I Don't Care

[Chava]

Ending therapy arbitrarily because of insurance. Not interested in doctor's only referral within my network for my symptoms. I'm not working on this trauma shit anymore because I'm not going to fix it and I don't know who to trust with it. I can focus on my work and at least feel good about that. I've worked really hard, turned self-hatred into self-care, generally (no perfection here). But it's been exhausting and I'm sick of caring. I'm done with new doctors, new therapists, new people in general, new challenges, trying to unravel complex trauma. I might get a med change for my pain meds. Keeping it simple. That's enough.

I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you do care, you're just a bit burned out. No problems with taking a break from therapy. I'm on a therapy break right now, and I know others are as well. The common belief is that therapy=working on your problems. This isn't really so. Many people go to therapy and never do any work (ie just go through the motions), or go just to unload their problems on someone via verbal diarrhea, a paid friend if you will. And then there are those who don't go to therapy but do TONS of work on healing. Maybe you are currently in this phase? Not everything we need to know can be learned in healing. I honestly think that real life experience and testing out our skills in the real world is a lot of work, neither of which can be gained in a therapeutic setting.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I understand. I used to have a bumper sticker that said I am not apathetic I just do not care anymore.

A really good song to listen to right now, is Phil Collins I do not care anymore. It is a great song that helped me to express my anger when I needed it.

I finally quit therapy when I realized I would be going to therapy the rest of my life and I decided it was time for me to start learning how to think for myself.

However having said that, Later on I had EDMR and tune ups with a therapist as needed. I wish you the best. I can hear your agonized frustration and rage.

 

[digger]

At times when I've had to be dealing with physical illnesses and chronic pain, I couldn't care about the trauma shit. Not that it wasn't still causing issues too but I literally didn't have the energy spare to work on it in therapy because I needed it all for getting through the pain, getting through the stress of hospital appointments/doctors etc, getting through the day. Luckily I had a therapist who recognised that.

You've had a lot of stuff to deal with recently aside from the trauma shit. I think sometimes keeping it simple is enough. Sometimes it's necessary.

 

[theotherside]

I understand

Hope everything gets easier soon

 

[Chava]

Thanks everyone...

Holy crap I am sick of everything. But I ordered the books a pain psych recommended today...just not going back because behavioral approaches overwhelm me (had lots of that with anorexia and it made everything worse). Also have a weird relationship to my pain.

 

[Hope4Now]

I understand that. We can only deal with so much at a time.

Did the doctor recommend Peter Levine's Healing Chronic Pain? It is a good book with a CD.
I also went to a free pain management group that is run out of one of the local hospitals. It is a support group run by a psychologist, so no processing per se. It was not a good match for me...very triggering to parts of me...(I'm not ready for group stuff) but I could see and hear from others how helpful it had been to them. Maybe the doc knows of such a thing if it is something you'd be interested in.

Take care of you in the best way you can, Chava.

 

[jaccat]

A little off topic but thought you might like it:

A while back a lot of the guys at work started using the term CBA. Don't know if it's from text-speak or something they made up. Anyway it stood for Can't Be Arsed. People had CBA days, if there was something they didn't want to do they were CBA, someone was playing up they were suffering from CBA, and so on.

It didn't seem quite right so I invented a new term for me. CGAS:

Couldn't give a s***t!:sneaky:

 

[Chava]

Thanks @jaccat and @Hope4Now . I know there are things I can do on my own to help pain a bit. When I'm not right in the head, it doesn't matter to me enough though. I totally loath behavioral approaches (would be pain psych angle). I've ended up in the hospital for anorexia...seems like the standard approach to eating disorders is behavioral or CBT, worse once hospitalized. Nobody seemed to be able to help me understand or work through the underlying regulation problems. I finally gained some weight with the help of a therapist and dietician who weren't nit-picking my behavior or treating all of my choices as fundamentally f*cked up. But still I developed the chronic pain because my body still couldn't handle the feelings (somatic sensations and emotions). My pain has some structural element but is definitely heavily psych or trauma related.

If I can't do the therapy I've been doing I think I'll feel safer on my own because there isn't the added shaming I felt with behavioral approaches. I don't hate my pain or want to "overcome" it. I more feel myself and not well integrated or like I've crumbled and can't support myself well. My pain sometimes feels like a confused attempt at holding myself up and going on, and some days that's probably the best I can do. I'm smart and logical, I can make goals for myself and change behaviors, but this is beyond that. My pain is doing something for me that I cannot otherwise do for myself. So, I'm tired of caring or trying to fix any of this. I just have to let my body be, and keep taking care of myself as well as I can any day. I am f*cked up on painkillers today but plan to get to meditation group this weekend and go for walks.

 

[ghotiff]

Your comment that you are tired of trying to fix this resonated with me.

In chemotherapy there is a known thing called "treatment fatigue". When a patient gets this way, they are told to take a break, even though they still "need" the chemo.

Maybe this is where you are at, and a break is exactly what you need and should do.

One of my thoughts is...if you have no energy for the fight, don't go to battle.

 

[Chava]

I'd have energy to continue with current therapist. I think what it comes down to is not having energy to start over, or do some mash up of a few other specialists to make up for lack of body focused trauma therapy within my network. With my current therapist we've been able to go very slow, but I've gotten over the exhausting initial stuff of worrying she'd dump me all the time. And yet that's what it feels like anyway. So I don't have energy for treatment in this general sense. It is a lot of work. Meeting new therapists really drains me. I will take a break from trauma work forever but maybe look at alternative ways to manage some of the symptoms. Better sleeping meds too. I just can't do a couple years of trauma therapy and then be f*cked over by my insurance company.

So...maybe I'm a little pissed off. This happens right before I stop caring. I'm trying to get to the not caring part. It used to be easier. It does conserve a lot of energy.