I’m sick and tired of being told what to do

[Cactus Bloom]

Hi. I’m brand new here. It’s extremely interesting how much my heart feels like it’s going to explode by just reading some things on here. I just need someone to hear me so bad. You don’t have to respond to anything but I just need to get it out if that’s okay. It wasn’t my fault I was born with a super sensitive temperament. I don’t know why I hated myself so much and never felt I deserved to exist. Nobody told me that. With my own research to figure out what is wrong with me, I know logically why everything is the way it is. Religion traumatized me growing up. I wanted to be perfect so my parents and god would love me. I became anorexic when I was a child because I didn’t want men to look at me as a sex object like my dad did with the women on tv. I’ve learned that the “lack of” can be just as abusive as the more talked about childhood traumas. There are many protective parts of my being that hold different traumas that I’ve been given little peaks here and there. Anything to do with the word god, spiritual, higher self, even seeing any church is something that gives me emotional flashbacks. I was raped at a local athletic club my dad owned and where I worked at and also where my excessive exercising began. So many horrible things happened there. The rape was when I was certain was when the dissociation began but didn’t know I actually had have many “personality” changes previously but it was like night and day how different I was after the rape. I was “high functioning” as to the fact I worked hard and kept a job and was very strong and independent and absolutely had no fear of anything. I’v been on disability for 7 years and it is what it is. There isn’t therapists in my area that know what to do to help me. They have actually done more harm than good so no more.

Here’s the deal. How am I expected to meditate when I’m being told to feel my fingers so I’m present in my body? They aren’t my fingers and this isn’t my body so no! Don’t tell me to feel something if I don’t exist in the first place. Those protective parts aren’t screwing around when they are feeling threatened. You know how many times one of them has tried to kill me for “being aware of my body”?
No, I’m definitely fine not believing in a god from religion. The problem is with anything to do with any kind of “spiritual” thing as simple as thinking us humans are all connected. Logically I can try to grasp that but, no. I can’t. When I’m so disconnected from myself and my family members how am I supposed to grasp the concept of all of us being connected? It’s only me and my two kitties. That’s it. No humans allowed. Eat healthy because it helps mood and depression and overall well-being. Little Ms. Eating Disorders will take care of that. Good luck with that one. My favorite is exercise. Being raped in a gym and so much trauma wrapped into that and abuse and exercise. Let’s see. Oh yeah. Writing in journals. That was something the church really stressed on doing and I’m so glad I did write in journals growing up because I know the good and the bad and why I felt the way I did. Can I force myself to write in a journal today? Nope. Maybe next month or next year or never. How do I know what or who I’ll be from one moment to the next? I don’t. That’s one thing that no doctor, psychiatrist, therapists, and no test will ever get is that no, I literally am not the same nor the same person at any given point in time. I’m sorry. I have no one and no one hears me and never has.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Glad you found your way here @Fionas74 , lots of people to hear you in this place. Sorry you don't have good trauma therapists in your area but you can really help yourself by reading and interacting on this site. Are you still looking for a new therapist?

 

[Cactus Bloom]

Hi. Thank you for responding. Right there means a lot to me. I’m glad I found this site too. No, I’m not looking for a therapist. I’ve been to 6 different therapists in my small city. That’s the problem about where I live. The only good psychiatrist moved about 2 years ago. It’s pretty much at the bottom of the barrel in mental health issues and in many cases, people with serious medical problems leave the state for better care. I really don’t see a future for me.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I really don’t see a future for me.

Boy that's the story of my life too.

I'm sure people will lots of good suggestions for for you. I'd suggest searching the site for good ptsd workbook suggestions. I just got one and if done with mindful purpose I bet you could get a lot from it. I don't know man but know you are far from alone in this thing. You have all of us now..

 

[Cactus Bloom]

Boy that's the story of my life too.

I'm sure people will lots of good suggestions for for you. I...

Thank you! I have tons of workbooks. It’s so funny because there’s this “part” that is obsessed with learning and spends hours and days just sucking up all the information I can. I have extremely obsessive behaviors and learning is one of them. There’s times where I can do something like starting in a workbook but then I’m like “There’s nothing wrong with me so I don’t need to do this”. Or I will have the workbook out sitting on the floor next to me thinking “yeah, I think I can handle it.” But then I avoid it like the plague. “What are you afraid of? This is good for you.” Oh boy. If it’s good for me then I don’t deserve it. I have rotating addictions, self harm, and obsessive avoidance techniques. Learning is one of those. If I am engrossed with a subject, nothing else exists. Really bad tunnel vision. It’s very interesting and who knows what tomorrow will bring? Maybe I won’t believe it is a snake ready to bite me:)

 

[Mee]

I hear you Fionas74.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Can you pick 1 thing to work on? Maybe leave the Family System therapy alone for now, since it seems to be working against you, and start with DBT? There are websites for that. Pick one small thing to work on. Don't think about parts, just work on the one thing. That's how you work on PTSD. Baby steps.

 

[Freida]

Hi there!

There's a really good book called "the Body Keeps the Score" that gives a great introduction to what happens to the mind/brain/body in ptsd. It also talks about working in small steps. You are right - how can you meditate if you can't feel you body?
@DharmaGirl is right when she says slow down and pick one thing. I think you may be trying to start with too much. PTSD treatment is done in little bites. Think of it as chipping at an iceberg with a plastic spoon. But each little spoonful is a move forward...

 

[Cactus Bloom]

Hi there!

There's a really good book called "the Body Keeps the Score" that gives a great introduction...

I’ve read that book! It’s really good. I’ve always had an all or nothing kind of personality so it’s hard to think myself out of that. Thank you for the advice. I will definitely try to do that:)

Can you pick 1 thing to work on? Maybe leave the Family System therapy alone for now, since it seems to be working against you, and start with DBT? There are websites for that. Pick one small thing to work on. Don't think about parts, just work on the one thing. That's how you work on PTSD. Baby steps.

Yes, baby steps. I overwhelme myself all the time by trying to go all in. I will work on that. Thank you:)

 

[EveHarrington]

Meditation doesn’t work for everyone. It’s not one of the tools in my toolbox.

How well have you gotten to know your parts? I’m in prolonged “getting to know you” mode. The most I do is ask them what they need and ask them to step down so that self can be in control. So far, so good!

 

[Friday]

I tend to turn the box around, think outside of the box, jump on box until it’s flat, etc.

If meditating, connection, exercise, & journaling are stuck points for me? I look at what those things want to accomplish, and come at them from another direction. Something that achieves the same end result, a different way.

I almost never just find “one” replacement, though. I tend to brainstorm a lot of different ways to get at that end result, both because it removes the pressure (just because it’s an Option doesn’t mean Inhave to do it, I’ve got like 40 options here, I can pick and choose whatever the hell I happen to feel like ;) ), and because it helps me get out of my own way and actually come up with options, rather than shooting everything down.

A couple examples of that

Meditating Purpose = Aware of your body? (There are a lot of different reasons people meditate, butnsince that’s your stated block)
- dance, basketball, handstands, walking, cooking, singing, swinging, posing (or something else I’m physically doing)
- massage (or something else interacting with me physically, doesn’t gave to be another person, could be a shower or using a loofa),
- art (working with the mental image / awareness)
- etc.

Journaling Purpose = Remembering where I’ve been?

f*ck writing ;) Time to break out the camera and do photojournalism, or the pens and ink and comic book it, or scissors and magazines collage it, or ornaments and token/memento it, or a scrapbook, or song lyrics/musical score, or dictation tool (phone to tape recorder) and talk about it (if I’m in a mood all 1920s dectective style, or film noir, or good night & good luck), or a play andnscript it (okay, that ones writing, but it’s an über obnoxious form of it which is guaranteed to distract me).

Change writing. Sistine Chapel Style, and tape paper to the underside of a table. Illumination/calligraphy style, with quills & ink. Underwood typewriter style. Sumi-e & paint it. Acrylic & paint it. oo7 style and write in skipcode, or false backed postcards, or microdot.

Clear as mud?

 

[Cactus Bloom]

Meditation doesn’t work for everyone. It’s not one of the tools in my toolbox.

How well have you gotten to know your parts? I’m in prolonged “getting to know you” mode. The most I do is ask them what they need and ask them to step down so that self can be in control. So far, so good!

I’m not in therapy and haven’t been for about a year and a half. I had a wonderful therapist in the state I used to live in but we never did any work pertaining to different parts. Several of the parts would show up at therapy with her and it’s because she has been the only person they felt safe with. Unfortunately I had to move to a different state so I could no longer be with her but I had been to 5 different therapists in the small city I currently live in. I didn’t feel safe at all with any of them and to tell you the truth, none of the therapists here don’t understand dissociative disorders which makes it extremely difficult. I gave up on therapy because they did more harm than good.

As with my different parts, they have gone into hiding and am not able to access them like I used to for a short while. Well, I never accessed them, they just let me be aware they exist and also so many fragmented parts showed themselves and told me their names and their functions. For about a year, they were extremely active and I was able to listen to what they were saying and also when different personality parts took over. Now they are all back in hiding but still controlling every part of my life. It’s not easy for me to put this stuff into words that make sense. That’s where I’m at right now.