Sufferer I Am A Mess

[LittleHugger]

Hello everyone.

I'll cut to the chase - I need help.

In the spring of 2005 my husband slipped into a paranoid psychosis, and after 8 months of treatment he committed suicide. The kids were 11 and 13. The trigger for him was a stalker, his stalker. A friend from way back that i didnt even know was trying to wreck our marriage and business for god only knows what reason, and tried for over 10 years.

After my husbands death, the police assisted a move for me and the kids because the stalker continued to harass us, right through his funeral and afterwards. Three months after his death, we were in a new city...like POOF! Devastated and alone.

Since then...
I have focussed on my kids and their healing, and taking care of us on my own.
I developed serious sleep problems (insomnia, restless legs, periodic limb movement
disorder, and sleep apnea) and had to take three leaves of absense from work because of this, and now am finally off work completely.
I have no support system. My best friend in my new location was murdered by her own son last March, and that sent me spiralling downward, again.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD, C-PTSD, trigeminal neuralgia, adjustment disorder, anxiety and depression.
I just can't seem to get much in the way of effective counselling since i can not afford it, and my family doctor doesn't know what to do (yup, thats what she said-gotta appreciate her honesty).
I have seen many specialists and they all just keep adding medications, and the more that I take, the worse I am.

Hoping I can connect with some people that I can relate to, and maybe learn something, so I can find a way back to life, cause this SUCKS!

 

[want2cope]

Wow, you have had a lot going on. I am sorry. I know u have to be dressed out to the max. I have not had as much going on as you, but I am way down myself. My sin tried to kill himself 2 weeks ago and like u I am having a hard time right now and I am a mess also. I am on a rollar coaster ride of high highs and lows. I will pray for you. That's all I can do is that, and listen and be a support for you. Please don't feel alone. We can get through this with support here and divine intervention.

 

[Elisacullen21]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[LittleHugger]

Living with mental illness can be a living hell, for all involved. I so remember the high anxiety when he was ill. Day to day life was all about keeping him safe, and the kids and I too. Thankfully your son did not succeed, and he has another chance. And no kidding your wired. I was the whole time too. Just hang in there. Talk to people and get all the help you can for ALL of you. I'll pray for you. Is he at home with you now? Do you have some help...family? Im here to listen...

 

[want2cope]

Thanks so much for taking the time to care about my issues when you have so much going on yourself. I can not image how you manage so well. Living with PTSD is Hell at times. My son is at home now. He was in the er for 3 days, then to a lock down facility for 3 more. Because of insurance and money issues they wanted him to come home as soon as possible. He cussed me when he got home,still doing his intimidating behaviors to me.

What makes it worse I work in a mental institution with the youth. I had to take FMLA time because I was bout to lose it. I did or almost did have a nervous breakdown, didn't care if I lost my job, which would make matters worse but to me seemed would have been a blessing at a time, and stayed sick.

I do have a few friends that are supportive but they got their own things going on or I have drove them crazy with my crazyness. I have to go back to work next week and I dread it because I know people seen me lose it at work, and it is all embarrassing now that I know I over reacted from stress, told everybody that would listen my business, and caused issues at work out of deflection. I might even be ran off as they do people there at times when I go back to work because of the way I acted.

I wish I could find another job, that would help not being able to get away from mental things, at home I deal and at work. There are no jobs here. I feel hopeless and stuck. I would give anything to be one of those people who love to go to work everyday, doing what they love to do, and make a difference in someone's life.

Thanks for your caring spirit. I only can get on here with my phone, so sorry bout spelling and other mistakes. Gonna say a prayer for you to find peace from all you have went through in your life. You are a strong person. Much stronger than me, cause honestly you make me realize other people have been through and survive much more than I know I could Not bare. Much love.


<edited for paragraph breaks by Deaf Global Nomad>

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Hello LittleHugger,

Welcome to the Forum. You will find people here to talk to, and you will see that you are not alone. There is a lot of really great information freely available. It has helped me so much, to understand, and to see what can be done.

I don't have words of wisdom or advice for you, I wish I did. But I can offer prayers and empathy.

