Sufferer I am reaching out to find someone who can understand.

[Jean Valjean]

I am reaching out to find someone who can understand. I'm 50yrs old and have experienced multiple trauma in my life. I was born due to my mother being raped so grew up in 70's shunned for having no father. Many other experiences have left me finally broken. I just need to know from others im not alone, thats all i need because as i type this i'm crying.

 

[Survivor3]

Welcome to the site @Jean Valjean sorry for the reasons your here. There are lots of supportive people here.

 

[arfie]

hello jean. you have found such a place. none of our experiences are carbon copies, but there is much understanding to be found here.

welcome aboard. you are not alone.

 

[Jean Valjean]

thank you

 

[Actualise]

Hi Jean Valjean there are loads of people born with from the same circumstance so you’ve definitely got loads of company. Having challenging formative experiences can set you up in to a loop of revictimisation too. Sometimes it can feel like you’re born under a bad sign. But if you zoom out it can give you different perspectives. Be strong, sending you best wishes and a big hug

 

[Jean Valjean]

I find it hard to find the words to thank you so much for sharing that. I don't see myself as a victim, i'm a fighter, but i do feel like i wasn't meant to be born however i'm here and that can't change. But the feeling of born under a bad sign is exactly how i've felt. How do you zoom out? sorry for asking but ive never spoken to anyone like this, and i have to do the work on myself but i need some direction. I am seeking CBT but i've been waiting on a list 9mths to be seen after scoring high on the GAD test and i have to wait till April.

 

[shimmerz]

But the feeling of born under a bad sign is exactly how i've felt.

This is a cultural misnomer. Just because society states that the circumstances of your conception and birth were 'wrong' does not make it so.

If you were helping a younger person sort through all of these feelings, these thoughts of being unwanted and uncared for, how would you help? How would you help them to feel valued and cared about? That's how you zoom out.

It's a journey, but once you can establish that you are an important person, that you have value and self regard, everything looks and feels differently. These people who feel they must belittle others in order to feel powerful themselves - knowing this hurtful stuff is about them and not you is a big step. I strongly believe that the people here on earth now have a reason to be so. I wish you luck in finding your purpose and living it.

 

[Jean Valjean]

Thank you

 

[DharmaGirl]

Welcome. I was in my 50s when I was triggered into remembering key pieces of trauma, then it all came back and I wasn't able to function. I can relate to you not having a father since my father told his side of the family that I was a bastard, and they all treated me like I was a piece of crap my whole life. They were aristocratic type people who had coming out balls and such. I identified with my Irish immigrant side and pretended I didn't care. This wasn't one of my traumas but it did contribute to feeling like I didn't deserve anything.

 

[Jean Valjean]

Thank you Dharma for sharing that. Bastard is a word i learnt early too along with being called a little animal and swine and I total understand what you mean. Did you ever get treated badly by teacher or parents of other kids because you had no dad? that would happen to me since i have an olive complexion so in the 70's that also came into their minds. I confess my PTSD is fuelled by alot of anger when i'm triggered and i've never been in trouble in my life but i look back and i see how evil that is to write a child off. And we live in a time when trolling is rewarded i find it hard to leave the house because people are so heartless and selfish and I can't take that anymore even when it's nothing to do with me, i feel the need to stand up to cruelty and ignorance.

 

[Dynamic]

I absolutely believe you were meant to be born. Welcome. You are NOT alone! I hope you can take good care. And enjoy the site. We are here for eachother! No drama allowed seems like which is awesome.

 

[Actualise]

That thing that shimmerz said thinking of another young person with the challenges you have experienced to bring into perspective your worth - you can also dig out an old photo of yourself as a very young child. See what seeing them (I don’t know what your pronoun is) evokes in you. I bet you will feel a powerful sense of love, protectiveness, compassion for an innocent, vulnerable, precious treasure. Know that is you. People do exercises remothering themselves when their carers have failed them.

Further to what shimmerz said about society’s misconceptions, there is an orthodox way of seeing things in society that is deterministic, mechanistic, linear. If you subscribe to this, you could get stuck on your physical conception and believe you are doomed. Remember this view is not an “objective truth“ though. It’s just one paradigm of a number on how the world works. There’s no need to be myopically, drone like, unawarely locked into the current orthodoxy. At least recognise that it is a choice if you do choose it after checking out other options.
I think there is a reason we are here. You seem to be an empathetic and sensitive person from what you say about abhorring injustice when you see it. Maybe a great understanding and compassion is what you gain and can contribute around.

Re therapy -if you’re new to therapy know there are many different schools.
CBT is one of them and it may suit you but if it doesn’t just look for something else. Different modalities may suit you better or a different therapist may suit you better.