Relationship I Am A Partner To Someone With Ptsd And Think I've Ruined Things

[Avellana]

Hi there - I've been with my boyfriend for 2 months now - he has told me he has PTSD and its origin but very little else about it except that he takes Amitryptiline and self medicates with pot.

So things have been going well and we've been having a lovely time. I saw him at the weekend and everything was cool when he left and I got the normal text that night and then Monday morning and then nothing, I knew he was receiving my messages, I sent a couple as normal and kind of pulled back after not hearing from him, then by Tuesday afternoon I was going stir crazy - a friend suggested that I send a funny "where have you been" sort of text. 45 minutes later he sent a message saying sorry but he was dealing with things, I sent him one back saying I hoped he would get them sorted, another yesterday morning and still nothing - so by this afternoon I was crying at my desk, imagining the worst and I sent him a text asking WTF was so bad he couldn't talk to me about, then he sent one back saying he'd had a PTSD relapse breakdown but thanks for understanding. This made me feel an awful callous bitch - I replied that I thought we could share and that I had been crazy worried about him and didn't know what to do. And then this evening I sent a message saying sorry for my text and the reason I went nuts is because normally when a guy goes missing in action it's a power play. I said at the end he knows where I am.

So have I wrecked everything? I suffer from my own mental health issues and basically he triggered me and I just got really upset and crying at my desk was the final straw to sending the message...

 

[Julesnaz]

From my experience you haven't wrecked everything. I've done a lot worse and my guy still talks to me. Just give him a bit of time and space and if he wants to be with you he will be back.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I advise you to read, read, and read some more. I'm not trying to be rude, but if you can't handle one day of non-communication, I think it's safe to say that a PTSD relationship isn't for you.

 

[Sandi79]

I have to agree, Solara. At times it can be just a few days..sometimes weeks or months or non-communication. There are times when the communication is there but it can be harsh or even feel cruel.

This is not easy even for the strongest person. It's not easy for the sufferer or supporter.
There will be times when you will have to sense if they need space and time alone because he/she cannot ask for it.

From my own experience; read, read and read some more, find a therapist for yourself (you will need it)

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry this happened - you sound really scared the relationship is ruined for good?

Did you ruin it with a couple of upset texts? No, I think the texts were a sign of a deeper problem. And even if it wasn't, be kind to yourself. Relationships with someone with PTSD, especially PTSD that the person is self medicating, can be very rough.

If it was a solid relationship anyhow, having a rough day and sending texts you should not have sent, is an issue you both could work through. If there was trouble in the relationship and if either of you are not actively working on your own stuff... then I don't think the texts are the problem, but rather a symptom of a deeper problem that he is a guy who isn't steady and there for you in the way you need to be, and you were very scared and worried he was abandoning you. Different couples have different levels of communication and closeness and distance that is comfortable with them. This doesn't seem like that issue. He told you he was busy, and with PTSD (especially PTSD that is not being sufficiently treated) that could lead to all kinds of breaks in communication and closeness. Sounds like that may have occurred due to his busy schedule or whatever he was working on, and instead of feeling secure, you became afraid, felt abandoned, and then became angry he would abandon you rather quickly. It doesn't sound like you have a secure attachment to him, knowing he will be ok and alright even if you don't hear from him as often. It sounds like even now, you are super terrified of losing him.

I agree with Solara. If you need someone to be consistently there for you, and sometimes people really legitimately need that, this isn't the guy for you. Not right now, not until he gets much better and doesn't need unprescribed drugs to self medicate. He is very likely to keep acting in a way that will leave you feeling really abandoned in the future, and probably repeatedly.

If this is the end of the relationship, I wouldn't blame yourself. You made a mistake in sending the texts but in healthy relationships between people who are a good fit for each other, such mistakes can be forgiven and learned from. If this is the end, as painful as it will be, it does have a bright side: you will find someone that is a lot better fit for you and your own needs in the relationship. But I know it is scary and painful right now. Try to give him some space right now and think through if this guy can really give you what you need over the long run.

