Relationship I Can't Seem To Get It Right

[Justmehere]

How did you unintentionally betray her trust?

 

[tsadlerj]

I was building a new bookshelf for her. When we (her son and I) were done we were taking the books off the old shelf when he found a piece of paper. I saw it and opened it and read it. What was on it was irrelevant (nothing more than key phrases for an internet search), but when I told her she got very upset with me. A couple weeks ago she told me that she hides things in her shelves. When I found the paper I wasn't thinking it would be anything, but the fact that I read it makes her feel betrayed. Like I invaded her privacy. I completely forgot that she told me she hid things there, and even when I read it and told her about it I didn't think it would be anything. But she had a former boyfriend go through her text messages and that ended their relationship. Trust is huge for her. It doesn't matter if there was just a smiley face on the paper, or if it was a private letter. The fact that I read it was a betrayal of trust to her. It was the last thing that I wanted to do. I wasn't even thinking. I just saw a piece of paper and read it. I messed up and I don't know what I can do to regain her trust. I'm scared I'm going to lose her

 

[Justmehere]

This doesn't sound like a case of you invading trust but her hypervigalence going into overdrive. She's trying to hold you responsible for the unresolved pain and trauma of past relationships, and it sounds like she isn't being fair to you. I can see why she would be jumpy, but at the same time, this is an extreme response. It's not like you were actively trying to search out private info. If you did it again and again and again, ok, I can see some room for her reaction. It sounds like she knew you were building the bookshelves... and probably knew you were clearing things off the shelves... right? Did you tell her you were doing this? If I hid something somewhere, like on a bookshelf, and I knew I hid stuff on it, and that my boyfriend was going to come in and build a new shelf, I would take off the really sensitive stuff I didn't want him to see before he was anywhere near it! Or I would ask him not too.

She might be unintentionally sabotaging things for herself out of anxiety of being too close than she can handle right now. I don't know.

Part of the balance supporters sometimes have to find, understanding the sufferer, accommodating them and their needs, but also not enabling sufferers being overly paranoid and jumpy. (There is potential for that to even make things worse over time - but that's a whole other subject.) You have needs too.

She may or may not be ready to be in a close relationship, and there may or may not be anything you can do about it - other than what you are already doing.

Is she in treatment?

 

[tsadlerj]

Yes she knew we were building the shelves (its the 3rd that's been built) but it doesn't matter whether or not she is being fair to me, or what the circumstances are of past relationships. The fact remains that she feels betrayed and no matter how many times I say sorry for making her upset she is still upset with me. As for treatment, she just started last week getting EMDR treatment and she goes again tomorrow for her second session with her therapist. She is an amazing woman who has been through so much in her life and it was a huge deal for her in the first place to let me in, and then to get treatment. I want to help her, and I understand that there is a push and pull when it comes to PTSD relationships, but right now I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I love her so much and would do anything for her

 

[Justmehere]

When people screw up, unintentional or not, all they can do is apologize, do what they can to remedy it and not do it again. Forgiveness is in the hands of the other person. Relationships require forgiveness. People are going to screw up at times.

If her PTSD and trauma history doesn't matter, then why are you here on the forum?

It does matter where her anger at fury at you is coming from. It changes what the solution is.

If she feels betrayed because you like cheated on her, I would say um, hey, dirtbag, you screwed up and you she's smart to kick you to the curb.

That is not the situation here - that's not how you portray it.

I think you two should talk to each other. This appears to be her post here about the same matter: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/i-feel-out-of-control.40642/

She says she feels out of control. It seems like that would be one of many signs that the solution here involves her getting help for her PTSD, not just you apologizing and trying to make everything ok.

 

[tsadlerj]

What I meant by saying that it doesn't matter, is that it doesn't matter what happened but how it has been preceived by her. Of course her past matters. Perhaps I didn't say that right, but I get your point, and yes the most important thing is that she does get help. I don't expect to make everything ok. I wish I could but I know I can't. I just want to be there for her in any way that she needs me to be. She is the love of my life and I can't stand the thought of losing her. Thanks for all your help @Justmehere . I just hope we can work it out because she is one of a kind and from the moment i met her I knew that she was the one for me

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree, please talk to her. This is her issue, but it seems that she posted and only wanted support for her side of the story as she replied that she wouldn't post anymore, instead she would talk to her friends who don't understand.

Yes, this is on her. I know you love her, but this is her issue. Don't start bending over backwards as it won't do her any favors. I mean she knew she put things in the shelf, and she told you to move the books. I think most people would have read the note. Why would anyone assume that a small scrap of paper had secrets on it?

 

[tsadlerj]

I think you are right @Solara . Most people probably would have read it but I think that is part of the problem. Human nature sucks and she expects more from me. Bottom line is that I set off a trigger and reacted poorly to it. I cant change that but I can learn from it

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it's important that you encourage open communication in the future. Is she in therapy? Trust issues don't just go away on their own if the underlying cause isn't dealt with.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm only curious, but why did you text her to tell her you'd found a note and read it? It seems a strange thing to do.

 

[tsadlerj]

@Meadowsweet I told her because I didnt think it was anything. She was at work and we were conversing.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Ok, I hope you'll forgive my inquisitiveness, I am trying to understand. If the paper was seemingly insignificant to you and it hadn't reminded you that she had told you there might be some private stuff in amongst the books, why was it significant enough to mention in conversation. Or, how, or in what context did you mention it?