I Can't Take It Anymore!

[Deleted member 1860]

A little background info... I've written about my mother a number of times before and my relationship struggles with her. She was verbally/emotionally abusive to me as a child and she had a drinking problem as well. As an adult she does nothing but trample over any and all boundaries that I set.

I shut her out of my life after she started coming to my church a year and a half ago after a lifetime of proclaiming she was an atheist (and bashing God and religion every chance she could get). I started talking to her after six months. HUGE mistake. After seeing her I had the worst self-injuring episode of my life which ended up sending me to the ER. I am still dealing with the after effects of that injuring episode almost 14 months later. This past summer I made a comment about something and her response was one which told me that she was no true believer, that the church act was just an act. It really hurts to finally know that the one person who is supposed to love you in life is the same person who will try to destroy the most powerful healing force I have ever felt.

The holiday... Well the holiday brought out the worst in her controlling behavior. She couldn't control me for the entire day, so the alternative was to make me feel guilty for not giving in to her each and every whim. After a lifetime of dealing with this behavior, I can NOT take it any more! (Yes, I will be hearing about how I 'ruined' her holiday for YEARS to come!)

This past summer I decided to work toward a new career. I already have a number of degrees, but I earned them before I went fully symptomatic and of course, now my life is going in a new direction. I am currently on disability but want to get back into the work force, and this is a great way to do so as I will not only earn a degree, but get a lot of on the job experience as I earn the degree. Its an in demand career and it will give me more opportunities in the future. I can earn the degree for the cost of fees alone as tuition is free because I am on SSDI. An all around good thing, right? Right! Well the sad thing is that I can't even tell my mother because she is so judgmental. Yes, she has made disparaging comments about this career field in the past. Its in the medical field, so its nothing about the field itself, rather her way of looking down (cutting down) anything that doesn't meet with her approval. I refuse to tell her because the moment I open my mouth is the same moment I give her the power to cut me down, and I'll be damned if I hand her that opportunity on a silver platter.

I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired of having to lie and pretend I'm something I'm not. I'm tired of having to give in to her demands in order to prove that I love her. I'm tired of feeling guilty for not being the perfect daughter. I'm tired of being the black sheep (in her eyes) whom she is ashamed of. I'm simply TIRED. I know I can't continue to play her games anymore. I know its holding me back. I know I need to separate myself from her if I want to even have a chance at a decent future.

 

[digger]

I know I need to separate myself from her if I want to even have a chance at a decent future.

Can you identify what is stopping you doing that?

I have a similar relationship with my mother. My personal choice to not cut her out of my life is based on wanting to maintain relationships with other family members which would be extremely difficult to do otherwise. A combination of focussing on the reasons I'm keeping her in my life (the other people involved) and keeping contact to as much of a minimum as possible is how I deal with it. It's still very difficult though.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@digger,
Yes, the need for the love and approval of my mother. I know I will never get it. The guilt keeps me going back but I know I just can't do this anymore. I really do want a better future, and I know I can't get that if I am chained to the past.

I can honestly say that I don't care about losing relationships with anyone on her side of the family. Well, there pretty much are no relationships with and any of these people at this point. My brother and my sister won't cut me off if I cut off my mom. They are the only two that I care about. [My parents are divorcing so my dad isn't an issue, either.]

 

[darrenS]

i can relate in some ways to what your saying . My path at repairing my relationship with my parents and family started many years ago , after many years of a serious addictions and self destructive behavior. I learnt many things through that period, many of which i still apply today. After many attempts many years ago to have a better relationship , it became apparent that although i could change certain things , many things i could not and had to take an entirely different approach.

In order to live fully i had to move away , a long way away, I had to also accept my parents as they were, and accept that they were going to think and react the same way they always had, sure some things changed , but what really changed things was my approach. I no longer allowed their negative thoughts control who i was, i no longer allowed the guilt whipping etc, sure they still tried to guilt whip me into their way of doing things, but i quietly resisted their attempts with clear boundaries. Simple ones they could respond to and understand, if i got upset i simply removed myself.

But seriously what changed everything was my attitude to it, i gave myself the freedom to no longer care and accept that what i was searching for initially was simply not attainable. And most importantly i reach the point of forgiveness and acceptance about many things that had happened, and there was plenty, i came to understand that i had to do it on order to move on and survive, it became one less anchor to carry. It does not cancel out your abuse or the effects of it, it does not lessen it, but it does lessen the weight you carry and allows you to truly concentrate your energies.

I am in a similar job situation, i have ran my own business for many years , but recently decided on a complete change and started applying for some good jobs, i dont think they'll happen straight away, so in the meantime i have taken a filler job just to get back in the swings of things, be around people and just simply push myself to start living again - we really do have to pick our battles and direct our energies into whats important and stick with it

 

[digger]

Yes, the need for the love and approval of my mother. I know I will never get it.

