I can't, because.........

[Deleted member 20280]

Well, where do I begin. My life for the first 42 years was literally governed by that one simple phrase "I can't" .

Hmm, maybe because of age limitations of fear of the unknown I couldn't, but now ??

Yes I can!.

I can learn as much about this mental 'Injury' beaten into me as a young boy,
I can stand up if life knocks me down, dust myself off and carry on.
I can be in control of my emotions.
I can face my future with my head held high.
I did survive all the abuses and trauma's I suffered. Ergo if I did then why? can't I survive now. Simple answer " I CAN'

It has taken me a huge amount of soul searching, lots of tears and sleepless nights to finally realise that, even though some of my trauma's are just too horrific to post on here for fear of upsetting or triggering another user. I can, have and continue to wake up every day, I continue to recover albeit slowly at times. I am a survivor and I damn well can be in control of my own future.

Hmm. well there you go, excellent thread, very thought invoking. Thank-you very much Honorable Staff type member :)

Kind regards

Laurie

 

[Friday]

I have this in spades. Literally just wrote out why I can't live in the durn house I own.

(Granted, that it gets broken into 2-3 times a week, and has been so for the last couple years... And my ex keeps shutting off the utilities, so out of an average year I only have power & water for roughly 2.2 months a year)...

Flips it around to the other side. I am beginning to realize that when I say I can't... It usually means it's effing long overdue that I change something in a major way.

Why the hell have I been trying to live in a house for 3 years that is constantly being broken into & has no power/water???

I get stubborn. I tough things out... When I shouldn't. I can literally start ticking things off on my fingers the number of terrible decisions I've made purely for the "I can handle it, I'm tough"... Or more telling... I've had worse. Oy vey. I've had worse. So this (huge!) thing seems so very minor in comparison. If I'm saying "I can't because"... I'm (usually) justifying. Justifying a normal reaction that needs no kind of justification. But I don't see that. I see it as a failure on my part. Needing approval from an outside source. It's exactly like when I had to learn to say "No." (Having Russian friends about 13 years ago spurred this on. No. With no animus, no explanation, nothing to argue over, not being seen as combative. It was a mind blowing concept. Wow. No. I can just, say it.).

I taught my son when he was a toddler that if he asks a question, "No" is always a valid response. Think it started with "Can I play with you?" / "No." It's nothing to feel bad about. It was an amazing thing to watch in preschool after he grokked that when he'd ask if he could play, another kid would say no, and he'd smile say "Okay!" And scamper off to go do something else. Totally untouched by it. "No." Doesn't have soul crushing power over him. It's just half of 2 options. Yes/No. He's prepared for both before he asks.

I'm trying to relearn this. No. It's a thing :D And an okay thing. With no animus attached.

Because, for me, when I'm saying "I can't, because," it's just a different side of not being able to say 'No'.

 

[scout86]

@FridayJones , I believe you just drew me a picture of my insight for today. That would be the problem with believing that "I can" and "I should" are the same thing. They really aren't, are they. Wow.....

 

[Justmehere]

I have a strange relationship with "I can't..."

I was just telling my therapist "I don't think I can..." And she was trying her hardest to show me I could. Then she realized I was in a state of needing to push back, so she said "well, let's try this another way... I'm going to say, you can't do this..."

Immediately, I said "wait..." And I wanted to argue with her that maybe I could. We both started giggling.

In the end, I was saying I can't because I wanted to choose, not just be told,my rebellious side was coming out, and probably a handful of other reasons I don't quite understand yet.

Sometimes I say I can't when I really can - because I'm simply very overwhelmed. But I have found that when I say "I can try" I feel less overwhelmed even when nothing else changes.

Good topic! It's making me think.

 

[The Albatross]

I love this topic and discussion. One of my saving graces and I have no idea where it came from is not having a personal relationship with "I can't". I have a built in inner cynic that pops back, "Really? Where or what is the evidence?" Usually quickly followed by, "Stick to the facts ma'am, nothing but the facts."

"I can't" definitely needs further investigation on my part. Sometimes it's I won't, or don't want to. Sometimes there could be a risk of an unwanted consequence if I "can" and do. The moments of self reflection built in to my morning before I head out the door into the world, pausing mid day to do a self check, and a review in the evening before I close my eyes to sleep help me keep this manageable.

I learned it in 12 step and it has saved my butt . What can I do better or differently? How can I accomplish X-Y-Z? If I am blocked I chase the rabbit to the warren and down the hole to try to assess the emotional stuff without picking up a big stick to beat myself with.

Mindfulness even in day to day activities and my emotional landscape helps me stay out of the "I can't" mentality. If I decide I really won't or don't want to I can proceed to a value assessment or strategies and goal setting.

I try to keep in mind that there is value, in all experiences... success or failure and treat them as learning experiences. Some learning experiences are more comfortable than others and that is okay.

 

[TonyG]

I can't believe you posted that lol