I Am Scared To Not Be The Problem

[Echo]

Yes, that is exactly what I feel like I'm dealing with in cutting off from my family. I can see that my silence about my rape and my abuse has allowed them all to have great lives. I have mentally erected a massive wall of blinding white light between them and me and I am trying SO hard not to think about what's going on for them. I really feel I've held the family together. Now I am probably even more the scapegoat in their eyes, but I refuse to play that part in their psychodramas. If I were to know what how they are reacting, I'm pretty sure I'm not remotely strong enough yet to not fall back into line. They've got the choice to change and face their stuff, but the chances are they won't. They'll just eventually have to contend with a hologram and maybe hear how well I'm doing in a non-scapegoaty way. Anyway, that's the plan .... gulp! So yes I guess that is how we are going to have to be strong; the strength to free ourselves and to resist the typecasting.

My therapist says all abuse victims have to do this. Either they cut off from their families and do the work, or they do the work whilst contending with the family. But she says doing the work doesn't work well when the abuse victim is not in a place of safety, whether that's physical or emotional. A bit like a women's refuge is for domestic violence victims.

 

[Hope4Now]

But when it comes to what my role was, it terrifies me that I was not the problem. Intellectually, I understand it and somewhat accept it, but yet, on a physical level, it freaks me out in a very core, fundamental, and intense way.

Yes. If one identifies oneself as "the problem," remains in control, not helpless. (Although I was in many ways "the problem," I was also the "solution" in my family...the perfect child, the soother, the fixer, the mascot, the badge of honor, etc. you name it). I continue in these roles with my mom, and I'm just realizing how I replicate them in my current family. I carry all these identities in myself. It is terrifying (and sort of exciting too) to contemplate what I might be if I shoot them all.

yearning for things I am not allowed, and if I temporarily achieve them, they must be taken away from me... I should 'up my entitlement' - quite how escapes me so far...

First part of quote--yes! I feel this all the time. Second part of quote--I like this!

All of my creative work the last few years has ended up being about the disparity between realities. Mine versus my family's or what I feel versus what I know, or what I perceive to be real yet (some portion of) the world denies it. Trying to understand the disparity and close the gap. If being crazy is being out of touch with reality, I want to know what's real and true because feeling crazy is painful and lonely and terrifying. Now I'm sounding like I am 19 and smoking dope with friends. Hey man, what is reality man. LOL.

:) My creative work is lining up the same way...who needs dope when you have a mind like ours?

For me, I have this strange fear of getting "well." I've been "sick" for as long as I can remember.

This is REALLY interesting to me. I think I'm afraid of this too in a really odd way. I will have to reflect on this. It, too, is an identity thing.

I feel as if if I were to shoot my scapegoat there would be nothing left. I guess we have to design something really fantastic to put in its place.

:)

 

[scout86]

"By the way, mum, I've shot the scapegoat. It's over."

What a great line!

What about if you decide to stick up for and protect the goat, instead of shooting it? After all, none of this is the goat's fault. The goat is an innocent victim.

 

[franciemarnie]

In rereading this fantastic thread, it brought to mind what a T said to me in my 20's. She compared the family structure to a table with each person being a leg. If you change or move, (I refuse to be the scapegoat, I am not the scapegoat) either the table collapses or everyone else has to change or move to keep the table standing in response to you changing.

Our families will fight to keep us in our designated roles or positions. They don't want to change! And we maybe don't want to risk standing alone. Or wondering who we are or dealing with the rage of having been maligned to our core all our lives.

In an alcoholic family, there are the children's roles of scapegoat, over achiever, caretaker and the one who manifests the family illness by by being the f*ck up. I am multi-talented. I was all at one time, but the primary one that makes me angry as hell was being so absurdly made the scapegoat.

If only the people that were abusive held themselves accountable. The scapegoat thing has hit a nerve this morning.

Great thread. My iPhone is not allowing me to Like all the messages at the moment, but I like them all.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @franciemarnie touches on something very important, that it (or perhaps most issues?) are a 'family illness' or 'family dynamic', as it were. I can't explain myself well, but francimarnie will understand what I mean I think- as they say re: drinking is a 'family' illness: though one person might be excessively (or violently) drinking it all interplays. (PS, Dear Franciemarnie, thanks for the giggle, "What's reality man..?" :laugh: :roflmao: :hug: )

I really like what @scout86 said too; the 'scapegoat' may just be assigned as such due to our own internal and natural tendencies. For example, my mom said I was a 'peacemaker' when so small and too small to remember I was still crawling (up between her and my dad when they had an argument). It's ok to have (our) natural characteristics. Certain people and environments are more conduscive to trust and safety.

 

[Echo]

@scout86 - well, goats without the 'scape' bit are pretty cute in a feisty, grumpy, kick-back kind of way, so maybe get rid of the 'scape' and goat is the way to go!! Not quite what I had in mind, but I don't mind having it in my wardrobe of good identities...

 

[Justmehere]

She compared the family structure to a table with each person being a leg. If you change or move, (I refuse to be the scapegoat, I am not the scapegoat) either the table collapses or everyone else has to change or move to keep the table standing in response to you changing.

@franciemarnie That table anology makes a lot of sense. It helps to explain why they work SO HARD to keep me in the scapegoat role and go to such extremes... and why it is so hard to let go of. I was put in the scapegoat role as a way to manage life and death trauma. It brings up life and death fear to let go of it. No wonder it's so hard to change.

My therapist says it is also like the game of musical chairs, everyone has to take a seat and if you refuse to sit in the scapegoat chair, then they may try to pull you into the victim or perpetrator or caretaker or distancer/observer roles... I don't quite understand it fully yet... but it kind of makes sense to me.


I talked to my therapist about all of this today. It was the best appointment yet. I'm still processing it all, but I wanted to say thank you all for a great discussion about this tough issue.

 

[franciemarnie]

I love what your therapist said about musical chairs. Thank you for this great thread.

It brought to mind just now how the woman my brother married changed over the years. She ended up taking my deceased mother's chair and after a couple years, she too joined in in seeing me as always the problem.

These are flimsy constructs and roles because they aren't based on or in reality. It's all false, but if everyone plays along - it's real. I've avoided what's left of my family for over a year now. Sure has been nice. When sister-in-law called to get together after a year, in a literal second - I was filled with such nausea head to toe I almost gagged and collapsed! That was wild after decades of numbly going along. I am so glad my body responded that way. It shouted, NO!

 

[Hope4Now]

@franciemarnie I like your comment "it's all false but if everybody plays along, it's real" (sorry my phone won't let me quote). That about sums it all up. If we want to create a new reality, we have to stop playing along. Very scary with tables collapsing and the loneliness of being left without a chair when the music stops.

 

[franciemarnie]

Yes @Hope4Now - very scary to wobble alone without the old familiar structure - to oust oneself from the only universe I ever knew. But only then is there a chance for a different kind of world. The other one made me sick.

But oh - the transition...rough going sometimes to say the least!