I Am Freaking Out From The New Flashbacks

[Hope1969]

I can't stand the new flashbacks. its driving me nuts.

i am in therapy for about a year and about a month ago sexual abuse that I didn’t remember from childhood came up (honestly I wasn’t very surprise because I always felt something bad happened that I have to hide).

the thing is that until now in the "pictures" I see in my mind and body sensations / body memory there was no abuser just a vague something.

last week I started to see in the flashbacks someone from my family that I love very much and i know for sure that he didn’t touch me. it’s just not possible because I loved him so much. it’s terrible. i don’t see the little girl anymore it’s me and him and its so painfull and crazy. I’m freaking out. it’s disgusting and impossible. I am afraid to sleep at night because those flashback start at night. On Friday night I stayed awake all night. yesterday I was tired and fall to sleep but woke up few times feeling sad or seeing those pictures again. finally got up at 4 am. And there is no place to run away. It all in my mind.


I don’t know why mind is making up such terrible scenes.


i am afraid that maybe i am losing my mind


can’t stand the pain anymore.


Am I crazy?

 

[Kailani]

I don't think you are crazy I have heard that this is how the flashbacks work and that what you are seeing is real. There is a great you tube channel that may help called trauma recovery university that has a lot of people going through what you are and resources. Self soothing might be good now; treating yourself kindly, doing things that comfort you; a movie, a cup of tea, a candle, ... Stuff like that because you are going through a lot! I have had body flashbacks that are horrendous for concussions but not CSA. Wish I could help more but can send you hugs and prayers and hope you have people there for you about this. Maybe a therapist can help. People care!

 

[Hope1969]

I don't think you are crazy I have heard that this is how the flashbacks work and that what you are see...

Thank you for your answer kailani but I don't think the flashbacks are real because I see my self with this person as I am now and not as a child. He died 5 years ago. So it can't be true.

Thanks for your kind and warm words

 

[Dissociated1]

My heart and prayers go out to you, Hope1969. I remember these dark days. If I can share only one thing, it would be hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes things get confused trying to make sense with our adult mind of the way our child's brain remembered events and details. Our minds only allow us to know what we are ready to know. When the walls first begin to come down it will be from a safe vantage point- as a nightmare or like watching a movie, as an onlooker, a different person, a different gender or even an older less vulnerable version of ourself. Our understanding of the horrible things that happened come into better and better focus as we are ready. to know the truth. Regardless of the details, the feelings and emotions are real. And the pain as sharp as when we experienced the trauma all those years ago.

 

[Hope1969]

I wish I could cry

 

[Hope1969]

I don't think you are crazy I have heard that this is how the flashbacks work and that what you are see...

Thanks for the YouTube recommendation. Just watched one of the movies about memories. They explain it simple and clear.

Thank you :)