I’m Just So Sad

[Glara]

So I haven’t been here for a while. I’m back because I think this time is it and I just needed to talk.

Over the holidays I caught him in a lie, and it’s a big one. I’d rather not say what on here, but it’s not good. At first I thought I could suck it up, but after a couple of weeks, I guess I realized I couldn’t. I stopped answering his texts like before. I barely responded. About 10 days ago he told me he would love and welcome my texts but that he wouldn’t initiate anymore, he’s a burden to me. I stopped initiating texts with him 4 years ago. And I didn’t respond to his last.

I saw red flags all over the place and kept feeling it would be best to end it, but I couldn’t. Until now. And I’m struggling. He is a burden and it’s best he’s gone. But I miss him desperately and I feel so sad.

Since I’ve been on here I was diagnosed with liver scarring from diabetes, I’ve changed my diet and am on meds for diabetes and doing better but today I got a bad mammography result. I’m repeating it tomorrow. And my work has become unbearable.

I feel like I’m losing control and everything I care for is slipping away. I know there’s not much anyone can say, but I just had to get this all out.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Glara this man has been screwing with your head for years and years and years... maybe it’s for the best to end it and find a man that wants to be with you all the time and in person.

Does he appreciate all the time, effort, and work you’ve put in? No. Is it convincing him to change his ways and commit to actually being there for you like you need? No.

You deserve better. Why settle for this crap treatment?

 

[Justmehere]

You didn't lose him. He wasn't ever really there. Don't need to make a big announcement, you can tell him you are taking space to focus on your health and block his number. He's a distraction, at best, from getting the help you need for your own wellbeing and health.

I hope the mammogram results turn out to be something that isn't serious. Time to let him go and find a partner and others who can now support you. :hug:

 

[Glara]

I know, you’re both correct. I never answered his last text, it’s been almost 2 weeks. But I am sad about it. I’m concerned about my mammo, which may turn out fine. I’m also struggling at work. I have a new supervisor that is extremely difficult to deal with. She causes a lot of problems for those who aren’t her favorites.

He was a distraction from things like that. He was a distraction from when I feel lonely, which is often. I don’t really have close friends or much support. It’s true that I gave him more support than he gave me when it came to stuff like that, but he was more supportive than the people in my life.


My father is now speaking to me again after shutting me out for years, a lifetime patter for him. See, I’m used to it. My mother was more passive aggressive, but now she’s getting forgetful with age. Really can’t hold a conversation.

The positive side is my other health issues are improved because of my efforts. But with the other stuff weighing me down it doesn’t feel so good.

 

[Justmehere]

You have a lot on your plate, and loneliness can hurt a lot. I hold on to difficult relationships when I feel the most alone. Have you thought about doing counseling?

 

[Never_falter2]

Hi Glara,

Best of luck for the mammo.

He was a distraction from things like that. He was a distraction from when I feel lonely, which is often. I don’t really have close friends or much support.

Maybe it is time to try to build a support network for you and/or try to meet new friends.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Maybe he was a reason why you didn’t go out and meet people where you live. Your attention was focused on him, his needs, and his PTSD issues.

 

[nursenurse]

Hi Glara,

Welcome back! I am so sorry for what you are going through. It just sucks. But I have to agree with Sweetpea's statement above. That relationship seems to have been controlling you in a negative way. We are all to a certain extent controlled by our relationships, in that we have to consider the ones we love when we make some of our decisions, perform some of our actions. When it becomes all encompassing to the detriment of other people and experiences in our lives, it becomes toxic.

Focus on the good. A cautious relationship with Dad. Taking care of your health. You are making wonderful progress, don't let the negative of a bum relationship cloud that.

I had one of those "bad" mammo results, and have a history of breast ca in my family. Most of the time it is nothing, so keep that in mind. Lots of women (and men!) have to go for repeat mammograms with ultrasounds, and it turns out well, as it did for me. I am hoping and praying for this to be true for you.

Let us know how things go.

 

[pam4him]

So sorry for the difficult situation. It is normal to miss someone when a relationship ends, whether breakup, death, etc. We have to allow ourselves time to grieve. Toxic relationships can drain one on so many levels. Try to focus on tending to your health for now. All of this going could make work feel harder. Control is highly overrated and mostly a myth as very few of us can actually control our lives. There's just too many other variables. One thing at a time, one step, appointment, task at hand, etc. You got this! Prayers for health, peace and wisdom.