I Am Scared To Not Be The Problem

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Echo , I 'could' technically get pregnant (physiologically) but the kid would likely have 3 heads, lol. :rolleyes: Plus I'd have to run around with my cane to catch them. :laugh: I had other reasons not to have them too, right now I'm thankful I don't simply because I don't think I could contribute (give) to them enough.

My scenario is kind of weird, parents were good, sisters (I guess?) expected to be there (even a little bit), they weren't. But then again not right to have expected them to be. I figure it was a different age. Plus I told no one pretty much if something arose. As an adult have heard the words expressed above though. Hard at both ages. I was hugely aware of having any need would (seemingly) add to too much going on already. Plus I had my dog, that's all I needed. :) :inlove:

 

[Echo]

With you on the 3 heads thing. Better not, eh?:hug: to you and your dog.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hee, yes got (another) dog as an adult. :) No wonder I feel better with one. :) She was my Security Blanket/ Protector/ The Sweetest. :)

:hug:

Seriously though, was just thinking, because it wasn't worse from my mom or dad - not from them- (though my dad seemed to have ptsd and there were some problems/ things wrong with the parenting in a sense there), I don't feel 'entitled' to contribute to this thread. In fact, I feel badly about it. :( :notworthy: Though I relate 100%.

I guess it feels like a terrible betrayal, or ingratitude, or 'over-dramatizing', or being too 'needy', or a variety of other things. :( I know I even read somewhere lately, I think about families or 'love', that loyalty is everything.

 

[Mayday]

If I wasn't actually a problem and bad or deserving of this treatment, then it seemed to make the betrayal a thousand times worse

Yes, this is exactly the conclusion I came to...my therapist works hard to help me believe that there's nothing inherently wrong with me.

I very much consciously believe that love, marriage, children, money, security are the normal stuff of everyday life, and yet I make myself the exception to the rule. I am outside of that, because I am not entitled to them. It doesn't stop me longing for all that. I feel like my life has been about yearning for things I am not allowed, and if I temporarily achieve them, they must be taken away from me.

Yes to all of that. Am trying to deal with that now...it's very difficult

Later in life when reality starts breaking in that - hey wait a second...I'm not inherently evil and offensive? I didn't deserve it?I didn't cause it? That would shake me to the core. And it did.

Again, totally agree.

So much in this thread that I agree with. I was always told that I was the problem, that it was me being difficult, that it was me that was messed up. It's hard to fight that self belief. Doesn't help that one of my key coping strategies is avoidance!

 

[franciemarnie]

I so identify.

All of my creative work the last few years has ended up being about the disparity between realities. Mine versus my family's or what I feel versus what I know, or what I perceive to be real yet (some portion of) the world denies it. Trying to understand the disparity and close the gap.

If being crazy is being out of touch with reality, I want to know what's real and true because feeling crazy is painful and lonely and terrifying.

Now I'm sounding like I am 19 and smoking dope with friends. Hey man, what is reality man. LOL.

But you know what I'm saying.

 

[scout86]

“I hate you. Don’t take this from me.”

Just a thought. Could this be scary because, if you're not "The Problem" you have to come up with something else to be? This sounds like it's been your identity most of your life. Even if it's not a good one (and not accurate!) it's still what you know. If that strikes a chord, maybe it would help to think of this as an opportunity to pick the identity you actually want to replace the old one, instead of as a threat.

BTW, my therapist brought this up at one point too. Must be something they run into a lot. :)

 

[Justmehere]

@scout86 I think you are right! I think part of it is acknowledging that my father (and others) were the problem, one I could not solve... And maybe just as important, I don't know of any other identity than this. This is the one given to me and I have taken it in wholeheartedly. :(.

But I love what you wrote about picking my own identity. That's really encouraging and makes me feel like this could turn into something good. It's also scary too... like waking up and walking into the unknown. Thank you Scout!

 

[Barconian]

I don't think I could contribute (give) to them enough.

I thought that!

 

[TimeToHeal]

I can really identify with this as well!

For me, I have this strange fear of getting "well." I've been "sick" for as long as I can remember. I was always my family's "scapegoat," and told there was "something wrong," with me.

As someone has said before me, it sounds like you and I both have taken these (although negative), messages into our core and they have become our identities. If I'm not sick, or nothing is wrong with me, If I'm not messed up, then WHO AM I?!

Does this sound familiar? It IS scary to be faced with the realization that what we've held onto as part of our identities is inaccurate!

I guess I don't really have any advice, so to speak....but I just wanted you to know that I GET IT, and you are not alone! :)

 

[Justmehere]

I'm the scapegoat of my family, and I am the child of two parents who were both the scapegoats of their own families - both my mother and father have unmanaged PTSD from even worse childhood trauma than what I endured. They are both children of scapegoats as well. It goes back 3 generations before me, on both sides. My grandmother testified at my grandfather's trial for sexually assaulting her and took the worst abuse and acted out the most. Same with my father, mother, me...

I don't know anything else other than being the problem, the scapegoat. It feels like standing at the end of an empty abyss to let go of this identity...

It helps to know so much that I am not alone in this. It gives me more courage to face it. And it feels so HUGE to face.

 

[Echo]

A friend of mine had yet another abusive call from her mother one day, some time ago. She suddenly found herself saying, as her mum was critcising her, "By the way, mum, I've shot the scapegoat. It's over." She put the phone down and was stunned at herself. I feel as if if I were to shoot my scapegoat there would be nothing left. I guess we have to design something really fantastic to put in its place. It will need to be something really clear and that we want to get right behind, or it won't work. It's going to need to be something powerful to blot out our goat friend.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my brother... I wasn't quite ready to let go of being the scapegoat. I refuse to me around our father and my brother told me, "you just shouldn't get so upset when he rages. That's the only way to hold our family together." I was stunned, and when I finally found words to speak, I said to him, "oh well, I'm all the bad guy huh? He's never responsible for himself is he?"

I would have loved to have the strength to say, "I shot the scapegoat."

For me, I think it means having the strength to let things change, and sometimes to let them fall apart if the scapegoat's existence is what was holding it together.