I Am Not In Control Of My Money

[Deleted member 28942]

Hi,

I constantly struggle with money. Although, I earn well, it seems like I have no control over my spending. I've tried budgeting and have software for budgeting but I always end up spending my money carelessly. I spend as if there is no tomorrow.
Today, a few memories came back more vividly. My father and mother used to manipulate me with money very often. My father especially. He would promise me stuff then he will not do it. He would take away my money and promised to return them and didn't. He used me for money laundry when I was in 7th grade. He lied to me and told me that the money he was giving me to put on my savings account are for me to buy a computer (I really wanted one). It was a lot of money. He kept saying that he wants me to buy the best computer. All of a sudden all the money disappeared from my savings. I overhead an argument between my mom and him and I understood that he was actually laundering money from the company he was working for through my account. I was devastated when I found out this.

I think that I have adopted the believe that I have no control over money because that was true when I was a child. Also, that it is not safe to keep money because someone will take them away from me. I believe my careless spending stems from this. Also, I frequently have nightmares of family members taking away my stuff or destroying my stuff. In the nightmares, I keep trying to set boundaries but to no avail. They just ignore me or yell at me. I will talk to my therapist about this and ask her to do EMDR processing.

Anybody having similar experiences or struggles?

 

[Friday]

Living as if there's no tomorrow? Hell, yes. Money only one facet of that.

Being bad with money? Yes & No. There are certain aspects surrounding finances I'm actually pretty durn good at. And certain ones I'm absolute crap at.

What I've learned? Not everyone is good at everything.

There are certain things it seems like "everyone" is good at. So for a long time I just sort of ignored the fact that most people actually hire done what they're not good at or don't want the stress of. Whether it's an electrician or a plumber, bakery or school, mechanic or doctor. So they have a properly plumbed house, a washing machine that doesn't catch on fire, bread for sandwiches, educated kids, a car that runs, and medicine when sick. That the result in their lives? That's the important part. Not "who" made the result happen!

So I hired an accountant. Actually, I've had a series of them over the years. Doesn't matter whether I'm making minimum wage or making more money than I know what to do with... If I have income*? I have an accountant.

Why? Because I am absolute crap at certain aspects of finances.

They meet my very specific needs. Some of which are financial, some of which are trust issues. My needs & yours may be very different but I've listed out mine below just to give an idea.

((In my case: 1) All of my income goes into an account they & I both have access to. 2) Out of that account they pay all of my bills (including their own bill). 3) Then they set the remainder aside into different accounts -none of which they have access to- we have set up (various kinds of savings; most basically long term & short term -I call it the Oh Shit Fund ;) for all the stuff that crops up monthly that's not in the budget; from birthdays to broken cars- but I sometimes (often) have 6+ savings accounts, if I'm saving for certain things. Some of things may sound silly; like why don't you just include that in your blah blah blah. LOL. Because this works and that doesn't !) Less importantly than my bills & savings? My debit account / allowance. Ha! Sometimes I've had that as a set number; whether $100 a month or $1,000 a month. Other times it's a percentage. It depends on what I'm currently working towards more than how much I'm making. All my personal spending comes from there. 4) At which point the income account is at $0, & 5) they send me a spreadsheet showing what came in & where it went. So they actually have access to my money for a very short period of time, usually 2-3 days, and there is a double record of everything. If I'm going to be cheated? At most they have access to 1 months salary... And because I use licensed bonded CPAs? If they steal from me? I'm insured for all loss. Win/win. ))

* The one exception to this is that when I was married my then husband took over our joint finances.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@FridayJones thank you. Having an account sounds like a good idea. How much does an accountant cost?

 

[Friday]

How much does an accountant cost?

That varies tremendously, depending on a lot of factors; who you're using, what you're using them for, & the local area's norms are the 3 biggest ones I've found in my own moving about.

I've paid both flat fees ranging from $50 a month to several hundred a month, and a percentage of the amount of money I'm asking them to work with.