Is he working through his PTSD in therapy? Meds are great, self medicating is a sign of avoidance and other problems not being addressed. If this happened and he was working with a doc on monitoring his pot (like if he lives in a place where it is legal) and a therapist to work through his relationship skills (PTSD screws up relationships), and you have support for your own issues, then I would say you have a decent chance of working this through. If not, then I think it was probably on the rocks to begin with.

 

[ill]

Even if the worst happened and he didn't call you again or want to be in a relationship, you didn't "wreck everything".

I do think it would probably help both of you though, to communicate a little more effectively. Instead of an explanation after the fact and passive-aggressive swipe at you ("thanks for understanding"), he could've given you a little bit more information to work with by texting you something as simple as him needing time, him experiencing ptsd symptoms, etc, and by holding back on the passive aggressiveness. How are you supposed to be understanding when he doesn't give you the information you need to understand?

On the other hand, you can do your part in effectively communicating by assuming his best intentions. When he's late, assume he's been delayed. If he's AWOL, assume it's because something unexpected came up. Basically, don't assume that he's f-ing with you before you have the facts, and do feel free to let him know what you need - maybe you need him to just let you know what's up, maybe you need him to check in with you once a day and/or just to acknowledge that he received your texts. Basically, in my experience, if you both ask for what you each want and need in a clear and proactive way then the relationship is likely going to have fewer bumps.

 

[Avellana]

Thank you all for your replies, very useful stuff. I think I panicked because it was so out of character and because he made certain promises to me - I have a history of incredibly abusive relationships and he *triggered* me by being totally unresponsive - just adding PTSD to his initial message would have helped me - but "stuff to deal with" can be anything from household chores to burying a dead body.

Thank you ill for acknowledging that his reply was passive aggressive - I didn't even consider this. Because of his unwillingness to discuss what might happen when he does have a breakdown I had no kind of information to go on and was effectively left to try and mind read the situation. I have read up on PTSD but it really doesn't give me enough to go on in many ways.

I have my own issues - Bipolar which although is medicated and I have had therapy and manage it quite well by bringing balance into my life I cannot deal with excessive stress which is what the relationship is causing me. To be honest he has been "flaky" at best - being late, cancelling last minute due to other illnesses, leaving me early because of various commitments as well. I cried on Valentine's day when he told me about half an hour before he was due to come over that he was not able to make it as he had food poisoning, I am not doubting the truth it just would have been nicer to know a little earlier.

I think the kindest thing would be to just finish things as it is a relationship that will bring me nothing but misery and exacerbate my own mental health issues.

 

[ill]

@Avellana, I think it is a pretty brave and remarkable thing to acknowledge your care for someone but also to acknowledge that what you need and what they are able to provide you with don't match. Good for you for knowing what you need and prioritizing that. I have similar issues regarding stress (along with everyone else on the forum, I'd guess) and it's very important to set boundaries around the stress I let into my life in order to take care of my mental health and well-being. But I do often find it tricky, so I commend you for being so clear. I would definitely still recommend the open, proactive communication, including about triggers. It's okay to need certain things in a relationship and to ask for them or to be clear about dealbreakers (a pattern of flaky behaviour, not acknowledging a text/lack of communication).

Best wishes to you.

 

[Avellana]

@ill - thank you for your kind words but it has gone to hell in a hand cart in any case, he has blocked me on Facebook (and I know it is only me he has blocked as I looked for his profile from another account).

I think it is passive aggressive - but not knowing the whole thing is what is driving me crazy - the lack of response and not having the final nail in the coffin so I can at least move on....

 

[Justmehere]

@Avellana - I think him blocking you on FB could be seen as the last nail in the coffin... maybe this is a good opportunity for you to formally end it with him. *hands Avellana a hammer* I am so sorry he has been such a jerk to you. You deserve much better.

 

[Avellana]

@Justmehere thank you for that - I think you're right - I have been a bit pathetic and asked him about the blocking and sent him some funnies. Later this evening I will officially end things with him. All the sh!t I put up from him and he has the audacity to do this over one text message.

 

[HimOrMe]

You should read my introduction post because we seem to mirror each other. I completely understand what you're going through......