I Am Not Like My Abuser!

[Leanne1]

Last week, during a session with my Therapist, she said something which really hurt me.

I was wondering if anyone else has heard there T. Try and explain anything similar?

We were talking about an experience I had the previous week. I had a disagreement, over the phone, with my husband. He said something I felt hurt by.
When I hung up I was overwhelmed with aggression against myself. It's like I wasn't me. I walked to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and without thinking gashed my arm quite deep.

Afterwards I was surprised by the strength of this reaction, how it just overpowered me. I felt scared, and unsafe, from myself, what I could do if triggered. There was no thinking, just reacting, very quickly, As if I knew if I didn't act fast I would be able to use the grounding techniques have learned.

So, my T. said that she feels that there is a part of me that has internalized my abuser. That there is a part of me that IS the abuser.

I am so deeply disturbed that she is saying that I am like him. I have never hurt anyone physically or felt like that towards anyone in my life. Her point was that I can feel that way towards myself. So, I am also a person and deserve to not be hurt.

I can't really describe what this way of looking at myself is doing to me. I don't want to talk about this with her today when I go. I feel sick to my stomache, I'm trembling and have cried so much this week.

I am not like him.

 

[digger]

I don't think she is saying that you are like him or that you would abuse someone else. I don't think that's what she means. Saying that she thinks you've internalised your abuser doesn't mean that. It is more about abuse and the messages abusers give us becoming so ingrained that we end up doing their 'job' for them.

Does that make sense?

 

[Loner]

Its not a character judgement; she is not saying you are like him as a person, just that TO YOURSELF you have taken his place. Its normal actually, in many ways I took over the roles of my abusers because their abuse is what I was comfortable and familiar with, and when things get scary, although painful, self destructive, and unhealthy, I revert back to treating myself poorly because it is comfortable and familiar.

 

[Hashi]

The key word is internalised. Something you've internalised isn't "you". It's something "not you", a false truth that you've been "taught" by someone else.

I think you really need to talk to your therapist about it, ask her what she meant, tell her you're upset. Clear this up.

 

[Leanne1]

I just never considered this before and having her say that at the end of the session had me leave not understanding what she said.

Thank you all for helping me understand.

On another note, I am actually waiting for our next meeting which is scheduled in 10 minutes. As I pulled up to the building just now, she was leaving in her car. I double checked the appointment in my calander. Maybe she went just down the block to get something? I just drove an hour to get here. I can hardly breath from the anxiety of her maybe forgetting. I'll wait for a bit longer then leave.

 

[Leanne1]

She's back now. I can get so triggered by stuff like that:);)

 

[Meadowsweet]

I hope that your session goes well, and that you will have spoken to her by the time you read this. I have internalised the abuser too, and have sometimes hurt myself with the same feelings as he/they hurt me at the time.

I would very much like to hear what you get from therapy regarding this, if you were up to sharing about it.

Thank you for sharing what you have.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that when you stop self abusing yourself, you will feel free of your abuser.

One of my abusers was my father and he actually wrote to me in a letter that he and my mom put the hooks in and it was my job to find them. I disconnected from him the rest of his life. When he died, I felt relief that he could not hurt anyone anymore.

I hope you manage to clear this up with your therapist. You are not a abuser but you abuse yourself. Break that cycle of destruction if you are able to in time. You deserve to be treated well and you do not deserve to hurt yourself. Just my opinion.

 

[fly away home]

This is really good to read people's responses. I want to add that I had a similar thing occur. I came to this disturbing conclusion myself about a month ago without any physical self harm though.

I was struck with this belief that I have become the predator. I have taken on this role and I am utterly repulsed by this thought. So sickened that I started to dry retch when this realization hit. Heaving and my throat closing up for most of the day. I could not talk at all. I was doubled over in a state of shock. It hit a raw nerve of deep self hatred.

Due to other life events I haven't had the time to bring this up with my T other than briefly and in deep shame at the end of a session. She asked me to wrap it up and place it in a box til next time. I'm too disturbed to even mention it again.

So I'm glad you brought this up @Leanne1 . And I'm glad for all these amazing responses. It's given me something to reflect on.

 

[Powder]

I have this, too. It seems to rear its head when I'm getting powerful and making progress. It's like the internalized abuser part doesn't want that and tries to sabotage me, or shame makes me self-sabotage. I feel this way all the time.

It's like "disorganized attachment" born out in my attachment to self.

 

[Leanne1]

Thank you all for your replies. I did bring it up with myT. She said she was glad I asked her about her comment.

She explained that as we grow we take different parts of different people into ourselves, good and bad.

Also she said that it was easier and less overwhelming for me to internalize the abuser instead of having him outside of myself. So in fact it is a part of me which is trying to protect me. She said that now it is time to give that part of myself a different job, like a promotion. :)

I am doing EMDR right now and working on a very difficult memory. It hasn't lessened in intensity in the last 3 sessions.

Today I could see the moment I keep getting stuck and disassociating, preventing me from really looking at the memory. So, another memory to integrate for me. Yeah.:depressed:

No one in my life knows what I go through, or that I have CPTSD. On my way home from meeting my therapist I called a long time friend. I told her a little bit. It was hard. I just wanted one person I know to know me. And maybe understand if I start to get overwhelmed.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you a million for sharing Leanne.