I hope I am posting this in the right forum.
I don’t really know where to start but there has recently been a chain of events that has caused major chaos in my world and my feeling safe in my environment. I will start at the beginning hopefully I can get it on paper without going even crazier. Sorry if none of this makes sense I feel like I am on a broken Ferris wheel. I know that there may not be any detail in my writing.
At age four I have a memory of a rock coming through my window and our house being broken into. I know that as a child I had to sleep facing the door. I don’t really know why? At age six I was shot by accident and had to have a long surgery to remove the bullet that was lodged in my bone. I have very few memories from then till the time I was almost 12.( I have been told there was violent rages between my mother and father including chairs flying but again have no memories) I have no memory of being sexually abused but do remember having an imaginary twin that was being sexually hurt and humiliated. As a child could not stand being touched. I am still trying to understand this one.
I emigrated to the United States at 12 and was verbally abused on a daily basis by my mother. I was made fun of at school because I was different and had an accent. The only few people that I felt comfortable around were some of the teachers. Within a few months of moving to the U.S.A my mother decided to leave the country for two weeks without telling me or leaving me with any money. This action only made home life more difficult. I was trapped in an apartment with an abusive parent feeling like an alien in the outside world. I would regularly mutilate and harm myself to feel the pain.
I was date raped when I was 18 and my attacker tried to do it again. He locked me in a laundry room at work. Thankfully someone saved me the second time. Later in the same year I got locked in a keg cooler for 3 hours the room was small and I was trapped in a 1 degree C room in a T shirt and thin pants. I had laid the kegs down and was ready. Why I was saved I still don’t know?
A few years later I was trampled by people at a party and stopped breathing before someone noticed I was at the bottom of the heap full of people. Battered and bruised I was saved once again.
In my early 20’s I moved back to my home country, that still has major crime. I lived in a flat for 2 years that had bars on the windows and doors. At night I could hear guns being shot in a nearby suburb. Finally I moved into what was called safer neighborhood. I still had bars on my windows and doors and a brick fence around the premises and a dog that I had trained to kill. During this time I had 7 cars stolen over a 3 year period. I was not safe going any were...
Then the big one I had 5 armed robbers attack my staff and roommate while I was in my room with my dog trying to breath. I’m trapped I’m locked in I can’t breathe I know there are people in my house I’m sure I am going to be killed or violently raped or both. I have no were to go I just wait for impending doom. The door opens I see two of them and my dog attacks. Several minutes later I opened the door and the gardener was standing outside my door with blood coming from his head. I don’t quit know how to explain how I was feeling but my heart went through the roof.
Lots of lacking info, it’s just too hard to go into detail sorry.
And now to the almost present.
Just recently I had had an ear infection that a doctor decided to check for Cancer and did a Biopsy. The doctor whom had no bed side manor also informed me that if it was the big C that there was a 100% fatality rate. I found another Dr as soon as I could in order to get a second opinion. There just was not an answer to the mystery of my ear. To make a long story short 4 doctors later and a positive biopsy I was sent to a Cancer hospital. The doctor after 4 hours of waiting told me there were no signs of Cancer. This event has made all of the above information swirl around in my head it is totally as if all the worms were let out of there cans to wreak havoc.
I have again withdrawn from the world locking myself in my house feeling alone in everything. I am reanalyzing everything and everyone. I am in panic 24/7 I really do not know how to regain some of the control I once had. And like an idiot I quit smoking in the last month.
There are triggers everywhere. I canceled a trip because of the anxiety levels and the fact that I can not cope at the moment. My therapist believes this was all triggered by the cancer scare and I think that quitting smoking helped, as well as the chantix that I am now off of because it caused major issues.
I now sit on a never ending Ferris wheel of memories invading my brain, some of them old and some of them new. I have taken at least 200 steps backwards in my PTSD symptoms and my ability to have some control in my space. I am almost losing myself to myself. Weird statement I know. I will stop the rambling.
