I Bit A Man's Head Off Earlier...

[Flyaway]

Please help me understand what healthy anger is!?

So I went to a Service Station earlier to return some oil I bought for my car (realised after that I had enough at home). The guy told me I couldn't have a refund because I didn't have a receipt (they didn't given me one).

I have worked at the same sort of service station in the past and know this is not the case- if they want to be really picky, they can backtrack sales and verify using the camera.

I wasn't going to waste the money it cost buying it, so I insisted he call his manager. He said he would after he served the customers in the shop... I didn't want to hold them up so I stepped back. He kept serving very slowly, so the next customer would walk in and he would serve them. After a period of waiting, I insisted (more firmly) that he call his manager so I could leave. He stood there and started throwing arguments at me as to why it was pointless that he call, and he couldn't give me a refund.

I lost it! I felt SO ANGRY in that moment. I yelled at him to get on the phone and call his boss. He kept arguing, and I kept yelling- I don't want to hear it!!! Get on the phone and call your boss!

Eventually he called his boss, and without his boss needing a full explanation - told him to give me a refund. The refund took all of 30 seconds. The time would have been shorter if he wasn't STILL trying to throw arguments at me. I left the store telling him off... Something along the lines of "if you would have done that to start with, you wouldn't have held me up and everyone else"

I think it was fear/anxiety that fuelled my anger... I knew that if I was a man, and that if I didn't look like such a vulnerable(?) person, he wouldn't have treated me like this.

This sort of RAGE is new to me... And I'm not sure whats appropriate, and what's not. I spent a good deal of my life blaming myself for the abuse and feeling so angry at myself which led to cutting, and also running from people who bullied or scared, or hurt me. I don't want to run anymore - I want to FIGHT!!! But I don't know the best way to do this... Help!

I want to stay a kind person, I just don't want to be taken advantage of or hurt anymore!!!

 

[franciemarnie]

Because I wasn't you or this guy, it's easier for me to see at a distance that you both were bringing a lifetime of experience to the moment of this encounter.

I could easily have reacted like you did. I know that I have a lot of backed up anger that can be triggered in certain situations. I have reacted similarly in similar situations.

He was being a jerk and that was obvious in the way he made you wait and then slowly dealt with other customers. He was - it seems to me - trying to aggravate you. He was in a bad place or something because right thinking people don't treat other people like that. He is in a service position and profession, and it is his job to take care of you courteously and quickly, if possible. So he obviously had a problem he was taking out on you. What skin was it off his nose to give you a refund? He wasn't the owner, and if he was, it wouldn't have broken him to refund the money. It would be in his best interest or he loses the customer. When I was in retail, I never hesitated to give a refund ASAP. This guy was being irrational.

So I'd say he had a problem and you were right on to pick up that you were bring treated unjustly.

Because I have the same background as you, I have to be aware that I can overreact. I'm not saying you did at all. But I have been triggered into such rage that I'd end the scenario barely capable of making sense. One time when dealing with a cab driver who was clearly over the edge, I almost put myself in physical danger - even though I was "right".

So I guess I'm saying you were beautifully aware that you were being treated unjustly, but it's also good to be aware that you have old rage that understandably gets activated and if you can stand at a distance in the situation - it will help.

You did nothing wrong. He did. You stood up for yourself and insisted the just thing be done, which is fantastic. I know it is upsetting but the world is full of messed up people with chips on their shoulder who feel powerless and will try taking it out on anyone they can intentionally or not.

I just want you safe and feeling good.

Demanding justice with our backgrounds is huge and phenomenal to do - esp. safely. I think you did great. I might have come back when the owner was there if I had the presence of mind to see the employee had a problem and it wasn't me. But it's been rare I could do that.

 

[arfie]

Once I gave myself permission to feel anger, it turned into gushing rage. That was over 40 years ago and I am still sorting through it. Not an easy sort and I still haven't found a pat methodology for the sorting. I take it case by case. In a case like this, I usually feel justified, though I might go back and offer amends for the excess. Maybe. In the absence of clarity, I follow my gut.

Calming hugs, Flyaway. It is a toughie. To each their own.

 

[kahlan]

I can definitely understand! I myself am either passive or other end superb*tch. Finding the middle ground of positive assertiveness is frustrating! You handled his rude behavior as I probably would have but fact is you handled it. You stood up for yourself! Good for you :)

 

[DMerish]

I lost it! I felt SO ANGRY in that moment. I yelled at him to get on the phone and call his boss. He kept arguing, and I kept yelling- I don't want to hear it!!! Get on the phone and call your boss!

Flyaway -

Insisting one is treated reasonably with respect to our wishes is appropriate when those wishes do not unduely impose negative consequences.

Anger is an emotion just like all emotions - it/they can be felt in a pure fashion or mixed up with faulty thinking. In the case of what happened, I don't think there was any mix up. You asked for a refund, you didn't get it (at first), the other person acted in a passive agressive (disrespectful) manner, and you pushed the issue to get the result you deserved. You approached the employee in a reasonable manner in the beginning of your exchange and he/she didn't respond to reason.

I assume you didn't berate the worker, call him names, spew obscenities or negative reference to his race/culture, etc. If this is true, then I see no wrong in how you acted.

Acting kind towards others is a concept - it's a mental ideal IMHO based on how one would like to perceive themself and how they'd like to be perceived by other people. Again IMHO, acting kind when the situation calls for something else can mess up being in touch with one's real emotions and thus cause one to act against one's best interests. I'm not sure if this makes sense to you or not.

Bottom line, I'm happy and proud that you stood your ground! :)

Drew

 

[Flyaway]

Thanks SO much everyone!!! It was VERY comforting to hear what you had to say... I've been feeling lost and confused about it because I think core me would LOVE peace and happiness for everyone. At the same time I am just SO SICK AND TIRED of being stepped all over because I am generally kind.

@DMerish you were right on the mark about him being passive aggressive - I didn't realise it till you said so!

You have all just given me so much confidence for next time... It's not worth me worrying about for a moment longer. Over the last day I've been thinking about it, and I'm happy that I'm not the person I use to be. In the past I would have blamed myself for how he treated me, gone home a mess (without a refund), felt worthless and suicidal, and self harmed.

HUGE DIFFERENCE!!!

I'm not going to respond to situations perfectly all the time, but at least I'm moving forward.

 

[Britt.f7]

Flyaway, after I went through intense inpatient treatment for PTSD/Sexual abuse, I came out a different person. I don't know if it was anger so much as not wanting to be taken for granted or advantage of. My manager asked me what happened to the nice Britt. Thing is the nice Britt was the pushover one who did everything she was told and took crap. The new me did not. I stood up for myself. Other's didn't exactly like that, but it was in my best interest. I'm still pretty good at it, though I don't usually raise my voice. I think, while going through your healing, you will find yourself being more assertive in the things you do and less submissive in the things you allow. Good for you for standing your ground. No one should go home from an episode like that feeling guilt, pain, shame, and hurting themselves. You deserve better.

 

[Flyaway]

Thanks for the encouragement @Britt.f7 :happy: You're right I don't deserve it! I hope I can find healthy middle ground soon, so I don't feel like I have to yell to stand my ground.

 

[WillyKat]

@britt & Flyaway: I have some issues w/ anger too. I was so determined to stop being a pushover and non-assertive that it got out of control. Imagine picking up a chain saw for the first time, without any instruction, and making a big boo boo.

It takes some getting used to.