I Could Stop Some Of Them.

[Lissar]

Hi all,
Brand new to the forums, and am really reluctant to post about this because I can't seem to find anything else even remotely similar and because of fear of being judged, or grouped in with the "fake PTSD-ers".

So, first things first... I was abused emotionally/physically for about 6 years as a teenager. I don't really want to say more than that yet, except that I started self-harming at age 12 and developed anorexia (which has dominated my life for the past 15 years) at age 15.

During those years I very intentionally "learned" how to dissociate because I decided that the emotions were too painful, and for that matter useless, and I just needed to survive until I could leave home. It then took years in therapy before I could agree with a therapist that what had happened was in fact abuse that could result in PTSD.

The dissociation has continued to the point where I lose chunks of time or spend days feeling like I'm going through the motions but am not really "there". I have flashbacks that are beyond my control and that I'm just beginning to try to address and put words to and it is horrible and exhausting. All of that I've said to prove, if only to myself, that I DO have PTSD, and that what I've been through IS worthy of the pain and time lost and other struggles that I've experienced.

I am currently doing intensive trauma therapy. The focus is on putting words to the trauma, being able to feel and express emotions (I am just numb until completely overwhelmed), and identifying needs and how to get them met.

But here's the thing:

Sometimes in session when I feel myself starting to dissociate in the numbing sense or in the imminent-flashback sense, I don't always do everything I could to stop it, and that makes me feel like the horrible manipulative person that I was often told I was.

There are a few reasons I'm aware of as to why I do this, and probably many that I'm not. Some of the stuff I know is:

- I think some part of me needs my T to witness it; nobody was there to see it when it really happened
- I feel like the only time I can give myself permission to actually feel those horrible emotions and let myself cry at all is if I am, or at least perceived to be, in crisis and completely out of control --- I am so worn out from all the bottled up emotions and this is the only way I know to get them out
- When I go into a dissociative state my T pulls her chair closer, and will take my hands and rub my shoulders to help bring me back. I need and crave this closeness for the few moments that it breaks through the constant isolation and I feel connected and somewhat safe and because I really don't know how to soothe myself, and I truly don't know how to ask for it other than in this round-about way.

So my question is, has anyone else struggled with something similar, or am I the horrible person my mind is telling me I am?

 

[Casey_03]

You are not horrible at all, this is normal!

I feel like the only time I can give myself permission to actually feel those horrible emotions and let myself cry at all is if I am, or at least perceived to be, in crisis and completely out of control --- I am so worn out from all the bottled up emotions and this is the only way I know to get them out

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this; you shouldn't be feeling guilty or assuming that you should "do something to stop it." There's a reason it happens, and it's part of a natural healing process. And you are absolutely right to want to get the emotions out. I think it'd be really weird if you DIDN'T do that. I know I've done this, and I'm sure many others have. You're just being incredibly hard on yourself, that's all this is. You need to recognize that and see it for what it is - toxic shame and guilt from your traumas.

 

[Fadeaway]

You are in good company here, you will find that a lot of people here can relate. You don't have to prove it. It sounds like you didn't recive any validation in your life before your therapist. I am glad you are getting it now.

 

[mary1979]

You don't need to prove yourself at all.

If you say you are suffering, I for one believe you totally.

I think some of the 'old timers' here have probably had the unpleasant experience of internet 'trolls' who come along pretending to be unwell for attention and then wind up making trouble for everyone.
This would naturally make them suspicious of newcomers which is unfortunate.
They should learn to take new people at face value until shown otherwise, but hey, lack of trust is one of the biggest symptoms associated with trauma so that is inevitable here I guess lol

The manipulative side you speak of that you are so ashamed of?
Yeah :( I know that first hand.

