I’m out of ideas, i don’t know what to do

[LoveTea]

@mumstheword I have tried to reciprocate and I tried to tell her that just a quick chat at the beginning of the day can go a long way for me, nothing heavy and for the one week where she actually did it my symptoms were so much better. But before I had asked her a bunch of times to meet with me and she only seemed to make time for me when I was in crisis.

@Justmehere therapy has been slow and incredibly tedious. I think my T feels very stuck as to where to get me other friendship support since I have trust and abandonment issues. I’m in college, almost no one can take on handling me. I don’t do much outside of work.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you thought about possibly doing a DBT group? That was a place I first started to figure out how to reach out for help from friends and peers. It could also be a great way to learn skills to manage the dissociation and gain a lot of skills with interpersonal relationships and asking for help and support as well.

 

[joeylittle]

I’m in college, almost no one can take on handling me. I don’t do much outside of work.

Are you working at all with campus services? There are often support resources, peer-to-peer type stuff.

 

[LoveTea]

@Justmehere I don’t really know much about DBT other than seeing a few peopl on here talk about it. I just don’t know how I can afford it specially considering my work situation is so unstable right now. I can already barely afford the therapy I have.

@joeylittle I have had numerous bad experiences dealing with on campus support, my supervisor made took me to the health center a bunch of times last year, but the school is small and they are really not qualified to deal with me. Even when I kept going back, they cancelled three appointments in a row with me after making me sit there for at least half an hour (this is in the same week they tried to hospitalize me, but somehow I still wasn’t a priority). I have also heard numerous accounts from other students of some unethical things and basically they work for the school’s best interests, not the students.

 

[joeylittle]

but the school is small and they are really not qualified to deal with me.

Take a break from school, and focus on your mental health?

Do you also work for the school (as in, does your supervisor work for the school)?

 

[LoveTea]

@joeylittle I would do it if I thought it could help, but school is the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning, and I have nowhere else to go. My work is through the school and I have work study, so technically my supervisor can’t ask me to leave or fire me unless I do something to warrant it.

 

[LoveTea]

To clarify: I wouldn’t have anywhere to live or work if I left school. I would have to go live with a parent and I would not be able to seek therapy either.

 

[joeylittle]

Ok.

So, your supervisor cannot be a support system for you. Not as your work study supervisor. It sounds like they made the very human and common mistake of thinking that a little bit of help would...help. But it doesn’t; a little bit of help, with a student in need, can most often turn into a dependency issue unless the student is re-directed to appropriate support services.

You say that the school can’t handle someone like you, and that’s concerning to me. Either you are quite wrong or quite right. But if you are quite right, then it’s not a sustainable situation you are in.

What about community mental health resources? Or, are there purely student-run organizations? Do you live on campus, do you have an RA?

I’d love to challenge you to make a list of all the possibilities - even if you know in your heart that they wouldn’t work for whatever reason, or that you’d be too nervous to try them out. Just to list the possibilities, almost as if you were doing it to help someone else. An exercise.

 

[LoveTea]

I know that now. But that is a path I have gone down now for 2 years and that won’t be fixed instantaneously. I have to try to work on that, but for this moment I just have to mourn the loss of that support so I can try to move forward. I just wish I could understand why she couldn’t handle trying to just be a friend, not a support, just a friend. Someone to tell the stupid thing I did this morning or to ask what to eat for dinner. I see her do that with everyone else.

I believe I am quite right. The health center with confidential counciling threatened to call my parents if I didn’t give a good enough reason not to. When I told both them and my dean that I discovered the carpet in my room was a huge trigger for me, no one did anything to try to help. My dean pushed me to tell her way more than I was comfortable saying especially considering she is not bound by any confidentiality. None of these people believed me that I was keeping up with school and doing well academically until they finally emailed my professors who confirmed my side. My dean treats me like I am completely incompetent even when I have shown her that I am. But, I don’t have to be in contact with any of them if I don’t initiate. They had terrible responsiveness when I did seek help, snd they certainly arn’t reaching out to me.

I do live on campus and I do have an RA. Although RA’s do recieve some training, they are mostly taught to send us to school resources.

As far as I am aware there are no student run mental health resources, they all have facilitators on college staff and I am not sure that I am comfortable in a group of people who might know me or I could run into. The school is small, I am not worried about gossip, I just don’t want people to know. I don’t really know about other resources off campus. My supervisor is the one who suggested the practice where I see my T. I don’t know how to look for in other resources. From what a few people have told me, the things close to me are relatively expensive since it is a wealthier area, I already travel an hour to see my T.

I wish I could give a more comprehensive list, but I don’t really know about much in the area. I have always been taught to deal with things on my own, so I only started learning how to stop doing that. The only reason I actually managed to see a real T was because my supervisor pushed me towards it (I didn’t feel forced or anything I just didn’t know how to grapple with the idea of therapy, much less be ready to actually do the work). I guess that is what makes this set back so hard. I honestly don’t know where to find help and be somewhat secure that they won’t hurt me.

I’m scared I will lose my sole remaining supporter. She is only a few years older than me and she is not equipped to handle me alone since she used to “tag team” with my supervisor. I have to figure out how to not overwhelm her without pushing her away entirely. I don’t know how to do that.