Yeah. It's a hard one to swallow huh.

 

[Hope4future]

Parent relationships are so hard. There's so much to grieve at such a core level when you realize you can't get what you need and have a right to expect from your parents.

My parents are benign in so many ways, but are simply not emotionally available, so I've had to learn not to expect emotional support from them. I'm not much of a real person with them. They don't have a clue about my real life. They couldn't handle it. I find myself grieving it often.

I feel the pain and frustration in you post, Solara, and I wish I had something to offer other than a reminder that you are so much more than what your mother sees. You deserve respect and support and unconditional love. Her inability to give you that is her shortcoming, not yours. Be kind to yourself.

 

[City Slicker]

I think one of the hardest things to face is a mother that will not only not be able to give us what we needed and wanted but one that will actively attempt to destroy that which we have built and that which is precious to us. I don't think we ever lose the need to have our mothers' love and approval - hell, some of us would even settle for a mother that doesn't actively try to hurt us.

I think that need never really goes away. We just replace the people and find the ones that can truly appreciate who we are and give us portions of what we need. But yeah, even dealt with, there's always a hole there where a mother should have been.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

It really hurts to finally know that the one person who is supposed to love you in life is the same person who will try to destroy the most powerful healing force I have ever felt.

Back when I was starting to explore why I was "crazy" and looking for answers (I didn't even know PTSD existed) my dad also laughed in my face so I think I sort of can relate. But your mom can't destroy what is a powerful healing force for you. The fact that she can't feel it is sad, but then again it's not your business. I think its great you can feel it.

Your mom doesn't need to validate your accomplishments. They're awesome by their selves. You don't need your mom anymore. I know it's easy to say and the brain doesn't always work in helpful ways. I also went to see my mom two years ago after having barely any contact with her at all for about ten years. Just like you it was a very bad idea and set me off in a horrible way.

But it helped me realize that I don't need her to be happy. I don't need her approval, or encouragement. You say you can't take it anymore, I think you just came up with the solution yourself. You know what you want, now do what you want -it's okay to do so! Maybe there is guilt about it, but in my opinion you don't owe her anything. You'd owe her something if she had actually given you anything.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I just got off the phone with my mother and was reamed out for not calling her on Thanksgiving. She can't make me feel guilty because I didn't do anything wrong. Like you all, I keep my mother at arms length. I have not allowed her to come to my new condo. She will complain bitterly about my decision to downsize. But at least she doesn't care if we have a relationship.

She stood silently when my father was coming after me to smash my head in with a large cast iron skillet. She never protected me. When I finally got the courage up to tell her about my sexual abide, she said she knew my grandfather had lost his first family due to his abusing his relatives. And she let him take me on adventures. Ha! That was the last nail in my coffin. I can't be reminded how different my life would be if she protected me. All I can do is be the mother I never had for my kids.

Solara enough is enough! I can absolutely identify with you.

 

[Ellabella44]

have given up getting my mothers aproval... and like radise says you dont need parent approval to have self worth. I'm currently on an extended break from my own mother.. mine is similar situation in childhood, and now she only brings up anger , panic, grief and well bad things.... its not worth being with someone who will not acknowledge that they were this bad to you as a kid, who continues to verbally put you down, its a toxic relationship... what is important is taking time for you to heal as much as you can heal without being brought down from your healing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thank you all for your replies and your support. Today has been the weirdest day. I have just felt this odd (for me) sense of calmness. Well, at least I think its calmness! I rarely feel like this. I wouldn't say that I'm happy, but I'm not particularly depressed, either. Maybe a tad sad, but I am thinking that maybe this is a sense of relief? I don't think its numbness as that feels a bit different. I think that this is my mind telling me that this is definitely the right thing to do. I think I can intellectually feel a sense of loss, but finally being able to reframe things in my mind in terms of realizing that it really is a matter of choosing between my past and my future. I can sit here and try to fix things with my mom, but only at the expense of my future. Its sad that its come down to this, I know. I realize I'm repeating myself at this point, but it does help to say it again, as it reinforces things in my mind.

I'm sad for others who are dealing with the same thing. I know we all deserved better parents.

 

[nursenurse]

Hi Solara, no real words of wisdom here other than to echo the sentiments expressed so well by others. I have found that once you make the right decision for yourself, after all avenues have been tried, that the feeling of calm comes over you, as you will have made the best decision possible for you. No regrets, do not look back but only forward to the life that you so richly deserve. We are called to love other people in our lives, but we never have to like them, nor subject ourselves to behaviours that are detrimental to our own peace of soul. Parents included. We all wish it could be different, but too much wishing stops you from moving forward.