I Am Uncertain I Can Sustain A Romantic Relationship

[rightkindofme]

I don't say this in a "victim blaming" way. I am not responsible for people choosing to rape me. But there are sets of my actions that put me into higher risk situations and I was not capable of evaluating that risk very well until I went out and read a bunch of stuff about changing body language.

 

[nursenurse]

Age old stuff that is common to every man and woman on earth. I certainly have had my share if clods as pretty much every guy out here has as well. Why can't we just connect with the good ones out there?

FM makes the best point. We want and crave that instant connection, that heady feel of "we have something here." Those are the relationships that move too fast, and then a couple if months later, you here"We are so connected, we are so in love, BUT..." And then the laundry list of issues comes out. We have never taken things slowly enough to let things naturally develop.

I heard a psychologist say, I wish I could remember her name, that there should be no sex until after you have been dating for a year. While you may not quite want to adhere to this, the point being made is to not jump in the sack too early as this confers a different meaning to the relationship. Really get to know someone and have sex because you fell in love with everything about them, not fall in love because you have sex. Those who pressure you are not the ones you need to be with. I also like what FM says about the change in the friends she has. You are known by the company you keep.

I am contemplating returning to the born again virgin status, lol. It took me five years post divorce to find Mr. Wrong. Next one if there is one is going to have to find me. Good luck on your journey.

 

[StarChild]

It's like clockwork, the guys always want more right then, and never seems to understand my need for time and space.

@maryiscontrary, I'm not sure if I really get what you want to express... Could you, just for my better understanding explain, WHAT it is, that men want more of you? Do you mean, they instantly want sex, or do you say, they instantly want a relationship with you. I would really appreciate it, if (only) you would explain this to me, as I'm a bit confused with regard to some of your previous postings....

 

[maryiscontrary]

Thanks for all of your responses, much appreciated!

Well, I am not looking for a soul mate, I am just looking, as in talking with, to myriad of different guys. I am not jumping in the sack. I am just shocked at unhealthy these men are.

I do not think I could wait a year! Yuk!

 

[maryiscontrary]

SL, these guys want a long term relationship, almost instantly. Have to put rapid boundaries in place instantly. Thank for asking!

 

[bell]

How you approach a relationship is, of course, your call. However, why so many guys at once? Especially if they all seem to be unhealthy? Why not take some time out, and do something like volunteering or something-else civic minded that puts in you in situations where you could meet a (healthy) guy? A "real" (and healthy) guy would not be putting such pressure on you, especially relatively early. That should be Flag #1 that something is wrong!

In my opinion, if every guy you meet is "unhealthy" then there is something wrong with either where or how you're meeting them. Sometimes, when we've been through abuse, our "people picker" can be a little skewed. It seems like you might want to take a serious look at who and how you're picking and seeing if that warrants some change.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Bell, thank you for your response! I realize I am a bit of an odd duck. I follow cloud and Townsends method for meeting people. I talk to men everywhere...online, coffeehouses, in the park, through friends, concerts, pubs, parties, going to church with friends. I learned to overcome fear like this when I was in sales.

I have zero fear to talking to anybody, so I just go up and talk to them. I figure it is like anything else, and odds and statistics thing. And yes, I put up boundaries really quick. Made some really, really good friends, but just astounded at the strange dysfunctional goods out there.

But I am putting boundaries up. I just need to keep to my principals, and really keep the boundaries. God, you guys keep me sane some times.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Any attention whatsoever given to (most) guys and they take it as a sign that you are hitting on them and you're interested in them. Yes, it SUCKS!

I'm the kind of girl who loves to have guys for friends so if can make for some sticky situations when friendliness is mistaken for something more. It means my boundaries have to be extra strong.

I don't know why so many guys want to move at the speed of light. Not just in terms of sex but also in terms of commitment. No thanks, I'd rather stay single if that's my only other option.