I can't be totally honest with authority figures.

[HumanNetiPot]

I have PTSD relating to an unstable environment as a child and a few traumatic instances in particular. Part of my PTSD manifests as paranoia and a general distrust for, well, everyone but those I view as authority figures. I have a deep assumption that, at best, they don't actually care and at worst they are actively malicious. As such, there are certain areas I am unwilling to go with a therapist. In particular, I struggle to be honest about suicidal ideation and intent in my past. I don't want them knowing that because I feel like admitting such to them makes me into a threat. Like I don't have agency. It could impact my ability to own a gun (which I don't even own, it's just the idea of not being allowed that bothers me), I couldn't get certain jobs (again, I'm not in a field where that would ever come up, its just the idea), and in general it seems like the system treats you as less than an a rational adult with this on your record.

Obviously, my base assumption that therapists either don't care or are actively malicious is wrong. Many, probably the majority, are just doing their best to help people. I also understand that therapy really only works if you give it a full, earnest and honest effort. Suicide is part of how I got to the point of therapy being required. However, even though I like my therapist, I don't trust her enough to let me be open about this without putting it in my record. That is a dealbreaker for me for the reasons mentioned previously.

I also struggle to go the medicinal route. I was on an SSRI for two years as a young teenager, and I feel it really made things worse. Between that and my paranoia relating to authority figures, I'm scared to even consider any medicines that alter my brain chemistry in a long term way. Antidepressants, antipsychotics, etc. I am open to the idea that there may be a medication that helps with my persistent depression and anxiety. I just don't feel comfortable with that and would only consider it as a last resort. ie if I'm going to hurt myself, which I am not at this point.

 

[Susan Jane]

I also have trouble with authority figures. I was abandoned to foster care moved 7 times over a 8 year period. Both of my parents were in denial. It makes it hard to trust anyone. Fast forward 45 years and I still have issues. I screen therapists maybe because I have had so many . It is a process. I am now going off medication because I have been taking it for 25 years..different ones, different doctors different diagnoses. I am starting to trust my instincts which is something I lost due to my lack of guidance as a child. Being your own decision maker is hard if you don’t trust yourself

 

[HomelessJoe]

I can fully understand not trusting authority figures. They are at the root and leaves of my PTSD. I can say one out of a hundred is possibly, maybe, can be a trustworthy person. The rest are laughing and joking about the things that keep us up at night. If its a crime you can't be upfront about it to a therapist because they are obligated to report it But when it's a crime committed by the people you would report a crime to.
I get it man. Some battles can't be won. Something can't be said. I wish I could promise that it will heal in time. But I can tell you it will make you stronger than everyone around you. They truths you bare that are too hard to type. The things that are too heavy to explain to the people around you. Carrying that and still being you makes you stronger. The fact you came here says you want to be stronger to carry it past your next chapter. That takes strength stay strong.

 

[Friday]

Why would you WANT to be totally honest with authorities?

 

[S800]

The endless dance of "I need to function as a Normal Adult in Normal Society" and "I've been hardwired by battles most people can't even conceptualize and it makes life feel like a weirdly surreal war movie all the time" is a fun one for people in our position. It's a bit eerie reading your post because it sounds EXACTLY like what I'd have written, even one year ago. The self-doubt wrapped in distrust of others, that burning NEED to find some way to feel something like "normal", the shame and anger of watching myself lash out on autopilot at well-meaning people trying to help me, when I asked them to....yea it adds up the weight on the ol' shoulders pretty damned quickly.

Moreover, I don't always WANT to have to be "strong". Sometimes I want someone or something else to take the damned reins so I can stop posting up on this psychological watchtower without any breaks.

It sucks feeling like a monster or alien in our own skin, especially if we think we're just not "getting over it" fast enough or well enough. It is unfortunately a journey of steps, and those include working up enough trust to speak with clinicians. If it's any consolation, I still feel similarly about therapists in general as you do, so much so that the state had to assign a case worker and pdoc to me because I simply couldn't make myself do it. Why would I? Every "therapist" I've known may have been well-meaning (or not), but they couldn't ever get me to talk. ...which made me not trust them... can see where that loop is going. >.<

It doesn't help knowing that authority figures are as human as anyone else, including some that position themselves there specifically to lay harms on others. Might not be a majority, but that doesn't matter much to brains who's "danger line" got constantly updated as ours does. "This authority figure violated my trust, repeatedly. I therefore conclude authority figures are inherently untrustworthy and any "care" they offer is a setup for a backstab." ...which then flavors our interactions with ANYONE even vaguely resembling authority, whether we consciously believe it or not.

I'm not sure if you deleted your account or not, but I hope you opt to hang around. It was like opening a door I didn't know existed, running into other people who "spoke my language" about how I lived, felt, thought. I hope it can be that for you too. :D

 

[arfie]

i'm compulsively, OCD level honest. not to many people have the time or patience to hear my full honesty. i am asked to lie far more often than i am asked for complete honesty, far less full disclosure.

i don't believe total honesty is desired by too many people in our world.