Childhood I can't remember my abuser

[katgil33]

I'm going to try and write this the best that I can, but talking about this makes me an anxious mess and I'm shaking and near tears typing right now. When I was 5, maybe 6, somewhere in there, I was molested twice, I believe. I'm still trying to remember properly. I remember it being in my mom's bed and being forced to go into the room and then held down on the bed and forced to remove my clothes, and then my abuser running his finger over my genitals and trying to finger me. I protested and fought too much for him to actually fully do so, and I don't remember much after that. More importantly, I don't remember him. Does this mean I'm faking the abuse? Does this mean my mind made it up? It feels so very real. I've had panic attacks during sex, and have a fear of anyone but him touching me. It's destroyed me to my core in the sense of intimacy. I just don't remember who did it. Has anyone had anything similar?

 

[Suzetig]

Welcome to the forum @Katie Gilbert, it sounds like you're really trying to work out what might have happened to you. Our memory has a way of protecting us in traumatic situations and childhood memory particularly can be very fragmented. While I can't say what did or didn't happen to you, I wonder if you're able to be accepting of what you do remember and know that if/when you're able to cope with it, anything else that's there will come back to you. In other words, get support for the distress you feel now and let the other stuff go for now.

I've edited your post and thread title to take out the trigger warning, we don't use trigger warning on this site so please feel free to post as much or as little as you need to. Also have a read around, you'll see that many people do t remember fully what happened to them.

 

[The Albatross]

"Does this mean I'm faking the abuse? Does this mean my mind made it up?" No. Not necessarily.

 

[MoonGoddessHeart]

@The Albatross No, I have had similar experiences to you. I have terrifying flashbacks that make me feel like I am going absolutely crazy because I can't believe something so terrifying has happened to me. I am in therapy now... I suggest you talk to a therapist and start working through some of these feelings. You are now beginning to start your healing journey through your sexual abuse and I promise it is going to get better.