General I Am Over It!!!

[Nicolette]

If you are in an early relationship it probably wouldnt hurt?

To be totally honest Jen, we have a large part to play and have some responsibility in the way that people treat us.

If you let someone treat you badly then they are likely to continue to do so. Right from the word go I have not allowed Anthony to use his PTSD as an excuse to treat me badly nor any other reason. If he did I would leave and remove myself from an abusive situation...that is what I own...the power to decided whether I allow it to continue to occur if it happens. My life is worth more than being treated like that. If Anthony was to tell me he would kill himself if I left that in my opinion is emotional backmail and manipulative.

There are times when Anthony has been sick and I have been more accommodating to his needs and tolerated more than usual but I still will not accept him being mean or nasty and I hold him accountable for his actions. He also has his own commitments and responsibilities which I consider him to be accountable for the same as I am with my own. However, I am happy to help Anthony if required if he is not well but I will not take on his responsibilities permanently due to his laziness.

 

[anthony]

Both your lives are uniquely up to yourselves individually, as you are first an individual then a relationship (partners) supposedly. Not really about knowing what to say Jen, more just telling it from experience. I look at my past quite honestly, knowing where I was a shit and what my faults where, and I can admit them without issue. I use them to learn from each and every day now in order to better myself. Denial is a wonderful thing, we all do it. Your partner has been doing this for longer than me now, yet still lounging around doing nothing. See my point? We make choices as individuals on whether we heal and learn to manage PTSD, whether we force ourselves out of bed and into life or not. He is responsible for his choices just as you are also for yours. He chooses to manipulate your vulnerabilities and weaknesses, you choose to allow him to exploit them by walking away and not causing conflict. You have gotten better I must add though, in that atleast now you go and have a life of your own and no longer wait for him to fix himself, because that just isn't the case at present. Again, he must want to heal and must want to learn how to get back into life, how to manage PTSD and his lifestyle.

Who wouldn't lounge around all day if allowed? I would... thats for sure, but I choose not too as I know it isn't productive for my health, mental or physical. I force myself into life each day, and once I get going I am ok providing I manage my day and not ensue myself with stressors that I know will overload me and make me ill. Choices Jen.... its all about choices, both carer and sufferer.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Anthony. We are not all the same though. How do you know he is not doing this because his PTSD is just that severe and has yet to meet a therapist who can reach him? Who would not lounge all day if allowed? Me. My hub does not pull me out of bed ever. If I am ill he lets me be for days and brings food to bed. This is not often but I have learned something here. I have bad symptoms, worse than many, yet I have seen if I can be this bad why would others not be worse? Just seems very conceivable others can be worse than me and I know how I get and I do bust it. Maybe it is not always a choice, maybe it is a matter who can reach us and show us hope we can come back out?

 

[anthony]

I don't agree because of the past history. When Jen was ill, her husband suddenly prung into action and took over the business, though as soon as she was better again, back to bed her went. History is a big factor here veiled.... and bed is not an excuse when ill with PTSD. Just because it feels right to lay in bed when ill from symptoms, doesn't mean it is right. Laying in bed for days at a time is not helpful to helping oneself learn how to manage PTSD. If symptoms are that bad that you physically cannot move, then something else is wrong. A sufferer can force themselves out of bed with symptoms and to help themselves by going for a walk in the morning. This is actively taking control of oneself, because I guarantee that after the fact off going for a good 5km+ walk, which equates to atleast an hour walking at a very easy pace, the body will feel better which also helps increase one's mental state near instantly. Exercise increases blood flow, blood flow increases mental capacity and ability, which then reduces the feeling of illness, sickness, symptoms, thus one gets going and does something during their day. Again, it comes back to choice. Bed is not the answer though, sorry.... I will never say to someone they should make a habit of staying in bed if ill with PTSD symptoms, because it just isn't an effective method to help the sufferer at all. They must get up and become active to help themselves reduce symptoms.

 

[Jen]

Thanks guys for all your input it makes a lot of sense and helpful information!
I spoke to my Mum tonight and told her I was getting someone else to help me at work as hubby was letting me down and I was getting to stressed about him not helping me?
I told her I feel guilty that I have done this?
I spoke to hubby tonight and said to him once he is feeling better and can manage to go to work one day a week we wont need the help this was greeted by a shrug of the shoulders and whatever!
Maybe me doing this may open his eyes that I need his help?

I know what you are going to say Anthony:wink: that now he will have no reason to get out of bed.
But I have kicked his arse so many times over the last couple of years to no avail!

And thats what my friends are saying how come when I was sick he picked himself up and did so well! Because he had to!!!
Sorry about all the jargon I got carried away!

 

[Kathy]

Well I must say Jen I am very pleased you decided to get some help for the business in spite of him not really wishing it. I remember you wanting to hire someone quite a while back but hesitating, so well done! You should not feel guilty in the slightest! Your needs are just as important as his, and I remember you saying you could afford the help in any event. The world did not come to an end, he seemed to agree with little protest? Well done, I believe it is an important step.

 

[Jen]

Thanks Kathy my new year resolution was to look after myself a bit more.
A lot of my sickness last year was contributed to stress build up over the years.
I dont understand why I feel guilty? Maybe its because deep down I dont want to upset him any more?
But it will make my life a bit easier and if he doesnt like the idea its up to him to fix it!

 

[anthony]

Jen, as I always say though.... you cannot help them unless they want to help themselves. He doesn't want to help himself, he wants to sit in self pity, sympathy, and cry poor him. When he wakes up one day and realizes that his life sucks and only he can change that, maybe he might do something.... unfortunately he is dragging you down. Again though, atleast you are doing your own thing now and not worrying about him so much. He is manipulating you, he is abusing you by pulling your emotional strings, but you own that one, not him, by allowing him to do it. Both people in the relationship must change if the relationship is going to actually be something of balance, equality, love and respect for one another.

 

[Jen]

Thanks Anthony he certainly does wallow in his own self pity and feels sorry for himself.
You say he will wake up one day and realizes his life sucks?
I wonder if that day will ever come?
As I said yesterday I am to much of a softie a lot of people would have left him years ago and maybe deep down he knows this?

 

[anthony]

Well, I wouldn't say leave him because that is not necessarily the answer. That is only your decision. What I know from my experience though, is that I also used all the things you mention he does against the vulnerabilities of those in my life, ie. if you leave I will kill myself, etc. Because I was ill, people did take notice even though I wasn't going to do it. I exploited them because I wanted the sympathy.

Being a softy is fine, nothing wrong with that. I say be yourself.... all I add though is that if being yourself means being a doormat, maybe that is not a good attribute to have. Change that aspect and standup to him, maybe he may standup and take responsibility of himself them also! His action when you where ill that time just screamed pity, being the moment he "had" to help, he did so and lived through it all. The moment he could be lazy again, he took it and did so once again. It is those moments you can use to help your cause to get him to see what destructive behaviour he is doing for himself.

Again though, atleast you are out having your life now and not being as held back by him and his misery. That just isn't healthy for you, and you have enough unhealthy aspects already within that relationship I believe.... mostly from his doing, some from your doing. Chipping away though is still the best thing, and there is never a time limit on change....

 

[Jen]

Thanks Anthony all your words make sense to me and I appreciate your input as you said you have been there!
I can only hope that me taking the step of getting help at work will open his eyes to the fact that I am not waiting for him any more!

 

[Jim]

How are things going the last couple of days? Hang in there Jen.

Jim.