Screaming silently
Nighthawlk
I don’t really know where to start but there has recently been a chain of events that has caused major chaos in my world and my feeling safe in my environment. I will start at the beginning hopefully I can get it on paper without going even crazier. Sorry if none of this makes sense I feel like I am on a broken Ferris wheel. I know that there may not be any detail in my writing.
At age four I have a memory of a rock coming through my window and our house being broken into. I know that as a child I had to sleep facing the door. I don’t really know why? At age six I was shot by accident and had to have a long surgery to remove the bullet that was lodged in my bone. I have very few memories from then till the time I was almost 12.( I have been told there was violent rages between my mother and father including chairs flying but again have no memories) I have no memory of being sexually abused but do remember having an imaginary twin that was being sexually hurt and humiliated. As a child could not stand being touched. I am still trying to understand this one.
I emigrated to the United States at 12 and was verbally abused on a daily basis by my mother. I was made fun of at school because I was different and had an accent. The only few people that I felt comfortable around were some of the teachers. Within a few months of moving to the U.S.A my mother decided to leave the country for two weeks without telling me or leaving me with any money. This action only made home life more difficult. I was trapped in an apartment with an abusive parent feeling like an alien in the outside world. I would regularly mutilate and harm myself to feel the pain.
I was date raped when I was 18 and my attacker tried to do it again. He locked me in a laundry room at work. Thankfully someone saved me the second time. Later in the same year I got locked in a keg cooler for 3 hours the room was small and I was trapped in a 1 degree C room in a T shirt and thin pants. I had laid the kegs down and was ready. Why I was saved I still don’t know?
A few years later I was trampled by people at a party and stopped breathing before someone noticed I was at the bottom of the heap full of people. Battered and bruised I was saved once again.
In my early 20’s I moved back to my home country, that still has major crime. I lived in a flat for 2 years that had bars on the windows and doors. At night I could hear guns being shot in a nearby suburb. Finally I moved into what was called safer neighborhood. I still had bars on my windows and doors and a brick fence around the premises and a dog that I had trained to kill. During this time I had 7 cars stolen over a 3 year period. I was not safe going any were...
Then the big one I had 5 armed robbers attack my staff and roommate while I was in my room with my dog trying to breath. I’m trapped I’m locked in I can’t breathe I know there are people in my house I’m sure I am going to be killed or violently raped or both. I have no were to go I just wait for impending doom. The door opens I see two of them and my dog attacks. Several minutes later I opened the door and the gardener was standing outside my door with blood coming from his head. I don’t quit know how to explain how I was feeling but my heart went through the roof.
Lots of lacking info, it’s just too hard to go into detail sorry.
And now to the almost present.
Just recently I had had an ear infection that a doctor decided to check for Cancer and did a Biopsy. The doctor whom had no bed side manor also informed me that if it was the big C that there was a 100% fatality rate. I found another Dr as soon as I could in order to get a second opinion. There just was not an answer to the mystery of my ear. To make a long story short 4 doctors later and a positive biopsy I was sent to a Cancer hospital. The doctor after 4 hours of waiting told me there were no signs of Cancer. This event has made all of the above information swirl around in my head it is totally as if all the worms were let out of there cans to wreak havoc.
I have again withdrawn from the world locking myself in my house feeling alone in everything. I am reanalyzing everything and everyone. I am in panic 24/7 I really do not know how to regain some of the control I once had. And like an idiot I quit smoking in the last month.
There are triggers everywhere. I canceled a trip because of the anxiety levels and the fact that I can not cope at the moment. My therapist believes this was all triggered by the cancer scare and I think that quitting smoking helped, as well as the chantix that I am now off of because it caused major issues.
I now sit on a never ending Ferris wheel of memories invading my brain, some of them old and some of them new. I have taken at least 200 steps backwards in my PTSD symptoms and my ability to have some control in my space. I am almost losing myself to myself. Weird statement I know. I will stop the rambling.
Screaming silently
Nighthawlk