 

[Sideways]

I’m scared I will lose my sole remaining supporter.

I haven't been sure whether to chime in, but I think moving forward, this is an important issue. Hanging on to your remaining supports.

What concerns me, and seems to put you at risk of losing this remaining supporter, is your expectations about what a "supporter" is, and what they are not.

Aside from an SO that you've lived with for several years, most supporters, for most sufferers:
a) cannot provide direct symptom management
b) do not have adequate training to have regular conversations about our trauma or symptoms; and
c) cannot provide routine "crisis" assistance.

Getting called in once a week to help you out of a dissociative episode is crisis assistance.

Example: my grandparents are one of my key supports. They know I have ptsd, and will tolerate my changing moods. They offer meaningful human connection through a weekly coffee meet-up, and don't hold it against me if I need to cancel at the last minute. In return I help them out with their garden.

They are an essential support for me. They help keep me connected and functioning by having me over for a coffee each Saturday.

And that's pretty much it.

We never discuss my trauma. They wouldn't have a clue what to do if I had a dissociative episode at their place. I can't call them for help if I'm suicidal. We chat about the weather and such. They're Supporters.

Because I'm clear in my mind about what they can and can't offer me in terms of support? The relationship is protected because I don't push it too far, and in return? I will always have someone willing to just have a cup of coffee with me. Very valuable.

Beyond our T? Who does know how to talk to us about our trauma and symptoms, who can help us manage dissociative episodes, and who we can call in emergencies like when we're suicidal... other people simply can't do that stuff. They don't have the training. It's too complex, and waaaaay too emotionally draining.

Yes, it is incredibly isolating.

But the good news is - we figure it out. Slowly, from places like this, we learn how to manage, and ultimately recover from, our illness.

What any given person can offer in terms of 'support' will vary. From person to person, and over time. But to keep a supporter, we need to make sure we aren't placing more expectations on them than is reasonable.

So in terms of hanging on to this remaining supporter: it sounds like having the human connection, occasional social conversation is important. In your mind, what additional "support" is it that you're hoping she can offer? Perhaps being clear on that may help to figure out whether your expectations are realistic, and how to make sure you keep her as a supporter for you...???

 

[LoveTea]

@Ragdoll Circus at this point, I don’t go to her about trauma stuff and she honestly understands why I don’t talk about it. That being said, sometimes I get the feeling that she feels left out that I have told someone else and not her. I don’t plan on telling her anytime soon, but she is also a really close friend and I don’t think I could back off enough to just talk about the weather. Many times I will not tell her what happened, but I call and go over to her place when I need a hug. I used to call her when I was mid-crisis, but I don’t anymore. I have never told her when I was suicidal, but sometimes I will try to explain how some things affect me when I am not feeling it. (I have trouble eating from anxiety, or why I am so jumpy, but nothing too dark)

The thing is I am incredibly sleep deprived and my emotion regulation is all over the place and she knows me well enough to know when I am having a bad day. Every once in a while I will break down around her, but this doesn’t happen as much as is used to (maybe once every other month) but she is good about being able to calm me down and moving past it.

I guess what I really don’t know what to do about is the dissociation, which affects me on a daily basis. I do dissociate around other people and my friends have always sought to help me out of them. I have trouble initially identifying it and focusing enough to be able to do anything about it. When I’m alone, I will sometimes lose hours of time. At this point, it doesn’t take too long to get me out of it and they know what to do. (hand me an orange or play I spy with me for the most part).

I think what is hardest right now is that my best friend is still friends with my supervisor and I see them chat a lot and I know of numerous occations of them going out to lunch or meeting eachothers friends and family. That is really hard to watch. I know that simetimes that is just how things work out, people like others more. I just don’t know how to back up more so that I don’t feel more left out and isolated. I really don’t know how to handle that withiut shutting down completely and just cut myself off.

 

[Justmehere]

I guess what I really don’t know what to do about is the dissociation, which affects me on a daily basis. I do dissociate around other people and my friends have always sought to help me out of them. I have trouble initially identifying it and focusing enough to be able to do anything about it. When I’m alone, I will sometimes lose hours of time. At this point, it doesn’t take too long to get me out of it and they know what to do. (hand me an orange or play I spy with me for the most part)

The first step you can take right now, without having to find other supports, is to make plans to do grounding and mindfulness throughout the day. You can use the search option here or google "grounding techniques" and find a lot of other ways to ground.

Doing things throughout the day to ground, and connect with the here and now through mindfulness, will help reduce the dissociation and will help with emotion regulation as well.

Managing stress before symptoms overflow is a critical part of the battle with PTSD. Check out the stress cup explanation here: The Ptsd Cup Explanation

I have to try to work on that, but for this moment I just have to mourn the loss of that support so I can try to move forward.

It's wise to realize there is going to be a time of mourning the loss of this supervisor as a personal support - but don't let that delay you from looking into other options. Starting to pursue other support and treatment is going to be key to keep the other supporter from getting overwhelmed and help you feel a lot better.

I wish I could give a more comprehensive list, but I don’t really know about much in the area.

You can call the United Way by dialing 211 from any US phone. They have lists of resources and they usually know of options for low cost counseling in most areas.

RAINN.org is another resource where they can also connect you to the sexual assault center in your area. They often have free support groups run by trauma trained therapists.