I Am Trying So Hard

[Grainne]

I'm trying to stop these thoughts in my brain...i'm trying to tell myself that I don't want to die. I know I don't want to die...I can't die...who would fight for my son? I am here for him and him alone. I don't know what else to hang on to tonight.

I'm so sad. :(

 

[popeye]

just remember we are here for you.

 

[catjudo]

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this tonight. I very much understand your position. Unfortunately, when we can't think of anything else to hang on to, knowing that our child would be lost without us has to be enough reason to hang on. I am in that same position. It is easy to let my mind drift to thoughts of suicide, especially at night when everything is quiet, my daughter is asleep for the night and I'm left with nothing but my thoughts. But ultimately I know that my daughter would be devastated and there would be no one left who would care for her and fight for her safety the same way that I do. I don't know you but I'm sure the same (or similar) is true of your son. I know that he would be devastated to lose his mother. Hang in there, sweetie. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Grainne]

Thanks guys. I needed that. xo

 

[anni]

It's nothing but hard when those thoughts hit, Grainne. It's unimaginably hard to get past those thoughts, I know. I mean, I really do. My thought that is sadder, then, is always what the kids would do. I never get any further than that. It doesn't make the sad go away, but it keeps me here.

I don't know where your healing is, but mine 'hit' a kind of new point lately. I'm not sure if it's new or just different because I haven't explored it properly but thought I'd throw it out there because it's made some difference when things are awful. At the moment, the people that did whatever-they-did, all of them-every single stinking little worthless *sswipe, isn't going to win. I'm not going away. Maybe that's anger, or just dignity, or pride, I can't tell at the moment but it's been some sort of bottom line lately that's been helpful.

As ever, I think you're a peach. Well, I know you are. Please do take care.

Anni

 

[Farine]

Grainne, I am hoping that today has a little more light in it. I know we don't know each other yet, so I'm going to keep this message short. I'd like to get to know you, little by little, as we both are able. I care.

 

[Grainne]

Hey guys - not really all that much better today but...going to have a nap soon so I can stop thinking. Will catch you up tomorrow.

Anni xoxoxox (always)

Farine, thanks. That was kind of you. I look forward to getting to know you too.

 

[Pixie]

*safe hugs* Grainne

Hope you get some good rest tonight and that the thoughts ease up a bit. Keep going through hun, it won't last forever okay?

Rell

 

[anni]

Still here. Rest and hope- it's what we do.

A thought I've had both in the past and recently. Colton, when he's older, will be able to say 'Gosh, wait until you meet my mother, she's such a peach!'. You know he will, too. Maybe he does now, although you know boys-not at all good with that whole touchy-feely stuff. You'll be that jewel he can't wait to introduce to 'the one' someday.

 

[eyebiter]

How I wish I could reach through the screen give you a hug, stroke your hair and tell you things will get better. Spring has hit here so we can finally get out and enjoy the simple things like going for a walk. Hang in there, what worked for me was to go into my daughters room and watch her sleeping, so beautiful.