I Don`t Want To Dwell I Want Practical Advice To Heal

[Amalia]

*Sigh. This site has helped me through some very difficult times indeed. I took an overdose on Friday night. This was in response to the helplessness and frustration at the lack of support from the nhs. I have contracts finishing, due to commitment phobia I find permanent work very difficult to stay in. However the inconsistency of self employment is exhausting. I am paying for an hour a week psychotherapy but it`s nowhere near enough and I`m desperate to improve and impatient after suffering so much loss inmy life because of this chronic condition left undiagnosed for so long.

Can anyone identify with this: the biggest issue for me is ptsd steals my voice and my words. I effectively become mute and my mind goes blank. When I first meet people I`m fine and then as time goes on and the firendship develops I find my mind goes blank when I`m due to meet them and social phobia sets in too, as well as severe anxiety and often full on terror.
In relationships it starts when we become physically intimate. The terror is ... pure in its evil and ferocious in its strength. For the first time 2 years I tried to stay through `the fear`. I destroyed my ex who had his own issues anyway and sought reassurance and validation via contact with other women. I left for the 426th time and he has successfully and happily moved on with someone new, which seems to have been a massive trigger for my ptsd. It has been nearly five months now that I haven`t slept, have had nightmares every night etc etc. I feel terribly anxious in social situations atm and feel I will never feel safe. It took me two years to get a diagnosis, and now Pandora`s box has been opened and I can`t close it again.

Can anyone help? I don`t want to give up, I just can`t see the way forward. I know I need pyscho analytic counselling and lots of it but just can`t afford it; and the nhs won`t supply me with it.
I don`t want to wake up with blood and vomit everywhere again :-(

 

[Justmehere]

Amalia -

:hug: I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

Please, please go see a doctor ASAP. I don't want to scare you, but some drugs can have a fatal effects that kick in days later. (Even very common over the counter dugs can do this.)

You need to get medically checked out for the overdose as soon as possible. At the very least, please call a nurse or posion control or crisis line and tell them everything you took. Please be honest with them and tell them exactly what you took, if you can remember, and hopefully they can look up and see if medical intervention needs to be obtained for any physical impact of the overdose.

Once you get checked out and cleared medically, then there are lots of steps you can take to get more help and support. Right now, you need to get some medical support.

I'm really glad you are taking the brave step of reaching out here. Please keep reaching out. It's worth it to hang on through this.

 

[joeylittle]

@Amalia, I'm really sorry to hear what you went through. I want to reinforce what @Justmehere is saying - a whole bunch of medications are processed through the liver, and actually can take multiple days before they shut your liver down; you won't necessarily die, but you might need your liver replaced. I can promise you, although it sounds strange that you could have organ failure going on right now - it's really very, very possible for that to happen. Please go to the UK version of emergency services and tell them what you took, how much, etc.

I don`t want to give up, I just can`t see the way forward. I know I need pyscho analytic counselling and lots of it but just can`t afford it; and the nhs won`t supply me with it.

I don't have any right to be frustrated with the NHS, since I'm American - but I hate them anyway. It's really rough, how people can fall between the cracks as far as mental health services go. You must be incredibly frustrated.

I don't know if there's any kind of group you could get into, even one for only an aspect of your symptoms, like stress management. If you can keep thinking of the things that hold you back - the social anxiety, fear, mutism, phobia - as separate things (even though of course they are all connected), you can maybe find ways to support yourself a little bit on some of them, while you are waiting for more intensive help.

I'm not a good one to really recommend books, but I am a big believer in DBT for managing a big chunk of the noise that happens inside our brains. This website is a peer-to-peer resource: DBT Self Help, and there's lots of practical stuff there.

Or, if focusing on the actual mental health side is too overwhelming right now, can you take up a physical practice like yoga? It's great because it's social, but silent - meaning you don't need to make friends, but you are with a group of people - and it really helps you breathe, which matters a ton.

Keep posting here, too.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with both posters you need to go to emergency services and get checked out.

I also want to tell you that there is hope for you if you just hang on and do not give up on yourself.

I am so glad you reached out here and I encourage you to keep on reaching out as much as you need.

The healing process is a long journey that we take that goes through some seriously dark times. I remember it well even to the point of trying to kill myself as well but suicide is no longer an option for me after my one and only attempt. I realized that what I wanted was relief and escape from the pain and the rest that goes along with the bad memories and the grieving and the anger and the rage.

