I Am "courageous"?! Not Understanding This.

[Underdog]

I've reached a point where I have started reconnecting with old and lost friends. I've only contacted a handful and spoken to them about my PTSD as the reason for why I suddenly changed and disappeared between 4 to 5 years ago. Each person has used the word "courageous" in some context when referring to me opening up and telling them why I withdrew and disappeared. Not sure I get why they see this as courageous. I see this as me trying to reconnect with those I trust and respect while trying to rekindle those lost friendships because of actions I took.

 

[RussH]

It is courageous because you are willing to share something personal and private with them as a demonstration of how you value their friendship. You are also making yourself vunerable to them to re-establish that friendship, and that is courageous.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

It is courageous because you took a risk to try to reconnect. They may not have wanted to reconnect and you risked that hurt in the attempt to gain back those lost relationships. Well done.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Not understanding it either. No offense to you. I don't see it as COURAGEOUS, I see it as HUMAN in that we all want to connect to other people. What is COURAGEOUS is fighting the PTSD demon. Who knows, maybe it IS courageous in that most people can be total shits when we disclose our PTSD. I pretty much lost everybody. Wait until they see a symptom or two before taking their words to heart. That will be the true test of friendship. I think THAT, if anything, is the courageous part.....being willing to let others actually SEE our flaws, and not simply be told about them. If I had a nickel for every person who SAID they accepted me, PTSD and all, and then turned my disorder against me.....well, you know the saying. Maybe your friends ARE great, but my advice is to not go by their words, let their actions speak volumes. That's what really counts. Talk is cheap....

 

[Underdog]

Thank you. Think I get it now, but I can't say I feel "courageous". I felt I owed them an explanation and sincere apology for what I did or may have done and for the disappearance.

Two of them I severely ticked off with fights... Sigh... Those I fought with still aren't really talking nor responding but still said "courageous." I get it and understand, but yes it hurts. I won't contact them further at this point I guess. Honestly not sure what to do as I always want to fix things, but know this isn't something that can be easily fixed. They thought either I had some sort of psychotic break or was on meth. Yeah... About that... I get it and can see that, but I am struggling with the idea of just leaving that person behind when you believe something is wrong. Questioning the value of those two relationships, honestly.

The rest have been thoroughly supportive with commentary like "I wondered when I would hear something like this from you. We are here for you."

While it has been quite the relief to finally open up and share, acknowledging that I need some help and support, it's also been a mixed bag of emotions and thoughts.

 

[RussH]

As for feeling courageous; most of the men who have won the medal of honor will tell you they didn't feel courageous, they just did what needed to be done.

 

[Underdog]

Yup, @Solara

Kinda a small part of what I experienced as well. Time is the true test of those relationships. Again, I just wanted to apologize for anything I might have said or done when I wasn't me.

@RussH , thanks for that commentary. Yes, I did what I felt needed to be done.