I Can't Take It Anymore.

[healingangel90]

I hate feeling as bad as I do all the time. I'm always tired and sad. My parents are always piling more pressure on me and don't understand why it's so hard for me to do simple things. I wish they'd just take a look at me and realize how hurt I am. I've given them all the signs, but no one seems to notice or care. I gave them signs when I was little and being abused, but they just ignored it all. I think I'm allowed to be angry at them for this. I love them and I know they do care about me, but I'm mad that they are so ignorant. They see what they want. They treat me so differently compared to my brother. I have a fever right now, but can't tell them because I know I'll just get yelled at for getting sick. It's always my fault if I get sick.

If my brother has a cold or something, they act like it's the end of the world. He recently twisted his foot, and they took him to the hospital and made such a big deal out of it. I understand it hurt, and I have no problem with taking care of him. I've been doing the most taking care of him as it is. I wake up early to drive him to school, leave whatever I'm doing to go pick him up, wake up whenever he needs anything, and get him his food, medication, etc. I want to do that for him. But then when I think back to when I was a kid, I've twisted my ankle, sprained toes, dislocated a toe (I'm a dancer so lots of foot injuries)...

Even when I dislocated my toe, they refused to take me to the hospital even when I was in tears asking them to. My mom just gave me pain killers and told me to go to sleep, and she popped my toe back into place while I was asleep. They would also make me do my brother's schoolwork when he was younger. I know I probably just sound like a jealous big sister that doesn't get attention, but this really bothers me. I just feel like I'm not treated the same way, but I don't know what I did. They say things like I'm a failure and I'm not pretty, and how I'm dumb.

I'm actually a pretty smart person. In high school, I was an honors/AP straight A student, and sure the PTSD had a big affect on my grades in college, but I've stuck through and I'll be graduating on time with a double major. I've just always done everything I can to be the perfect daughter, but I'm realizing that nothing will ever be good enough for them. I've never heard them say that they're proud of me. Sorry for the rant, but something that just happened triggered all this.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Its ok to rant (((healingangel)))

 

[Abrasky]

sorry for your pain. Hope that you can find some healing.

You shouldnt' have to take anything, the only person who should make your expectations should be you. Sounds like your expectation is to be respected. I think that is a cool expectation actually.

 

[healingangel90]

Thanks a lot meadowsweet and maze. Respect would be nice. So would some support. If my professors can see that I have a problem and try to be understanding, why can't my own parents. I'm gonna go out for a drive or something and just try to get some air. Thanks again for your replies.

 

[maddog]

I'm so sorry HealingAngel. I know how it is to be the rejected child whose efforts to achieve and to do right are never enough. If this doesn't give you the right to vent some genuine and warranted distress and frustration, then I don't know what does.

This is an injustice that you should never have to endure. I hope you did take that drive, or found something nice to do for yourself that was only for and about you - you deserve it.

Maddog

 

[olaja]

((healingangel90))

Another "perfect daughter" here. My parents over-identified with my successes, but never gave me respect or credit for any of it. It was never enough. They used my success to buttress their own beliefs that they were perfect parents. In reality, they are in the running for Worst Parents Award.

Congrats for enduring everything you have, and I am impressed by your double major! My PTSD affected my academics in college as well. I know how hard it was to stick it out. Good for you!

 

[healingangel90]

Thanks so much maddog and olaja. I'm so sorry you both had to deal with this as well.

maddog - Thank you for saying I do have the right to be upset. I always feel like I overreact when it comes to things like this. And I did take that drive and I hope to find a few things that I can do just for myself and no one else :)

olaja - That sounds exactly like my parents. They constantly compare my successes with others around me, and want me not only to do well, but to be the best at everything so they can have bragging rights. In their minds, if I'm amazing, they're amazing because they raised me and taught me everything I know. Reality is that they were never around, and being a good parent would mean loving me through the bad along with the good and supporting me in my endeavors. I want them to be proud of me for all of the good things I've done instead of picking out every flaw. I know I'm a good person and I've gotten through so much in my life alone. It would be nice if they could see that too. Sorry this is so long! Got a little carried away haha.

 

[olaja]

Well, I hope it will get easier for you.

Are you able to move out on your own and be away from that environment?

 

[healingangel90]

I'm applying to jobs because the last place I worked closed down for the winter (ice cream shop). I hope to work now until summer and hopefully I can move out and support myself at that point. Just working out the finances and once that's done, I'll be moved out. :) I don't want to feel dependent on anyone anymore.

 

[olaja]

I am happy to read you have started making plans! It sounds very realistic and doable. Under the circumstances, it sounds like you would do well with your own space (shared with people other than your parents). Maybe then you will have room to heal, and to be yourself.

 

[Lucille]

Hi healingangel, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I too can relate to these type of issues with family. It's essentially what's standing in the way of me healing. I desperately want to work it out with my family, but I don't want to be delusional either. I'm trying to get better at realizing when they are letting me down and when they are being supportive. I believe that I developed PTSD originally because they weren't responding to my cries for help.

I've always been very expressive... but somehow they didn't realize that my anger was really just a front for my fear and sadness. They tried to brush me away as overreacting to things that were eating away at me. But they were always very supportive of me in school and such... it's just that they weren't there for me when it counted most... when I needed them most.

I'm also looking forward to graduating and being able to support myself. I don't want to cut my family off at all, but I do think I need some more space so that I don't ever have to feel like I'm psychologically trapped by them. I just hope I can find that happy medium someday.

Anyway, let me know if you ever need to talk! I hope the job is going well for you.
HUGS :inlove: