I Can't Forgive My Ex

[Cepori]

I understand that its baffling from your side, as a supporter... I am a sufferer, and in my world, the back and forth is the name of the game. I don't want it to be like that. I would love to just be able to find a nice guy, settle down, start a family, etc.....just like EVERYONE else I know. But, that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I don't understand the other side, I don't understand how people get into steady relationships. I just don't understand. I'm sure this is how non-PTSD people feel.....they don't understand the opposite side, either. That is, they don't understand the PTSD side, just as I don't understand the non-PTSD side.

 

[Kebuhen]

May I ask, cepori, why you can't have them? I just don't understand? You say you desire all those things. Yet, you don't allow it to happen? Or what exactly?

I have stood by her through thick and thin and tried to love her unconditionally. I have accepted her and loved her completely as is and have told her I would never want her any different. So what prevents her from settling down smd loving me back? Can you help me to understand?

 

[Kebuhen]

Because it just feels like she just keeps running from me and it never makes sense to me.

 

[Ukavu]

You are allowing yourself to be a doormat. It is time to walk away and mean it. You do not deserve that treatment, and she may have something more than PTSD going on. Regardless, by taking her back each and every time, you are giving her permission to treat you badly. Move on. No one is worth the aggravation over and over ad infinitum, and your peace of mind should be sacred to you. If you are a good catch, find someone who can return what you have to offer, selflessly.

 

[Kebuhen]

I have felt like a doormat. I really have. You are right about that. And I have given her permission to treat me badly. I agree. I always just forgave because I thought it was PTSD related and that she was just learning how to cope with it. But it doesn't change. I can't keep forgiving. I have to walk. I just feel so angry. I want to believe it was unintentional, but I just don't see how it could have been. How do you accidentally rip someone's heart out so many times in a relationship? Over and over and over again?

 

[Ahur]

Unfortunately, because you let them. It is a learning experience. PTSD does not equate bad behaviour. If she was ready for a relationship, she would not be reeling you in and then letting you out again. Perhaps the relationship was comfortable for her, she may not know how to break things off, but there is a certain comfort in having someone around. At any rate it does not make you any lesser of a person because you have decided that you cannot cope with this particular relationship, PTSD or not. I don't think she knows what she wants, but you cannot continue to be her experiment in that area, if you want to survive with your emotions intact. She may not be the evil witch, I doubt she is sitting behind a door with the Bwah-ha-ha on her lips.But everything she is doing points to her unavailability for a committed relationship, and a roadblock in her healing. A committed relationship with anyone right now, is the last thing she needs while she is getting her act together.

You went back once, fine. Even a second time, okay. But you also have to look into yourself and ask yourself why you thought so little of yourself that you had to keep hitting your head against that brick wall, over and over again. Real relationships do not break up on a monthly basis. That's high school stuff, when puppy love abounds. If you are not uplifted most of the time, but hang on only for the minority "good" days, then you are selling yourself short of what it means to be in love, and a potential partner who can give as much as receive.

In all relationships, there will be bad times, and at some point they may outnumber the good for a limited time. But to start your relationship off like that is setting yourself up for heartache. Move on, learn, and eventually you will let your heart open up again, to the right person, for the right reasons.

I

 

[Ica]

Hi,

I just read your threat title and then your posts and now I'm wondering: Is it really her you cannot forgive?

I was in a cycle that was a lot like yours seems to have been and eventually I realized that one of the reasons I could not stop it is that I would have had to face myself, my own actions and my own anger at myself once I would have ended the relationship. I wasn't really unable to forgive him, I was unable to forgive myself. Having said that, I'm aware I am not you. I just thought I'd post anyways and you can see if there's some truth in this for you.

Best wishes.

 

[Afofu]

Okay it might not be the same but I had a friend who used to do this, be friendly, open, emotionally engaged and then once I was "hooked" would suddenly drop me or make me feel bad. I allowed this abusive cycle to continue for years because I always held out hope for change.
I eventually had to face my part in it and take back my right to be treated with respect, love and kindness, it was the hardest thing I've had to do in my life, but I walked away.
The ship will always sink if the captain won't fix the leak & believe me, they will only ever make it look like they're fixing the leak.
Wish her well, move on and take care of you. No contact, no giving in to the emotional blackmail.