I've used both firms & individuals who work for themselves... But usually hit up stay-at-home-parents going cross-eyed with toddlers who just want numbers. Even if it's just for a few hours a month, real honest to god numbers in spreadsheets make them drool, even if it's my boring numbers? A muppet isn't singing about them, so they're happy. Lol. They do still maintain their licensure / are CPAs, but want to work from home without the stress of it being a "real" job. Just a few clients here & there, make a little bit of side money, & keep their sanity until the kids are old enough to return to part time or full time work. I've found that by hitting up this population I can get seriously good/responsible people (who would most likely be out of my price range, or never deal with something so mundane as bills, once they returned to work), who are just really motivated / happy to have me... Instead of wading through firms who want me to be doing portfolios & other things I'm not interested in.

 

[Renestel]

Oh my gosh UB, I am SO glad this thread popped up as the headline thread in forums. I have quite a bit of advice on this subject--the tough part about this site (or computer world) is that I don't know you personally, so I can't analyze you along with the information you are giving. However--here goes:

As your therapist will say, she/he will have some questions once you bring this up. BE honest. It will help. (sounds like you are open though so good job)

Spending money is a very complicated thing in society, especially today. So ironic- because the actual basics of it are very old school and mundane procedure day to day. Everyone has their own reasons to overspend. You and you alone know every detail of your issues .But I so relate on some level. I'm a little different... because you made yourself vulnerable to me, I will do the same in saying it started when my mom knew she could only connect with me in my teens through taking me to the mall and buying me things. She made a massive mistake in refusing to fight for me when I confronted her about my molesation, then called her to bail me out when a boyfriend called me (said it would just be he and me and I get there and there's 15 guys and he tries to say "make a party for all of us when I was 15?')
Then in junior/high school when I hadn't split from the popular clan I would spend so much money on clothes, when I was so obsessed with art I would spend retarded money, when I became a chef, I spent mad money on knives and chef wear, and now I'm in this crazy don't go outside, hang out with your dude and dogs all the time and now buy extensive whole foods dinner items to make bomb meals, but I have cut off malls and mall spending all together for now. (3 years) Good intentions now at least, but there is a huge theme in my and your spending. We have been taught that money=love by our parents. Attention, belonging, success. that's what we think it means -I've made progress, but it's tough and slow. I am so sorry that your own family stole from you. THAT is BIG. Tons of money was stolen from me in college and in a place I trusted. Money now is a trust issue as well along with your long list of negatives.
My other thing is to challenge you to seek if this spending part is an addiction. When I shop at a certain mall,I have to be careful. Even at the seafood section of high class grocery stores I need to knock it off. I am very impulsive. Sounds like you as well. are you analytical in other aspects of life? Maybe it's a really freeing, almost sexy change of thought? I personally like feeling in charge, like I can just say oh yeah throw that on there too- but I'm talking $30 scallops, you may be talking about $300 pants like I did and regretted.
Lastly, with the parents and money- sorry but this is where I get really psychology student here-
You said you're parents not only awarded you with money but also promised you things and then didn't fill their promises. Money gets even bigger there. Money was involved in the first place, second your dad came in and promised you these "things" and not do it. So in a way, you are still wanting "it". Whether it's your dad, or his love for you, either you will take. I am the same and trying to work on this. It's really hard. They wanted a good life for me and my sister. But you can make big mistakes making up for them paying for your love and making your life easier through money. Hope this helps. If you have any other Qs, feel free to contact me. I get you dude. They had good intentions but I am paying hardcore for it as the world has knocked me on my as# since I got out here in 2002. You can do it, think of how strong you will be without depending on a piece of paper!!

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Hi @Renestel thank you for your response. Yeah that's how money was used. Buying love between me and my brothers, controlling us, manipulating us. I struggle with impulsive spending. I am good in many other areas of my life but when it comes to money I really feel like I have no control over them. They just come and go. I'll talk to y therapists and I am hopping to process the memories with EMDR and replace the negative cognition "I am not in control of my money" with the positive cognition "I am in control of my money now".

 

[Renestel]

Best of luck to you- you got it!