I Don't Believe My Boyfriend When He Says He Will Always Be Here

[Mariah]

I love my boyfriend. I trust my boyfriend. Which really says a lot about him. The relationship is new but the connection is strong. I told him about my PTSD right away. I wasn't going to suck someone into so much drama if they didn't want to be a part of it. He seemed to understand but I knew it would be different once he actually saw it. And it was different. The whole week has been bad. I've been in my zone. And he is not used to it. He has never had to deal with anything like this before so it's hard for him. He didn't even know what it was. He reacts to my reactions and just doesn't understand what is really happening. I'm so bad at explaining it too because I loath talking about it. He eagerly agreed to attend my therapy session with me next week, which I so much appreciated. I told him it meant everything to me that he was going and he said, "Love, it means everything to us." So sweet right? He's been trying really hard to learn and help me, he reassures me every day that he isn't going anywhere and that he loves me. He has given me no reason to believe he's going to leave. But everybody is my life has left. Literally everybody. Even the other people who are in my life now have left at some point, but then came back. And I look around and nobody is faithful or trustworthy anymore. I just don't believe he will be able to handle me or my PTSD in the long run. The last week was so bad because he was not used to seeing me that way. I think he will learn how to handle me better, but PTSD is such an unpredictable disease. I never know how my day will go. I love him, I want to see what happens, but I'm so scared, and I'm also so scared that my fear is going to get in the way. So sick of being afraid.

 

[Friday]

Anyone who says they will always be there... I consider to be very young. But then, I'm jaded. Even in a 50 year marriage, someone has to die first. That they're planning on it being me gives me a bit of a chuckle if nothing else does. I don't even know if I'll be around in 6 months, though, so perhaps they're more practical than my gut thinks.

Something that would be good for him to read:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Can't prove it to me either. As someone who is getting a divorce, I don't believe someone if they tell me they will always be there. I fell for that once and I'm not doing so again.

 

[Glara]

Well, I'm not young and I said it to my ex and I meant it. I meant I'd be there for him as long as I lived, if he wanted me to. But he pushed me away, he's the one with PTSD. I would have done anything for him, within my power, and told him that as well. He told me he never promised or even insinuated anything. He most certainly did, and I have the texts that prove it. So, what do I do now? How can I be there when he pushes me away? Do I wait 1month, 3 months, 6 months, 6 years??? I mean, he has to take some responsibility. How can I wait when I don't know if he'll ever be back? As as sufferer, what do you want from your partner? What do you expect? What would you want to your partner to do? If I had known that it would unfold like this, I would have asked him these questions early on, when things were good. I just didn't know he'd say those things. And how do I know if he just wanted to break it off and blame it on PTSD? I guess what I'm saying is a person can tell you they'll always be there for you, but you have to be realistic. They will die someday. And if you push them away for too long they may be gone if you come back someday... because they don't have a choice.

 

[illusionist]

Hi Mariah.
One of the things that helped me big time was the lack of verbal commitment....we never have spoken of the future. We live a committed life but will never make a promise...it's his actions that I trust not any promises that realistically may not be kept. For some reason I've learned to trust him and our relationship because of this. Just take your time, go at a pace that gives you time to develop trust etc. Even after 7 years we are living for the moment and can only hope for the future.

 

[anonymous]

Everyone has their breaking point, so in that sense, only the co-dependent partner will ALWAYS be there.

All the more reason to work hard on healing.

 

[Neverthesame]

I don't envy you this. I agree that being upfront about it is the best way to go. Doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell if it doesn't work out.

Hopefully some learning and experience will make him a better boyfriend. All you can do right now is wait and see.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm... my weird default brain says statistically 50/50% risk of whether or not "he'll be there" for me... or less considering I have chronic illnesses, PTSD and a sexual dysfunction. BUT (big but) I do not doubt the sincerity of my partner when he tells me things like this to be a source of comfort or to reaffirm his loyalty to me at that time. I change, he changes, situations and circumstances change... habits, communication styles and behavior changes... life is change. I just tend to default to the mindset that is hopeful and act accordingly. If something happens later, I'll deal with it... LATER. I do not let it dominate my mood, mind or behavior today.

 

[Yugogypsy]

I've been married to Vietnam vet with PTSD for almost 18 years until 8 years ago, my own PTSD developed and he identified it in me. I went through a traumatic experience 7 and 5 years ago and I got PTSD as a result of both traumatic situations. In the last five years, we've gone through a rough patch in our marriage and he keeps saying that he won't abandon his comrades in the war field. He considered me worth it and calls me a comrade (a little ole Deaf woman like me). If your boyfriend considers you worth it, he'll stick by your side and learn to grow. One of the traumatic experience is when my husband was in an accident and in my traumatic situation, the real fears of abandonment came up as it did in my childhood being repeated. I, too, didn't want to invite him into all that "drama" of my own PTSD but after it was all over, he says I'm still worth it and still doesn't abandon his comrades. Now here we are, two people with PTSD in different forms and we're learning to deal with it. He says that I got too many triggers to deal with as he's got his own triggers and plus some more. He still attends the veterans with PTSD meetings and I go to my own therapy for it. Sometimes he gets called in to help the veterans out and I get called in by the women abused advocacy services to help out. It's all worth it if it's with the right person in dealing with abandonment. Just wanted to say something. Somewhere along the line, someone's worth it.

 

[Kefira]

Everyone has their breaking point, so in that sense, only the co-dependent partner will ALWAYS be there.

BUT (big but) I do not doubt the sincerity of my partner when he tells me things like this to be a source of comfort or to reaffirm his loyalty to me at that time.

I float somewhere in between here. I've fought hard to stop the knee jerk reaction of being angry or hurt when someone says this. I have lost almost everyone. I currently have one friend I've known for more than 3 years. I push people away and or I find the wrong people for me.

I used to (especially with younger more naive people who were pledging to always be there for me in a more romantic sense) pull out something like "Yeah? If I stab you in the gut for no reason whatsoever and you recover are you still going to be there?".

Expression of loyalty in friendship? I do a little better with that. Probably because I am fiercely dedicated to the people I choose to stand behind. But I also never make that promise. Because once I am done with someone, I am done. And everyone has their breaking point. Saying I'll always be there, though, is to my mind short sighted and not honoring that I have my limits. Hearing someone else say it to me just makes me laugh in my head- "Yeah, you'll be there. Right up until the point where you aren't. Just like anyone else". On the other hand, "It's okay, I'm not going anywhere and you can talk to me" sorts of things can be comforting. Tells me I'm not through to that breaking point, at least not yet.