Relationship I Am At My Wits End....

[DaisySH]

Hello everyone.. I am not sure if I can or if I am posting in the right place... But I need some help... I suppose that is why we all made it here... My husband and I got married last year although we have been together for about 8...He has been diagnosed with PTSD and is currently seeing a therapist but is not consistent...We have been having money issues and little things but nothing that would prepare me for the bomb he dropped on me on Christmas Eve... He loves me but is no longer in love with me.. He feels we have "run our course." Of course I was devastated and could not believe what I was hearing... A couple of months ago we started trying to have a baby so this really knocked the air out of me... I have battled with his PTSD since the start of our relationship and promised to see it through. I knew he came with baggage and because I love him so much decided I would go to hell and back with him. Somehow I convinced him to go to therapy with me and there he stated that he is "emotionally numb" and I deserve better. he said he has felt like this for years, that he doesn't believe he will change and the best thing is to let me go. I have tried to be understanding and willing to live this hell with him but I cannot if he wont let me... he also told me he would have never said anything but since I kept bringing up the fact that he was very distant and we had no connection he felt it was time to let go.... I don't know what to do or think anymore...Thanks for reading...

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and Welcome to the forum.
I hope you find the information on here helpful and the people supportive - I know I have!
Regards, Lucy x

 

[DaisySH]

Hi and Welcome to the forum.
I hope you find the information on here helpful and the people supportive -...

Thanks Lucy, I hope so too...

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: @DaisySH - I have been a supporter and a sufferer. I don't have any advice other than it might help to for you to keep going to counseling, even if he will not go. This is a huge blow, and anyone could benefit from outside help.

It also might be helpful to look into preoccupied attachment, and avoidant attachment. It could be that you both got stuck in a pattern where he began to distance himself in the relationship (especially as it became more committed with marriage), you felt abandoned a little with his numbness, and understandably pushed for connection, he shut down more, you asked about it more... I have no idea if this is what happened for you both, only that sometimes this is what happens. My therapist says this particular problem and difficulty can come up with sufferers and supporters a lot. IIf this is at all playing a role, it's not your fault or really his fault, except for his unwillingness to get help. If this is playing a role, there is indeed a path to work through this, and perhaps some educational information about how to change these patterns would help him have hope that therapy could help.

It is a long shot. At the end of the day, he has to want to change and do the hard work of therapy, in order for anything to change for him. It is a good sign he did go to therapy at all with you, and that is why I suggest this. He might be still a little open and willing to consider outside info. If he is still willing to keep going to marriage counseling, even if he says he is hopeless, keep going.

If he isn't willing to go, he isn't willing. Which is really tough.

:hug:

 

[DaisySH]

:hug: @DaisySH - I have been a supporter and a sufferer. I don't have any advice o...

Thank you.. After reading a little about this it does sound like us...at this point I am willing to try anything... Like you said of course, he needs to want to get better himself. He is going to individual therapy but is not consistent. I think he is unsure of what he wants although he states he is sure.. I hope we can still salvage this, but if not I definitely want to be able to deal with it and my personal issues. Thank you

 

[Justmehere]

I hope you both can salvage the relationship too. Hang in there and keep reaching out for safe support. :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

New marriage, trying to have a baby, money issues, and the holidays... Is it possible he is overly stressed? Not that what he said shouldn't be taken absolutely seriously... But could stress be playing a factor? Does he consistently say the relationship is over?

Welcome to the forum... We have a great supporter section. It's a sanity saver for sure!

 

[DaisySH]

New marriage, trying to have a baby, money issues, and the holidays... Is it possible he is overly st...

I definitely think he is overwhelmed... I tried to help but I think it made things worse.. Now I'm trying to work on damage control.. It's even worse cause I have my own issues to deal with.. I just hope he continues with the therapy and we can work on this together..

 

[Milo's papa]

Hello everyone.. I am not sure if I can or if I am posting in the right place... But I need some help......

Hi DaisySH,.

First I want to welcome you to this forum. I'm sure you will find some hope in what you read here.

Over the past 8 years as my wife has battled with her CPTSD I have heard this comment all too often. When we have the chance to really dig into the reason behind it, it's usually her defence mechanisms kicking in. After 22 years of abuse that was totally suppressed, she doesn't feel she's good enough to be loved by anyone.

I don't know the circumstances behind your husbands PTSD, but I do know that this is not an uncommon situation. Try letting him know in very subtle ways that you aren't going anywhere, that you are committed to him and to your relationship. Don't push, as that will only make him back away further, just gently nudge him along in the right direction. if he moves with you, keep working at it. If he refuses to follow or continues to assert the fact that he done with the relationship then you have to take care of yourself and start the process of withdrawing from it yourself.

I know that this is not what you want to hear, but we are hear to support one another and sometimes that means telling the hard truth.

 

[DaisySH]

Thank you. I have been trying that.. I do what I can. We go to therapy but I am not sure why he is doing it... The therapist asked why and he says he doesn't know. He states he is no longer in love with me but will always love me.. When asked about divorce he says he doesn't know... I guess that is what is driving me insane... We will see.. Thank you for your input I appreciate it!

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe he is going because he wants help sorting this out and he pdoesn't want to hurt you.

 

[Milo's papa]

Thank you. I have been trying that.. I do what I can. We go to therapy but I am not sure why he is doing...

DiasySH, you said "he is no longer in love with you, but still loves you", try getting him to explain when and why this happened. If he truly is no longer in love with you, something had to have changed. Find out what that is and then you two can work on that together, in therapy. I think that will at least get him thinking about what changed.