Sufferer I can’t stop thinking about all the ways I could die (suicidal ideation)

[ImjustasnailSNAIL]

Sometimes I’m so afraid of dying in a violent way, I think about killing myself so I can at least be the one who decides when and how I go out. Part of it is just the way the world is rn, part of it is my anxiety. I lived through the fires in Northern California last October and I haven’t talked about it in therapy even once. It just never seemed like a big enough deal compared to other traumas in my past. I didn’t lose anyone, but all of my friends and some of my family lived near the epicenter and I spent a whole week worried sick about them all, barely sleeping, helping people evacuate. Now autumn, which used to be my favorite season, just fills me with existential dread. The smell of woodsmoke makes me want to puke. Sometimes I feel like a rat on a sinking ship. That’s also on fire. What do y’all do when the world starts to make you panic?

 

[Invisible Fire]

I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, I understand what you are saying. You said you haven’t talked about the fires in therapy . So I’m guessing you are in therapy now? That is one way I deal with my anxiety and panic is I talk with my therapist. I also have a tool box of sorts to utilize. As I said on your status welcome. There is a lot of good information here. I learned a lot from past posts and also in the articles.

 

[ladee]

Welcome to the forum! One thing a lot of us here do, is what you did. Reach out, let people know what is going on with us, and ask questions. It's a beginning.

I lived thru Hurricane Rita, and was stuck with my family, isolated, no one knew where we were, had no idea how my friends were, or even where they were, and had no way to contact them.

It was double trauma for me, as I lost everything, plus being with the family, I was as close to suicide as I had ever been. So that part I do understand. The absolute powerlessness of being that scared, that vulnerable, and picking up the pieces of my life, again.

You shared that you had not talked about this with your T. Maybe now is the time to take a baby step into that arena. At the time, it may not have compared to the other traumas of your life, but it was traumatic. And maybe now is the time to give yourself permission to acknowledge that fear and powerlessness, and have help getting thru it.

I'm glad you are here, if not glad for what brought you here. But this has been a huge first step to saying, this is affecting every area of my life, and I need help.

Hope others come on and share, because it's very important to know we are not alone. Tho I moved to another city, far away from the coast, I begged for help and could not find any. So I picked up the pieces of my life, and just did the best I could.

You are not alone with this. We do understand the kind of fear you shared about. Different situations, but still, we know fear. Glad you are here.

 

[Mumo]

Hi @ImjustasnailSNAIL :)
I get it. I'm in the bay area and know the worry. My cousin fought in those fires last year. And I had family and friends there. Last month was hard with all the smoke. Lots of people think earthquakes are our big natural disaster "thingy" we deal with. Visitors or people that have just moved to CA always talk about earthquakes, I have to explain to them, no, no, no it's the fires. And when late summer early autumn comes, they're like, yeah, ok, I get it now. You smell smoke, you better know where it's coming from, CALfire becomes your best friend. Give me an earthquake anytime. Last time I looked on CALfire there were 19 fires burning in our state. That was less than a month ago. Thank God the rains finally came. Yes, you need to talk to your therapist about it. They will understand the need to talk about it. It's not a "lesser than trauma" please, it's something that you should talk about. It's real, I get it.

 

[littleoc]

I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much. :hug: Welcome to these forums.

It’s great that you’ve reached out for help. A lot of people here can understand you and help you.

:hug: :hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

What do y’all do when the world starts to make you panic?

I think the best way to deal with the world when this happens is work hard to find a perspective on that what violence or disaster that you have been confronted with.

Remember the world is a fantastic place to be too and what you are seeing via media etc., is a highly condensed version of a small part of the world that news organisations want you to click on and read. It's not all that is happening. Turn off your media if it is getting so bad. Take a break.. I do and oh it's so good. The sky does not fall in just bc I don't know about it either... I have found.

As for the fires whilst you may not ever forget what happened you can learn to live with it. You may get reminded often but that can be worked on too. This is why being in T can be so helpful.

Committing suicide so that you don't have to deal with anxiety isn't a good idea. You do see this don't you? If not.. go to a hospital ER or ring your T.

Make sure you are safe and start letting your T know how you are feeling.

 

[Friday]

What do y’all do when the world starts to make you panic?

Starts to? Usually freak the hell out and f*ck up a lot. But I don’t tend to transition well.

Once it’s been around for a little while, it’s the old improvise, adapt, overcome. This is what we’re dealing with, so how can we work around it, or get to where we want to be?

 

[Sanctuary]

I can only bring empathy to the original question :
Suicidal ideation ..
It's o.k to think these thoughts, JUST DON'T ACT UPON THEM!

I was in the loft and came across a large piece of rope.
I thought I needed that for some reason? Oh, yea I thought before I wanted to hang myself.
I actually started laughing. The curious way the mind tries to deal with such horrors.
You either laugh or cry.

But if you ever feel that way please call the Samaritans.
You're trying to stop the pain you feel inside.
Sometimes it just hurts too much then its ok and time reach for help.