I am tired and trying not to be dramatic

[mchrisoss]

I know that stress and exhaustion make everything harder for everyone, mental illness or not.

I just need a safe space to share for a minute, because everything just feels impossible right.

My partner is one of my fave people and I love him for his kindness and creativity and talent and beauty and thoughts. I feel like I've bent over backwards the last 2.5 years to make him feel safe and loved and work alongside him to create a relationship that works around PTSD, which he's really only recently started acknowledging as such.

I just feel like I'm breaking apart. I feel like even my most basic needs can't be met because they are met with paranoia or defensiveness. I understand that he was raised in conflict and trained for conflict and doesn't feel safe anywhere. I just feel like everything, every single thing, is so hard and arduous. He says he hears me when I tell him what I need (basic things like texts and not to turn issues around on me) but I'm not sure he really does or can. Even if I needed a break, we live together and financially that wouldn't work.

I'm trying to take it a day at a time and I'm trying to take care of myself with yoga and working out and going out of the house, but I'm at a point where there's a part of my brain that's asking "Does he actually love me as a person? Do my feelings matter? Does he actually love me or am I just a security blanket? If he loves me, why, because we fight at least once a week?"

I just feel very lost and scared and tired. I know we're all tired. Thanks for reading.

 

[LuckiLee]

I have no advice. Sorry. But I know how you feel. I'm having a difficult time myself right now. The difference is I know my guy loves me. He shows me and tells me all the time. When he's symptomatic? I sometimes have those same thoughts. Is your guy in therapy ?PTSD relationships are hard. Untreated PTSD is impossible (for me) to deal with. If my guy wasn't in therapy and not addressing our problems or my feelings I wouldn't still be with him. Relationships take two people working together. One person can't make a relationship work. Does he talk with you about these things? Sorry you're hurting right now.

 

[mchrisoss]

He tells me loves me and does show me in the ways he can. Like you said, when there's a trigger, it's like a demon shows up and I'm just not sure of anything. We're working on getting him to feel safe enough to do therapy with a provider alone, but we are in couples counseling. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[EveHarrington]

Unfortunately I don’t think much is going to change until he gets into individual treatment with both a therapist and a psychiatrist.......and even then, things will indeed get worse for awhile before they get better. :hug:

 

[LuckiLee]

Maybe @Freida could chime in here. I believe her and her hubby did couples therapy prior to her diagnosis. She could probably give you some ideas you guys can work on with your T. Or some phrases you could use to "coax" him in the direction of a good trauma therapist for himself. (Thanks Freida :D) xo

 

[mchrisoss]

Maybe @Freida could chime in here. I believe her and her hubby did couples therapy prior to her diagnosis. She could probably give you some ideas you guys can work on with your T. Or some phrases you could use to "coax" him in the direction of a good trauma therapist for himself. (Thanks Freida :D) xo

Thanks all

 

[LuckiLee]

@EveHarrington is right. From what I've witnessed and learned here, trauma therapy is a b*tch!! Nothing about this is easy. J and I are on this journey together. We talk all the time about how PTSD impacts our lives. In a strange way we're closer for it. My advice to you would be to 1.educate yourself on the disorder. 2. Since you're a therapy kinda person, get a therapist for yourself. (this place and my bff are my therapy) 3. Read the supporters threads here. (Especially @Sweetpea76's most of what I know I learned from her XO) 4. Learn about boundaries!! A great topic to bring up with your couples therapist. 5. Start a diary here. It's a great way to vent all of your frustration. And 6. Take special care of yourself right now (it sounds like you are) caregiver fatigue is real. That should keep you busy for a while. :D

 

[Sweetpea76]

This time of year seems to be pretty rough... the holidays are hard, and we’re still rolling out of that period. Don’t forget to give yourself as much patience and compassion as you give him. Like @LuckiLee said above, the burnout is real... especially after a few years, and especially after a rough spell.

 

[Freida]

Maybe @Freida could chime in here. I believe her and her hubby did couples therapy prior to her diagnosis. She could probably give you some ideas you guys can work on with your T. Or some phrases you could use to "coax" him in the direction of a good trauma therapist for himself. (Thanks Freida :D) xo

Yep! We did couples therapy twice in the years before my diagnosis. The best part was hearing the therapist tell us that it was normal for couples to pretty much hate each other about every 5 -7 years. Most people don't know that anymore because they split up as soon as it gets rough.

