Military I Am Not The Man I Used To Be

[Kodah]

i don't identify with civilians as i'm a retired veteran who's not seen combat. i've been exposed to stuff which is in the grey area and other things caused my brain damage as it is that to me. i chose to retire before being placed in a medical hold.

after watching captain america civil war, i got a lot of triggers. i used to be able to swim 7 miles and do a lot of different things. now, i can no longer wear the uniform. i no longer belong to the unit. i can walk with out a cane and i still have all my toes and love the feel of them. at times, i need a cane to walk or if i walk too long, I don't feel my legs well enough to get them to move.

when i play a video game and an unexpected explosion happens, i feel very disoriented and basically out of my mind which i can't explain now as i tend to disassociate i think and i don't know. i live as far from people as i can and try to limit my exposure to one every two weeks as i just get triggered by people even being around me.

i've tried to explain to my military friends who don't have pts and i just get the dog with the head tilted look. i have two friends who have pts and they get it but i no longer live close enough to visit often and when we do, we don't talk about this stuff.

i don't even know why i'm sharing as mostly civilians read this and have no idea where a vet is coming from. there some vets who do and well, i don't even know what to say or ask to them.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Hi welcome.

I'm sorry to be the firsts to reply and your worries founded as I'm a civilian with ptsd. BUT there are a load of vets here have a look around you'll see 'em. We all have our own individual experiences with trauma but as you'll see when you look around there are a lot of repeatedly asked questions and identical threads.

I hope you find some support here. It's been invaluable to me.

Edit:
If I remember right it's @FridayJones that usually posts the cup explanation for newbies. And for very good reason. When I first read it I was like ohhh that's why....(explained EVERYTHING) about half way down the page is the military ptsd cup explanation, which I'm sure you'll find helpful.heres the link: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/.

 

[CS67ART]

I'm sort of the in same boat, six years a grunt, non-combat, got fired up on a platoon assault course by an M-60, burned into a drop zone-back screwed up for life, had two buddies get shot in training.. along with serious civilian world baggage, child abuse, killed a guy accidentally etc. I was in a cafe drinking coffee the other day, its one of my established safe zones. A week prior during a session the therapist was guiding me through a breathing exercise and I had a seriously screwed up experienced, saw myself in the prone, dropped a guy downrange, his head exploded but I realized it was me; that landed me in the secure ward for a week with suicidal ideations. At the coffee shop I was journaling about it, a kid at the table next to me dropped his cell phone on the floor, it sounded like a weapon discharge. I jumped out of my chair, screamed "f*ck" at him and went into freak out mode. After a while I calmed down a little but then overheard him joking about it to his buddies. That set me off again.. the guy who works there is a friend of mine and he stepped in and got me away from them for a minute, keep me from going to jail. It does not take much at all..There are so many of us going to therapy, I take the view I don't care what branch, when, what caused your issues, a veteran is a veteran, we're all in this together. I have a good support network of peers from the VA. I will say this, the greatest contributor to my suicidal ideations is my back injury, the pain every single day for almost 30 years. I don't have a gun anymore, used to have a .45 and put it to my head all the time. This is all serious stuff and you need a good support network of other vets. When you start going to the VA let me know if I can give you any info. Take care and keep it real brother.

 

[CS67ART]

The cup analogy is right, military training teaches us to overcome the "flight" reaction in "fight or flight", your emotions say piss your pants and run, the training says react with how we trained you. Our cups are already full, so it doesn't take much to knock it over. I know I will never be cured of PTSD, its not happening but I want to learn how to deal with it. I want to control my life, not have the PTSD control me. Right now I'm about 75% PTSD controlling me, so its just day by day, working toward lowering that percentage.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hello @Kodah, welcome to the forum.

Thank you for your Service to your country.

It seems to me you have lots of questions. You are going to find many different suggestions, experiences & opinions from a vast spectrum of society around the world on this site.

You are accepted & respected, & I hope you find all the support you need here.

Your introduction here raises questions in a number of areas.

I am not a Veteran of Military Combat/Service. But, we come together from all walks of life in this place...with PTSD & other related disorders both sufferer's & carer's.

I am glad you found us. You won't get the WTF is he/she on about here.

Already, you have met one Vet on here, thanks @CS67ART.

So, come and take a walk with us.

I have multiple trauma's & other stuff... probably trying to adjust to it all.

It's a journey I would not wish on anyone, but learning to manage life on the 'outside', being isolated... self isolating. I know this well.

So, for now welcome. See you about.
Go well

 

[Warpig0311]

i don't identify with civilians as i'm a retired veteran who's not seen combat. i've been exposed to stu...

I'm in the same boat brother. I did 12 years as a grunt 5 combat tours. I found a job where I normally work by myself and I avoid going out aso much as possible. I went to the VA on Thursday to talk with the mental health clinic and by Friday I had gone off the deep end. They want me to force myself to be in crowds and playback all the bad memories. I dunno if I can handle that.

 

[The Albatross]

Hi and welcome. You are not the first veteran to be non-combat but with PTSD reactivity. It is though a difficult to understand group though it has more to do often with personal biases than what actually is going on with you. (Barbarian comes to mind as do certain other forum members)

My own PTSD was not likely military induced... I had it before... way before, but I had MST... Military sexual traumatization on top of PTSD which in my case was in childhood. At times it is difficult to be a square peg when there are lots of round holes, but don't get discouraged here and look at the home page and a bunch of the archived articles. Glad you're here.

 

[Kodah]

I'm sort of the in same boat, six years a grunt, non-combat, got fired up on a platoon assault course b...

I threw my cup away. The VA is not an option for me as I start to look to escape the minute I walk through the doors. I can put up with it but the shakes can happen afterward. My worst reaction is getting migraines after too many triggers.

My eval was just three days. On the last day, the girl doing the echo on my heart thought I was going to arrest as I was shaking so bad through it. Needless to say, I just canceled my lunch plans and left town.

I loathe doctors and or anything associated with them. I'll not ever trust them again. They can goto hell. Best thing I did was pack up and move to the country with my husky. Now, I am just really retired, no job, no kids, nothing to bother me.

 

[CS67ART]

I'm in the same boat brother. I did 12 years as a grunt 5 combat tours. I found a job where I normal...

What I've learned, and what they've learned about me, is we can't open the box too quickly. They actually stopped my trauma processing for now because it was too much for me to handle, so we're concentrating on building skills first, then going back to the box. But generally the VA is overwhelmed, literally therapists whose case load is 30 to 40 patients, one hour sessions every two weeks, most therapist are cool people, dedicated to helping but they can't do what they need to do because of the way the system is designed. At this point right now I'm just trying to stay alive; I have physical symptoms going on, shakiness, anxiety, in a fog, my face tremors, I get this feeling like you do when you need to stretch in the morning and yawn, except I get it a lot throughout the day and without the yawn. On top of the hypervigilance, anxiety, pain from my back etc.. I wish I could say to everyone "be me for one day".

 

[Kodah]

What I've learned, and what they've learned about me, is we can't open the box too quickly. They actual...

I don't think I'd wish pts on anyone. It's a natural reaction to events. Our culture says it's abnormal. What abnormal is having a culture which enables this to be abnormal.

Things will get better. What does that mean you might ask? I try to be aware of what triggers me. Sometimes things, I can brush off and other times well, it's bad. I try and stay with my husky. I go where he can go. I try and stay in quit or outside areas where I'm not confined.

A support network is fine I guess. For me, I had a friend down the hall from where I work whom I could talk to and also see the same pain in their eyes that was driving through me like lightening.

I didn't do group therapy; shame and I like my privacy. I sought help at a vet center which has nothing to do with the VA or the military. It was my last resort. I got to understand it but I still had it.

If you like irony, I was a pysch student at one time. I know for therapy to work, it's finding the right consular for you and also finding your own path. Maybe there is a cute Jedi saying for this.

I won't walk in your boots, but I'd be happy to hold you up as much as I can.

 

[CS67ART]

We are the men we used to be, its just something is broken. We're wounded animals in a corner. People should be advised to approach with care, otherwise they may get bit.

 

[Whyteferret]

I found better luck for good treatment at a Vet Center. They only work with combat PTSD or MST. The case load is much smaller.

The VA seems to be moving the direction of 12 week long programs like Cognitive Process or Prolonged Exposure. They don't work for everyone. PE is about writing and desensitized the trauma. CPT looks at thoughts and feelings. But you have to write a trauma account the third week. I wasn't even close to be ready for that. I was throwing up repeatedly writing mine and had nightmares all night. Still couldn't write the whole trauma. I dropped out.

The Vet Center is working with more stabilization and management right now. Touching trauma only when I bring something up. We'll get into the trauma at some point.