 

[Kebuhen]

Thanks to all. It's been approaching two weeks now of no contact, and although every day is hard, I'm getting there. It's millimeter by millimeter getting better. Microscopic baby steps, but they are adding up something over the course of time.

I am actually thinking it is more along the lines of me not forgiving myself than her. That is true. I didn't have the strength to regulate proper boundaries and hold up to the things I'd normally expect in a relationship. I let everything slide, just for the sake of being with her. Being alone has given me the opportunity to see that. I lost myself and my sense of self respect in the relationship. I kept coming back because it was a temporary fix - it alleviated my pain for a while. But it always blew up in my face again eventually. And yet all I seemed to care about when we'd split was getting her back at all costs. I don't know why. I've never been so weak before. I've always stood my ground and had much more self respect than that.

I think I just always wanted to understand why. I could never make sense of any of it. But I think that's just something I'll have to resign myself to never having the answer to. She's broken up with me countless times, over and over again. Only to reunite. And go through it again. I wanted to understand what caused it. She's tried to explain. It never makes sense to me. I just have to accept what I cannot change and just let it go. I'm better off now.

I am mad at myself. Very much. But I am learning a valuable lesson. But I also am mad at her, as well. I really am. Doing some introspection, I do hold anger at her for all the seemingly nonsensical stuff that happened and I do blame it on her. I'll learn to work through the anger and move on, but I don't know if I could ever have her in my life again. Not after all the hurt that's been inflicted. Too much damage has been done.

 

[Cugunag]

I'm proud of you.

Letting go of something this deep is undeniably difficult but you are seeing what it's done to you and how it changed you from the person you used to be.

I often thought of it as an "addiction", that belief that things would change and so I had to acknowledge my responsibility to me and my life (and sanity).

There will be slips, don't fault yourself, just fall back into the No Contact regimen and remind yourself of how painful each return was and how much better you are without her.

You deserve your life on your terms.

Hugs.

 

[Kebuhen]

Thank you so much. Those words mean a lot to hear. And yes, I've often felt it was just like an addiction for me, for some reason. I've never experienced that before in my past relationships. Even if I was the one dumped, I always knew deep down it was for the best and I was always able to move on. For some reason, this time, with the PTSD in the mix, every time we would split, I'd feel like I was going through horrible withdrawals. I would feel like I craved her. Every day without her felt unbearable and intolerable. That's why I always went back. Because it was an instant relief to the misery I was feeling. I would call her and we would talk, and it always led to us getting back together. And that pain of missing her and craving her was instantly curbed.

I read somewhere that the pain of a breakup and the longing for that person is very similar to that of a cocaine withdrawal. That the same parts of the brain are effected. I've never done drugs, but I can certainly imagine this is true. I can feel it.

I'm just trying to get through it. A part of me doesn't understand why she kept letting me come back time and time again - only to keep doing this. One would think that if she missed me as much as she claimed to, she would learn to just stand by me and work through the hard times. Or if she knew she didn't want to be with me, she would stick to her guns. Hell, I don't know. This is where I find myself asking unanswerable questions.

I'm making it through. One day at a time. I will be okay.

 

[Kava]

Unanswerable questions are just that, unanswerable, it's we who struggle and put ourselves in pain trying to answer the questions rather than simply accepting that it's not for us to know.

You are not to blame for the cycle, you were merely the pawn being pushed around. You realize now that are not a pawn, you simply were human and hoping for reciprocal affection & appreciation....that always ended up being a smokescreen.

I'm still struggling to keep my guard up and not get sucked in again, it's been almost a year - I know what I'm doing is ultimately for my best interest but yeah, even though we were just friends, I felt that sensation of addiction & craving too.

I will be a better person by forgiving myself, loving myself and being only with people who can truly appreciate me.

You can do this.