I am a rotten person

[mylunareclipse]

I don't really know what it is. It just is. This feeling of heaviness. You're right. Stuffing things down just amplifies them sooner or later.
I don't know what it is that's keeping me from moving forward.
Validation?
That it hurt. I am not sure any of it was trauma. But at least that it hurt.
That I wasn't a baby. Someone to believe me?
I don't know why I just can't validate myself and fight.
I used to be able to, but not anymore. I used to fight and never give up. But now I just don't feel like myself anymore and it's been years.

 

[anthony]

Validation?

Validation of?

That it hurt.

What hurt?

That I wasn't a baby.

About what?

 

[mylunareclipse]

That due to immigration problems I couldn't see my family for six years during my teenage years, having to move around houses, being kicked out of aunts house at the time for what her husband tried doing, for when my only best friend was my small suitcase moving me around, for not being able to afford lunch at school and when I moved in with my uncle to get a mattress from the street that someone had thrown away, to sleep in, for getting the best of grades but not being allowed in the college I got excepted into because of my immigration status, for finally seeing my family after six years, only to lose them again because the person I was dating was of the wrong color. Fornhearing my parents hate on me day in and day out threatening me and to feel the world break in pieces. For focusing again on my work and and school only to have someone manipulate me, act like my friend and then spread rumours, hate on me, mess with my brain, turn others against me, just because he could see how vulnerable I was. For finally getting therapy, and realizing my childhood was kind of screwed up and for laying on the floor day in day out frozen in flashbacks, feeling the pain of such torture I don't rememeber and I can never accept. Yet sufferingn in silence. Fighting like you said. Hey because things will get better, if I fight. People have it worse. And then finally wanting to collapse from pain, for never ever having screamed, for never having complained, for holding it in, for living in a survival mode, and tired tired of everything...

 

[anthony]

Now we're getting somewhere, well done. I'm going to break all this down into a list and will respond more soon. Really well done. I knew you had it in you, just waiting to all burst out.

Feel a little better unloading that?

 

[mylunareclipse]

Yes. It was interesting. I was writing this all out and I felt so much anger, but then after it was all calm and I stopped crying. So somehow it worked.

 

[anonymous]

Perhaps I need Anthony to school my therapist in the fine art of telling people to get off their ass.

 

[anthony]

What would you say is your primary problem right now from your list? It is usually the problem that you think about the most, which will be causing the current overload.

• Immigration problems isolated you from family during teenage years
• You moved houses a lot.
• You got kicked out of your aunts for what her husband tried doing.
• Poverty.
• Getting good grades but limited from college due to immigration.
• Family rejection due to racial dating issues.
• My parents hate on me day in and day out threatening me.
• Friendship issues and rumours.
• For realizing my childhood was kind of screwed up.

 

[mylunareclipse]

It feels like mostly my friendship work issue because I feel stuck there and wish I could move on from there.

But I know that the true pain comes from the past.

And overall these feeling of having lost all these years and not sure if I can recover from this anymore. Feeling incapable of being who I used to be.

 

[anthony]

Ok, so this: "For focusing again on my work and and school only to have someone manipulate me, act like my friend and then spread rumours, hate on me, mess with my brain, turn others against me, just because he could see how vulnerable I was."

Ok, correct me where needed, trying to understand this statement.

You work and are at school? College with part-time work?

Who is this person who acted like a friend, has something to do with work / school?

How did they manipulate you?

Spreading rumours about?

Turning who against you?

How do you know he viewed you as vulnerable?

 

[joeylittle]

@wishforescape - you are doing great, keep going. I wanted to chuck in a quick comment -

Spoiler: Read at your leisure

You mentioned hitting a point where you needed/wanted a break, and 'numbing out' for the rest of the evening.

A simple switch you can make: instead of choosing numbing, choose distracting. They are not very far apart. But many times when people say 'numbing' they tend to end up sitting in the sad, mentally, and just zoning out to it.

Distracting - even in ways that seem mindless - will be infinitely better.

Example: the absolute simplest distraction I have is washing dishes. For me, for whatever reason, when washing dishes it is very easy for me to remain
aware of the task of picking a thing up, scrubbing it, rinsing it, putting it in the drainer. I'm not thinking anything else, just that. Not trying to feel any particular way, either.

When I feel like I all I want to do is sit and stare into space in order to try and not feel/not think, I do the dishes. Even if I'm taking a stack of clean ones out. After a while (10,15,20 minutes) I can usually move on to a distraction that requires a smidge more engagement - like watching a tv show, or playing with my cat, etc.

You need to find your 'washing dishes' level of distraction. It will help you out, I'm certain.

And if none of this makes sense, don't stress over it :).

 

[Marisea]

I have been there. I come and go from these feelings. It will pass. The best tip I can give you is to find a good therapist who makes you realise you are not weak. You may be broken as I am but it is fixable. I think when we get this down it a good jumping point. We can go up from there. When you fully realise it isn't you that is bad and that you deserve to fully love and be compassionate with your self there will be changes. Finding my way back has been a long and arduous road but never give up searching. It will come. You are just having a big dip. Can you find a therapist?

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you Joeylittle! I will find my wash the dishes coping . I can see what you are saying about the difference between numbing and distracting. My distracting methods used to be : doing puzzles and going for random walks. I have kind of stopped doing both. Doing puzzles for me worked like meditation might work for others. Let my conscious brain focus on a simple task, while my unconscious could calm down. I should go back to this simple activity.

I have come from a dark place two years ago and definitely am in a better place. A lot of things have changed for the better. However, something is still keeping me from actually healing. I hope you are right Marisea and this is just a sign to actually try to change something, and a therapist I could click with would be a good place to start. I am just afraid sometimes as the things that I need to learn in the therapy are also the things that keep me from actually connecting and working with a therapist.

thank you all!