I Don’t Ever Feel Safe & I Know This Is Mainly What Holds Me Back


I don't know if this will help. I've been gone for a few months and in those few months something absolutely amazing has happened.

I grew up in a constant state of fear and survival. When I left the cult at 19, I was on my own, thrusted into a scary world that I didn't understand. I had to work, I had to survive. I've never truly felt safe. I've never truly had another person who cared. My ex was abusive. My family all hate me. The only person in this world I trust is my therapist. But I pay him. I don't have friends. I don't have family. I've been truly alone for many years now.

All that said, I emailed a pastor a few months ago. Early Nov maybe. I needed to figure out this religious shit in my head. I had myself believing I was atheist but that wasn't true. I had just taken all the religious shit in my head, shoved it all in a box, closed and locked it and never dared to go near it. I wouldn't even talk about it in therapy. It was truly suppressed. Which isn't healthy at all.

I happened upon a christian movie by mistake on Amazon video. It got me thinking. I've done this in the past. Emailed pastors for help to figure out this religious shit in my head. It has never gone well. People get frustrated at me. Or upset that I did something. And they leave. I had emailed a pastor. He answered but left in a week. Ghosted me. For no reason. I was like "f*ck it dude". But I couldn't, for the life of me, close that door I had just opened. I tried so hard and just couldn't. So, I took one more chance. I just googled for a local church where the head pastor's email was on their site. I took one more chance. And what has happened since is beyond amazing.

He answered. He is not judgemental at all. He took all the info about my past like a therapist would. The first pastor I've ever talked to that was ok with my past, was ok with the sexual nature of my brain and thoughts. Doesn't get frustrated at all. Doesn't get upset. He emails me almost every single day still. Most of the time multiple times in a day. I worked up the courage to meet with him and we now meet weekly on top of his near daily emails. He walked me through an empty church. All of this is exposure therapy. He oddly has zero therapy or trauma experience but reminds of me of my therapist. Our weekly meetings and almost daily emails go with my therapy really well. Like it's part of therapy.

He's not talking to me so that I can just go to his church. He's not talking to me just so that he can turn me into a believer. He's talking to me because he cares. He wants to help. He's a friend. The only friend I've ever had really. He cares about my wellbeing and offers to help with anything. He says that even if I say in the end "I don't believe in any of this" that we will still be friends. It's an odd feeling. And something I don't really know what to do with yet. A friend that will sit there and talk to you on the phone in the middle of the night just because he cares. He and his wife that is.

I say all of that to illustrate that I 100% understand the issue with not feeling safe and not having anyone in my life I can talk to. That's why my therapist found this site for me. Cause, I needed someone, anyone, to talk to. A support system of some kind. I was self destructing and I needed someone to talk to. It was going to kill me. I would of been dead by now if not for this site. But more, I needed someone in real life. I needed someone in real life that cared. That I could call in the middle of the night if I needed to. Someone that truly cared if I was alive or dead. A friend.

But none of that would of happened if I never got the courage up to try one last time. To send one last email.

We are trying to start a trauma small group in the church. Something I felt was really needed. If I was looking for that, others would be too. Someone was VERY interested in it and he had me meet with her in one of our weekly meetings. She is now another friend. In the church's Facebook page I posted something. A question. People answered. Someone made friends with me from that question. And I invited her to be part of the trauma small group.

This is SOOOOO scary for me. People terrify me. Religious people REALLY terrify me. I can't go to church with people in it. I can't even park at church and stay in my car and watch online. That's still too scary for me. But, my point in all of this is I took a chance. I am facing my fears. And while doing that, I met some amazing people and made friends. You need to face your fears to feel safe. If you never face your fears, you will not feel safe. Fear is what makes you not feel safe. And you can't meet people if you don't try to meet people. Hope that made sense. Isolation I know well. But if you never try to get out of isolation, then you will never get out of isolation. You have to take a chance on people to find good people. Yes, they will let you down. No one is perfect. But there are more good people then bad but how will you ever meet them if you don't take a chance?

This isn't about religion but I remember you are religious, right? Why not start there? Go to a church sermon. Find some people. Start talking to them and see where it goes. You don't have to trust them off the bat. But you do have to try to get out there. Try to break out of isolation. And the more good people you meet, the safer you will start to feel. Or thats how it's happening with me.

I hope this mess of words makes sense and helps. This is hard stuff. Thinking about ya Eve! 🤗