My journey was a very long one and now I am about managing symptoms but I also realize that the bad days will still come to me and I will have to manage the best I can.

I am not in the black hole of despair anymore and I feel real joy and many other good feelings in my life now and I have been through hell and back.

I understand the feelings of wanting more help and not getting it. I was there myself though I am an American.

You are so worth fighting for. Please do not give up and keep on posting and reaching out here for support and help. The people here have gotten me though some very dark moments in my life at a time when I was isolated and alone. Hugs.

 

[Amalia]

Thankyou for the posts guys, though I have been scared into making an appt with an emergency gp this morning. As you say, I didn`t want to die. When I am `me` I so like myself and my life. I hadn`t been on here for about 3 months before yesterday, maybe 4, because I couldn`t handle the listing of trauma thing that so many people seemed to do on here. I don`t want to list my traumas on here, I just want to heal.

But these are extraordinarily black times. It is the lonelieness and the labelling that kills me most. I don`t see myself as mentally ill, just a survivor who blocked everything for so damn long.

I want to believe I am worth fighting for; that my happiness is achievable and therefore worth fighting for. # tears.

I was woken by palpitations last night, was so scared.

Thankyou so much again for responding, I can`t tell you what it means to me. Any hugs hugely gratefully received; physical contact what I miss most; even though it triggers me :-(.

A.

 

[Sammyiam]

Amalia, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I have been trying to PM you but your inbox is full, please empty or PM me.
You don't have to list anything on here, that alone your traumas. Amalia you only have to say what you feel like saying and what will help you in your healing journey. We are all here to heal and you need to do what is best for you.

please take care

Sammy

 

[joeylittle]

I have been scared into making an appt with an emergency gp this morning.

Really proud of you, for what it's worth. And it really is the right thing. If this helps: when I started working on my trauma stuff, I thought I could basically do 1/4th of it - since so much of it was repetitive. I had never said any of it out loud and I did not want to do any more than was necessary. I figured I'd figure it out, and then somehow do the rest of it on my own...sigh.

But it actually feels good to have it slowly drifting away, piece by piece. It's slow, and it's hard, but once I started giving voice to things I realized that I didn't want to stop. You don't have to share anything you don't want to, here or anywhere. When you are ready, you will do what is right by you. :hug:

 

[SnowJo]

Thankyou for the posts guys, though I have been scared into making an appt with an emergency gp this morn...

You are worth fighting for! You can do it! Ensure you breathing deeply into your stomach, slowly to calm yourself in public places... I found to deal with people I needed to learn how to physically hold myself... I sit with the hard parts of my body towards the person I do not face my heart and chest towards them. That way I can look away when I need to self soothe and calm and remember ot focus on my breathing. Feeling stronger is what you need to get help with, go to doctor yes, but feel your backbone... you are stronger than you think... its ok to take your time to learn whether you trust people or not... go slowly and softly... lots and lots of self care is key... sleep is important, something that makes you happy - Movies? Food? Comedy? do you have a friend that you can call that makes you laugh? For getting stuff out.. write, draw, talk to a therapist.. but don't live in shit all the time... its important to have happiness too.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Amalia,:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Amalia]

Thankyou so much everyone; really. You`ve made me cry, but in a good way which is a first for me in a long while. I`d forgotten how awesome this site is. Massive :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: to all of you. Really.

I have a few friends, it`s just the friendships seem to be getting more and more difficult the more I discover about ptsd, bpd and myself.

I have to go to work now; as I said on chat, so goes the life of a high functioning suicidal case lol.

I will be back later, and I have decided to stop working for three months, go on government assistance and not be shy about it.
I need to rest. A real, proper, rest.

Thankyou all so much again - Sammy tried to pm you wouldn`t let me but will be back on here later hun.

Axxxxxx
(I don`t know if Xs are okay on here but it`s only in writing dudeys).

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Ama,
I have cleaned out by inbox so you should be able to now. Please let me know via this if you still carnt

Thinking of you

Sammy

 

[Amalia]

Just in case anyone was wondering my bloods al came back clear. A miracle given the alcohol abuse from the last 2 decades. I guess drinking water really does help. Thankyou again for the support X