The best thing we learned was how to fight more effectively. Hubby is passive aggressive and I'm just flat out bitchy when I'm pissed. T was able to give us ground rules about how we behaved in those moments when were were overwhelmed and how to communicate without escalating the situation. And yep -- when things really went to hell and I finally got diagnosed those two things were hugely helpful. Trauma therapy sucks and it's pretty common to take it out on those closest to you. If we hadn't had that foundation I'm pretty sure I would have been long gone after the first year or so.

@EveHarrington is right. From what I've witnessed and learned here, trauma therapy is a b*tch!! Nothing about this is easy. J and I are on this journey together. We talk all the time about how PTSD impacts our lives. In a strange way we're closer for it. My advice to you would be to 1.educate yourself on the disorder. 2. Since you're a therapy kinda person, get a therapist for yourself. (this place and my bff are my therapy) 3. Read the supporters threads here. (Especially @Sweetpea76's most of what I know I learned from her XO) 4. Learn about boundaries!! A great topic to bring up with your couples therapist. 5. Start a diary here. It's a great way to vent all of your frustration. And 6. Take special care of yourself right now (it sounds like you are) caregiver fatigue is real. That should keep you busy for a while. :D

this. All of this! When I'm deep in the trauma work I simply have nothing to give to hubby or to our relationship. He says it's like living with a zombie and I just have to ride it out and see if he will still be there when I get "back". I need to know he is taking care of himself because I refuse to feel guilty when I'm symptomatic. But - with that being said I also recognize that I have a responsibility to be in counseling and doing the work to get better. And I don't want to be discouraging but 2.5 years? May be only a drop in the bucket. I'm working on year 5.... and while I'm doing way, way better than I was during year 1 I still know life with me can be pretty painful.

 

[mchrisoss]

@EveHarrington is right. From what I've witnessed and learned here, trauma therapy is a b*tch!! Nothing about this is easy. J and I are on this journey together. We talk all the time about how PTSD impacts our lives. In a strange way we're closer for it. My advice to you would be to 1.educate yourself on the disorder. 2. Since you're a therapy kinda person, get a therapist for yourself. (this place and my bff are my therapy) 3. Read the supporters threads here. (Especially @Sweetpea76's most of what I know I learned from her XO) 4. Learn about boundaries!! A great topic to bring up with your couples therapist. 5. Start a diary here. It's a great way to vent all of your frustration. And 6. Take special care of yourself right now (it sounds like you are) caregiver fatigue is real. That should keep you busy for a while. :D

Thank you thank you

 

[mchrisoss]

Yep! We did couples therapy twice in the years before my diagnosis. The best part was hearing the therapist tell us that it was normal for couples to pretty much hate each other about every 5 -7 years. Most people don't know that anymore because they split up as soon as it gets rough.

The best thing we learned was how to fight more effectively. Hubby is passive aggressive and I'm just flat out bitchy when I'm pissed. T was able to give us ground rules about how we behaved in those moments when were were overwhelmed and how to communicate without escalating the situation. And yep -- when things really went to hell and I finally got diagnosed those two things were hugely helpful. Trauma therapy sucks and it's pretty common to take it out on those closest to you. If we hadn't had that foundation I'm pretty sure I would have been long gone after the first year or so.


this. All of this! When I'm deep in the trauma work I simply have nothing to give to hubby or to our relationship. He says it's like living with a zombie and I just have to ride it out and see if he will still be there when I get "back". I need to know he is taking care of himself because I refuse to feel guilty when I'm symptomatic. But - with that being said I also recognize that I have a responsibility to be in counseling and doing the work to get better. And I don't want to be discouraging but 2.5 years? May be only a drop in the bucket. I'm working on year 5.... and while I'm doing way, way better than I was during year 1 I still know life with me can be pretty painful.

It's encouraging to know that there is the possibility of recovery, even if it's hard, and that I'm not on the journey alone. I'm definitely not afraid of hard, I'm just afraid of nothing, if that makes sense. Thank you.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, recovery and healing are definitely possible, but what this looks like is different for everyone. :hug: