Specific trigger within relationship that I can't seem to get over

[somerandomguy]

The bottom line is that you are allowed to have preferences for a partner. You're allowed to only want to be with a man who never watches porn. You're allowed to be with a man who has naturally red hair. You're allowed to be with a man who works for an airline. You're allowed to be with a man with eleven toes. All or any of those are allowed to be deal breakers for you.

However, if you have identified a deal breaker, it is your job to communicate and enforce it. If your boyfriend quits his job at the airline and starts working for a bank against your wishes? Ideally your boyfriend would know and understand your deal breakers and break up with you himself. But if not, it's your job to enforce your deal breaker, unless you decide not working for an airline isn't as big of a deal as you thought it was. And then you need to communicate that.

It would be great if everyone was aware of what they will or will not accept before going into a relationship. Because it's really not fair to get blindsided by things your partner suddenly has decided they can't accept.

 

[{hot~tea}]

I've got a few posts regarding this issue as well. I've been traumatised with porn too and I get triggered a lot if my boyfriend watched it. Eventually he stopped watching porn and it took me a looong time to accept that I am ok with the fact that I am not ok with porn.

I think that it isn't only for my trauma's but also because it feels disrespectful to me. You choose to share a life with me but sexually you would like to watch others. It doesn't feel right to me, it feels like cheating in my experience. I am very open about this issue with everyone and I met a lot of others who share this opinion. And I too struggled with 'I dont want to be that women who sets rules' but EVERY person has got certain things they (dis)like in relationships. Some people find it normal to eat fries every fri(e)day and this is just that one thing that makes my life bearable.

I stopped comparing my relationships to the public opinion, also delating all my socials helped a lot with this. I don't think it is 'restricting', I think it is finding a way to improve your day to day life and your relationship will be impacted with this as well. Most of the time just accepting what just is, will get A LOT of stress out of it.

Thanks for this input. I think there's a lot of shame tied into not being okay with porn, because of society's normalization of it. Any time that I've opened up to others about it in the past it's kind of backfired back at me with words like "EVERY man watches porn. It's normal. They're built different than women."

 

[qafish]

You're not alone in this. It is a common issue in relationships in certain countries, and it is banned in other countries. Google fight the new drug.

 

[PTSDisaster]

Thanks for this input. I think there's a lot of shame tied into not being okay with porn, because of society's normalization of it. Any time that I've opened up to others about it in the past it's kind of backfired back at me with words like "EVERY man watches porn. It's normal. They're built different than women."

Yep... Even my former therapist told me that my boyfriend must be lying because every man watches porn.

 

[caroline_13]

Yep... Even my former therapist told me that my boyfriend must be lying because every man watches porn.

That sounds troubling that your therapist would say that.

 

[{hot~tea}]

That sounds troubling that your therapist would say that.

I agree.

 

[Bo123]

I've got a few posts regarding this issue as well. I've been traumatised with porn too and I get triggered a lot if my boyfriend watched it. Eventually he stopped watching porn and it took me a looong time to accept that I am ok with the fact that I am not ok with porn.

I think that it isn't only for my trauma's but also because it feels disrespectful to me. You choose to share a life with me but sexually you would like to watch others. It doesn't feel right to me, it feels like cheating in my experience. I am very open about this issue with everyone and I met a lot of others who share this opinion. And I too struggled with 'I dont want to be that women who sets rules' but EVERY person has got certain things they (dis)like in relationships. Some people find it normal to eat fries every fri(e)day and this is just that one thing that makes my life bearable.

I stopped comparing my relationships to the public opinion, also delating all my socials helped a lot with this. I don't think it is 'restricting', I think it is finding a way to improve your day to day life and your relationship will be impacted with this as well. Most of the time just accepting what just is, will get A LOT of stress out of it.

Thank you so much for saying this. I’m a man and I feel this way too. I used to watch porn and it made me really lonely and disconnected. I found it as a teenager in the context of an emotionally unavilable family. The idea of a partner watching it makes me feel scared and sad. I want to feel secure with a partner and porn destabilizes that feeling for me…and this is true after years of therapy. I don’t need to waste my life trying to change my value system to align with our sick “sexually liberated yet emotionally lost” world.

 

[PTSDisaster]

Thank you so much for saying this. I’m a man and I feel this way too. I used to watch porn and it made me really lonely and disconnected. I found it as a teenager in the context of an emotionally unavilable family. The idea of a partner watching it makes me feel scared and sad. I want to feel secure with a partner and porn destabilizes that feeling for me…and this is true after years of therapy. I don’t need to waste my life trying to change my value system to align with our sick “sexually liberated yet emotionally lost” world.

Excactly! I'm also in therapy for years and how much time I've been spending to change my opinion and feelings for this is not ok. It's absolutely crazy if you're just scrolling on internet how much sexual posts there are. I want to thank you as well for sharing, and I really hope that you'll find peace and be 100% ok with yourself, even if it meands that all the rest of the world is crazy:)

 

[beaneeboo]

Just wanted to say that I would feel exactly like you in this situation..I have similar feelings and opinions about porn and it's a struggle for me... I wonder how much of how difficult this is for you it's because your internal compass is saying 'this isn't ok for me' but you're also trying to make it ok for his sake... but that's costly to you... and actually maybe it's less about seeing what he says/ does in this situation and thinking about where your boundary lies with it...

Would you be OK with him using porn and you just not knowing about it if it's unrealistic for him to stop? If it is unrealistic for him to stop, does he himself have a bit of an addiction which needs attention (instead of the issue being you)? Could there be some sort of compromise so that his use of porn doesn't cross over into your relationship e.g him watching it straight before seeing you

At the end of the day, if a partner does something in a relationship which is upsetting to the other person i think its perfectly reasonable to ask them to stop that behaviour... like 'Please can you not smoke in the house? I know you need and want to do it and it's hard to stop, but I really don't like it'.

Just my opinion though and I don't want to influence

 

[G3M]

Thank you so much for saying this. I’m a man and I feel this way too. I used to watch porn and it made me really lonely and disconnected. I found it as a teenager in the context of an emotionally unavilable family. The idea of a partner watching it makes me feel scared and sad. I want to feel secure with a partner and porn destabilizes that feeling for me…and this is true after years of therapy. I don’t need to waste my life trying to change my value system to align with our sick “sexually liberated yet emotionally lost” world.

Very well said!