 

[LittleHugger]

Thanks to SeekingSerenity and Elisacullen21 for the warm welcome and kindness. I think you folks are the ones I need to talk to, cause 'regular folk' just have a hard time gettin it sometimes. They cant relate, and I guess, I am happy for them that they cant understand, and hope they never have to have the crash course I, or any of us did.

want2cope:
Okay doll...first off...about me. People tell me I am strong, but really I am not! I survived. But along the way I sustained heavy damages. I put my kids first in all aspects of healing, cause plain and simple, they were children and terrified. I had to ACT strong. "Fake it till you make it" was my motto while in the crazy making days of trying to help my husband, my kids, deal with the police over the stalker, and run a business and home. I lost 25 lbs on a 125lb/ 5' 4" frame and was wired 24/7. Even after being moved, trying to restore some normalacy for the kids with school, sports, making friends, bringing them to councelling,...taking care of everything by myself wore me down big time. Having to learn to do Dad/man things and be the Mom was enough to make me want to kill myself too! I was completely wiped...mentally, emotionally, and physically!!!!

I tell you all that, because that was in the CRISIS stage for me...and that part is over now. I am in a new phase, and not the crisis phase. YOU...on the other hand...are in the crisis stage, and YOU need more help than me at this point.

Some thoughts on your situation...
-You and your son (and family) are PRIORITY...and I wouldn't worry too much about the friends or coworkers that you had a mini-breakdown in front of while trying to deal/manage/cope with your situation. Lucky for them that they are not the one LIVING the situation, and that they only had to listen/witness your plight. Apologize for the high-stress, but after that, concentrate on you and your boy!

-Since he is home now, try to get your son to understand that you are on his side, and that you want to help him and you get past this pain and hurt, and that your not going to give up, and your not going to let him give up either. "Through thick and thin" I told my kids, "I will never desert you! We WILL get better!!!" Make sure he knows this. Hopefully he may backdown with the intimidating behaviors. Will he talk to you about his pain?

-Take care of you too!!!! Eat nutritionally and make sure you sleep. You need support. Friends get burnt out, after all, we are not fun to talk to when shit has hit the proverbial wall, and all we can think/talk about is our own emergency situation. But you need support...so your gonna have to find other places to talk about it...vent...cry...and people wont get fed up. You found this forum...and me...so...USE it and me, k? No worries about burning me out. I'm here.

Your job satisfaction is gonna have to wait I think for things to settle down. I am concerned that you CAREGIVE all day at work, and then CAREGIVE extreme at home. You can NOT burnout!!! What options do you have here to bide yourself some time? Explore that. Think about a job change down the rode when the existing stress level decreases....will give you something positive to look forward to. Just keep telling yourself that when you get things levelled out that you can embark on a new, better life, for both of you...

Do something for you! Do something that makes you feel good! Try to inject some FUN in your day...even if its 15 minutes!!! I know that sounds retarded, but it helps reguvinate you, and give you more energy to fight the battle! A warm bath, a walk, exercise, a hobby...whatever floats your boat, as long as it isnt hurting you...that my rule. When I used to get really angry, I would go out back and do some heavy yard work. Man, shit sure gets done fast when your running on pissed power, lol.

I am in Ontario, Canada. Where do you live? Maybe we could go on a chat and talk if you'd like....

Oh...and one final note....LIGHT A CANDLE! Light ...a candle...any old candle. Light it wherever you are...at home while you do your thing and go about your business. Keep a candle burning as often as possible, even if its a little itty bitty tea light.! When you light the candle...LIGHT IT WITH INTENT. This is the most important thing...THE INTENT! Like...say a wish, a prayer, a release of all your problems. Light the candle with hope and strength in mind for alllllllllllllll of your loved ones. This is a collective positive energy shared among your nearest and dearest. When you light it...know other candles are burning...for you...and all of us. The LIGHT and FIRE of our collective STRENGTH is unstoppable...and we believe that together...we are never alone...and we will always move forward and be grateful for what we have and for what matters most. That is EACH OTHER and the love that we share!

My candle will burn for you now too...and for all of us...

Hang in there doll!
And a big hug!
You need it more than I do!


