a while

Uhh

I’m so tired.

My sweet boyfriend and I talk about getting married today and then later (now) he’s talking about wanting to get me pregnant. We don’t have sex rn. But I’ve spiraled into a mess on the floor I tried breaking up with him. He’s so good for me I don’t wanna be like this (pregnant baby trigger)

Ffs I’m so tired of my brain and the police

Earlier I was talking to one of my best friends and she mentioned someone getting arrested and I said I’m sorry L I gotta go -pause

I talked to the crisis line yesterday and I told her it feels like a burden to get better for the ppl around me like I’m not good enough for anyone bc I’m so messed up

L seemed annoyed. But looking back I can’t remember what she even said. I’m just alone crying again

I wanna be better. I feel like I’m doing everything I can but truly I probably need therapy again.

 

[Movingforward10]

It sounds like triggers all over the place. What has helped ground you before?

 

[Friday]

During the worst of the worst… of anything… one thing gets me through : Everything Is Temporary.

My sweet boyfriend and I talk about getting married today and then later (now) he’s talking about wanting to get me pregnant.

Long experience has taught me to call a moratorium on major decision making when I’m up against it. INCLUDING (what doesn’t seem like a major decision, in the moment, but is the definition of a major decision) walking away, calling all things off, doing what’s “best” for someone else, etc.

A modern proverb along the same lines?

Never reply when you’re angry.
Never promise when you’re happy.
Never make a decision when you’re sad.

Take all of ^^^that^^^ and shake it up with some nitroglycerin… when you add in PTSD & mixing past & present, and trying to operate out of both timelines at once. Seriously bad juju, and lifelong regrets.

Anything IMPORTANT? Will still be important tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. You’ve got time. You don’t need to decide anything, now.

 

[Maisie]

Hey @Defaultxlove

When I'm that distressed, I find it most helpful to try and make the situation 1 % less distressing.

Just start with 1 %

Maybe a bit later you can add another 1 %

Can you share an example of 1% - I’d like to try this, but I want to try and have realistic expectations