I am definitely very capable of manipulative behaviours in my life.
I do it firstly because I wasn't shown any other way in my life to get the attention I craved.
I saw others use it successfully, so I did it.
And secondly, it was a cry (or scream if you will) for help.
Try not to beat yourself up too much for it (I know, easier said than done) as you learn healthier ways to get what you need those behaviours will fade xx


Welcome btw! There's plenty of love and understanding to be got from many of us here, it helps to both hear others stories and coping strategies, and offer support in return.
I hope you like it here enough to stay x

 

[Lissar]

You are not horrible at all, this is normal!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this; you shoul...

Thank you for this. I just feel so bad for putting my therapist through it when I COULD (sometimes) ground myself and prevent it from going so far. I feel like it's almost faking it in terms of making it seem like it's beyond my control when I could potentially get myself out of it (although not in a healthy way either... more by just shutting it down and disconnecting entirely, which isn't desirable either), although the emotions and needs behind it are always real. You really think this is just a part of the healing process for me?

I do know that I need to work on getting my needs met in more direct ways, which I am trying to do.

 

[Lissar]

You don't need to prove yourself at all.

If you say you are suffering, I for one believe you totally....

Wow, mary1979, thank you for being so honest... your response almost made me cry (which my therapist has been trying to get me to do for months, so congratulations haha!). It is nice to know there are others who have used "manipulative" behaviours to get needs met. And you're right... if I knew other ways, I would use those, but I guess that will come.

 

[Suzetig]

It does sound like it's healing for you - it would be wonderful if we could all ask directly for our needs to be met and trust that that will happen, but that's not always been the experience for a lot of people here.

I'd go so far as to say you're doing well to let your T see that part of you - it'll be useful for her to know what life can be like for you and seeing you in that place is a good thing. There will come a time when you're less triggered and need her comfort less but if it works for you and feels safe enough then I'd go with the flow.

 

[mary1979]

You are welcome, though I didn't want to make you cry, just not feel so alone..

Keep talking, honestly as you have ok?
And good luck!

 

[Casey_03]

@Lissar I do think this is just part of the healing process, and I think there is some part of you that is reluctant to let yourself forgive yourself, if that makes sense. So in a way, to me, this seems like a form of self-punishment, this beating yourself up for doing something that is totally normal to do. I was a lot like you when I first started facing PTSD, because I kept telling myself that what I'd been through wasn't that bad ... it took me a while to realize that, holy shit, no, it actually was bad. And like you, I would feel the same way any time I got emotional or started to dissociate -- like I didn't deserve to let myself feel, and I was just indulging in self pity if I did. But I was wrong, and I have come to realize that. I would advise you to bring this up with your therapist -- tell her/him exactly what you've told us here. I think you will feel some relief if you do that, and maybe she will have some good advice on how to deal with this.

 

[Fadeaway]

It can be very hard for us to ask for what we need, and you need that. If your therapist was to know, I don't think she would change how she responds. My therapist always says that you need to be comforted to learn how to comfort yourself.

 

[Lissar]

You are welcome, though I didn't want to make you cry, just not feel so alone..

Keep talking, honestl...

Good tears.. tears of "wow I'm not alone". :)

 

[mary1979]

Definitely not alone.

Everyone here is at different stages of their healing, for me, I began treatment almost 20 years ago at age 19.
I dealt with a lot of things that were holding me back from life and thought I was completely 'healed' by my mid 20's so stopped therapy.

Now I am in my late 30's and recently just woke up to the fact that not only have I not healed but in the process of hiding from myself I've created a whole new set of issues and regressed back to some of the old ones.
I'd neglected myself and stopped using the techniques I had learned in cognitive behaviour therapy.

Manipulative behaviours is one of the big ones I've returned to, and by your description I am probably worse for it than you (plus I should know better) I have been doing it to my loved ones, not just a therapist who's trained to identify these things.

Makes me feel like the biggest jerk, but half the battle is won if I can bring it into the light and talk about it.
Since I've started discussing it I identify it when I start to do it and can stop myself.

Now I just need to start asking for what I need again.
That's a whole other challenge lol