-

 

[want2cope]

I have more to say than I have time to text right now. First, God does answer prayer. I prayed to the higher power to somehow give me peace, understanding, encouragment, support, and strength to go back to my job this week and be able to hold my head up, face everyone there again, put all of the things I did at work behind me, and not feel crazy anymore. God sent his words through you. I firmly believe that. Everything I needed and wanted to hear, you said to me. Your words brought tears to my eyes. You allowed me to understand that I need to give myself a break, everything is ok, someone else "gets" everything I have felt and been going through. I am going to print out what u sent to me and read it over again when I need some strength. From now on, I can never light a candle and not think of you and how beautiful you understand spiritual things. You are right, I am so self consumed right now that its all I can do just to think for myself what to do from one minute to the next. But until you wrote to me I felt bad about myself for it, selfish, crazy, boring, a pain to those around me, and hopelessly depressed. You are strong. No matter what u say. You just picked me up when I had fallen into pit of darkness. You laid down your burdens for me, reached your hand down to me, whispered my name till I could turn around to see light again as I climb back up after falling downwards for so long. No greater friend than one who will lay down his life for a friend. Thank you for lay n yours down for me to pick me up. I will always be here for you also. I can't be all the support you need at the moment until I can get on my feet again myself. Just know, downward from you, in Morganton North Carolina, prayers are coming up your way with much love.

 

[LittleHugger]

Awww sweet...I didn't do much, really. Just listened, and heard...really heard and felt what you were saying and feeling. And of course, I remember the fear, pain, and agony of being smack in the middle of what felt like a cyclone taking over my entire family's life.

For the moment you are treating yourself like a friend, thank God. Dont let your mind tell you all sorts of shit like: you should be better, do better, not hurt so much, be stronger, and all that crap. That is sure poison for your mind! If a friend came to you with your life's problems you would never make them feel guilty for being a disaster, never make them feel ashamed for falling to pieces under the stress, never make them feel bad for feeling hopelessly defeated by their problems. MAKE SURE YOU TREAT YOURSELF LIKE YOU WOULD A FRIEND! You would be kind and caring to that friend, make sure you are being just as kind and caring to YOURSELF! Oh, and for those people that make you feel bad cause your suffering and having a hard time coping, stay away cause you dont need anything dragging you down...

I know this to be true, because I am so hard on myself all the time, and it only makes things worse! Everytime I catch myself being crazy-assed hard on myself, I ask myself, "Would you say this to your friend in the same situation?" My answer is always NO! And then at least Im not beating myself up anymore, and can focus on something a little more productive/positive...

I must sound like I have my shit together, trust me, I dont. I am sooo struggling to pick up the pieces here, and am a medical nightmare...but I just HATE to see/hear you be hard on yourself, and KNOW that having some understanding and support can help carry us both a long long way.

I'll be watching for you, and waiting to hear how your doin day to day...

Dont think Im some kind of saint tho, cause finding you is helping me too you know!!!! God does work in mysterious ways!!!! We both found a friend who understands!!! :)

How old is your son? And how is managing at home now?

Hang in there girl!!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My heart truly goes out to you and your family.

Many (most?) GP's don't know much at all about PTSD. It really takes seeing a specialist, a therapist and/or psychiatrist who is experienced in treating trauma.

Medication is a tricky thing. It often takes years to get on the right meds. But for some, meds don't help as much as desired and we do better with various therapeutic methods. It just takes awhile to figure out exactly what works for you.

And, welcome to the forum!

Hugs,
SOL

 

[want2cope]

My son is 17. He is at home now and it is up and down with him. He wants his driving licence so bad, but I am so afraid to let him get them. He has been using drugs as a way of dealing with his feelings. I have caught him with weed, huffing things, snorting pills, and drinking. What he did when he was trying to hurt himself was snorted 12 xanax and 12 adivan. He was not right for two days and don't really remember much either.

I am not sure how I can be helping you by complaining about all my issues. I just went back and read the first line of your post and it said, "I need help." I sure didn't mean to make this all about me, but I am so thankful I did open up to you.

How old are your children? How are they dealing with things now?

 

[LittleHugger]

My heart truly goes out to you and your family.

Many (most?) GP's don't know much at all about PTSD. It really takes seeing a specialist, a therapist and/or psychiatrist who is experienced in treating trauma.

Medication is a tricky thing. It often takes years to get on the right meds. But for some, meds don't help as much as desired and we do better with various therapeutic methods. It just takes awhile to figure out exactly what works for you.

And, welcome to the forum!

Hugs,
SOL

Thank you for your thoughts on my situation and the warm welcome! It has been 7 years since it all started, and I have went through a lot of referals, but am still not being treated...really, except for doctors literally guessing at times. I will explain this all in another post, because I could use some advise on whats going on with the 'help' I have received, and how I can get some real help.