Childhood I Can't Feel My "inner Child" Anymore.

[Leighlee87]

@lostforgottensoul, I have not been officially diagnosed, although I know my therapist has asked questions trying to figure it all out. I keep quiet out of fear, cause I don't want there to be something there. At this point, I don't know if it is an "inner child" or something more. She's always been there, and she's always hidden my entire life until more recently. She has never revealed any memories to me, so I don't know if she stores any or not. I know she has never "fronted" before. The others who blocked my view of her while she played are completely new, I've never seen that before. I always assumed it was just some deep subconscious representation of things going on internally. I'm starting to learn that she may be an inner child, a partially or fully separate part. I'm not sure where she falls on the spectrum.

She doesn't have a name. She looks like me when I was really little, but her hair is curly instead of straight. My therapist always asks me how old I feel whenever I start to withdraw. The answer is consistently, 4 or 13. The 4 year old matches the little girl in my head. I have no idea where the age 13 comes from. I always refuse to answer her question though. I need to get brave enough to go there and start having those discussions.

 

[BoN-bOn]

Well, I am used to numbing myself, even on accident. Like when my mom died I went in and out...

I understand this completely @lostforgottensoul ! I've done the same thing my entire life & I'm having a very hard time connecting with my feelings & emotions in therapy. I can talk about horrible things & not feel anything! I also worry that I will never feel again or that it will be so overwhelming that I will just break. You explained it perfectly.

 

[BoN-bOn]

I also worry that the emotions will come flooding back like they have before in the past. I am a single mom, I HAVE to work & take care of my child. I don't have time to go days being barely able to function or an emotional wreck.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I was thinking the same - that the work you've done (also with your dog) calmed your inner child e...

I know, I had the same weird experience ..... I was wondering where my inner child was, I miss her........ Sometimes she breaks through, just sheer joy doing little things....... but mostly those days are gone......... I miss those days with my inner child.....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I didn't update this thread. When I had accidently found child porn, I found my "inner child"; or what I am beginning to realize are my "inner children".

Not feeling "her" (or them...whatever) as much as I did. Can't "tap into" like I used to, but "she"s peaking out a bit.

I always see "her" as hiding. Mainly in a closet. Makes sense to me as that's where I always hid back then. They'd always find me but I still hid in the same spot. I remember covering myself with a sheet hoping they wouldn't see me. I was 12 or older, I was old enough to know that wouldn't work, but still did it.

Its weird speaking of this alter-like thing like this as it sounds like an alter but I don't have DID. Is it possible to have alters that don't take over control of your body?

Anyway, "she" is patially back.

I miss her

For me it's not really a case of missing her. If shes gone thats ok with me. My concern is the inabilty to feel emotions that she kept and that I would talk about on here or in therapy by tapping into her. That is how I wrote most if not all of the letters and poems. It was her speaking through me sort of.

Anyway, I can sort of, kind of, a little bit feel her now so she isn't gone but rather hiding I think.

 

[heylena]

Unrelated, but how does one find their 'inner child'?

I am adopted and have no memories of my parents or "childhood", or relation with or to my parents. But, I have read a few adoption in regard to the Primal Wound and healing trauma that is caused by abandonment / adoption. A lot of them 'work' through the 'inner child'; in that, the mother that abandoned you is connected through the inner child, but what the hell ? Is an inner child an actual person, or like an aura? Whenever I think about my birth parents, I blank, but when I think about my "childhood memories", if I think about it too long, I am extremely angry because I have no memories, so there are a lot of unanswered questions.

So, what is this so-called 'inner child'? Mine might be dead. #yolo

 

[heylena]

I didn't update this thread. When I had accidently found child porn, I found my "inner child"; or what I am beginning to realize are my "inner children
.

I wasn't prepared for that. You found your "inner child" from watching child porn?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Is an inner child an actual person

No, it is like an alter in someone with DID. I don't have DID but it is the best way to describe it. It is this seperated being in my head that holds many of my emotions from when I was young. I am fully aware that "she" isn't real and is in my head.

You found your "inner child" from watching child porn?

Viewed Child Porn On Accident, Reported, Now I Am A Mess

 

[Ronin]

No, it is like an alter in someone with DID.

Alters ARE people.

Saying anything else and anything but, is dehumanizing & offensive to those that have D.I.D.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Saying anything else and anything but, is dehumanizing & offensive to those that have D.I.D.

Sorry, I didnt mean to be offensive. I was only trying to explain this whatever in my head in ways that make some sort of sense. There are no words to explain it so I was using the best examples I can. If I offended you and who ever while doing that then I am truely sorry.

 

[Ronin]

No grudges held, Lost.

I'm just explaining that people-ness of people don't go away, no matter how fragmented they are or are not at any given time.