I don't even know anymore

[JadeE74]

Depression is getting worse, I'm trying hard in therapy, do brainspotting, but I feel like since nothing is really helping, why should I keep putting in the effort?
My daughter has been sick for over a year, we have visited Children's and mayo clinic, no one helps her. No one! I think she is my biggest reason I can't give up on myself right now, because who would keep fighting for her? But I surely want to give up on me. I'm tired, I'm mentally drained, really really drained. At first it was easy to go from Dr to Dr, bc your figuring it out, but now I'm losing patience, I'm sometimes mean to Drs. My messages aren't nice, not vulgar either.
I'm trying hard to work on my ptsd, I'm working on my past in therapy, I don't have time in therapy to work through what I'm going through in the present. I really feel like I'd be happier not being here.I haven't given in to "old" coping skills, but it's so hard not to cut, not to put my finger down my throat, not to buy cigarettes. I feel like things trigger me more easily now. I try to use my grounding skills, but they don't come naturally, and they don't always work.

 

[Marisea]

My son was ill for years. He could swallow with out discomfort and vomited in his sleep. He was so thin people thought he had aids. I thought he would die. I felt so terrified and guilty and helpless. After searching for years with many misdiagnosis he was finally diagnosed with achalasia. This means a valve in his stomach wasn't working properly. He has since had an operation and is nearly symptom free plus he has put on weight. Thank God. He was told my some doctors it was in his head, that he was lying and had an eating problem. God the stress of this time was terrible. I feel for you and what you are going through. I have had a lot of trauma in my life but watching my son fade away was worse in a way as it was happening to him and not me. I hope you get the help you need soon.

 

[JadeE74]

Thank you so much, I don't understand how my daughter has so many positive tests, and Kerberos only gaining weight, andthe center of her appts is lose weight! Her ana is as high a they test, her dsnda out whatever is agonist200x

 

[JadeE74]

Oops, almost 200x higher, her liver enzymes only get higher and higher every test, but they say lose weight bc it's fatty liver, they went say she has lupus bc they claim she only has high blood work and nothing else, what? I can list about 20 symptoms my daughter has, ok, not all lupus symptoms but some, her thyroid is hypo, but ok on meds.
Your right, in some ways this is harder. I asked for another test yesterday, but I knew I have to wait till tomorrow to hear back. If they can't figure it out, then I'm going to research and start ruling things in or out myself, but inbetween all that, I'm so lost as a person ave who I am anymore. I go through motions of life, like a robot, no emotion, only sadness, but I have to hide behind smiles for my family....

 

[Marisea]

That I so hard putting on a brave face when feeling so bad. It's is also exhausting. I did it for years. My health suffered cfs, cancer and other weird things. I wish I could be of some help to you. Antidepressants helped me plus therapy and being alone for periods of time so I could find myself again. Also long hot baths have always helped. It is very hard I found having to care for others when i felt lost.

 

[JadeE74]

That I so hard putting on a brave face when feeling so bad. It's is also exhausting. I did it for years...

Thank you for your encouagement. I have many side effects from the meds, but was taking rhodiola rosia, ( natural med) but haven't been able to afford getting more at the moment. Plus my psych nurse mugged to a new place and refuses to take me as her patient again, she says there's nothing more she can do, she worked hard on helping me find this natural med and dosing. So I'm not sure after 6 years Of helping me,why she refuses to see me. Trust me, that blow didn't help me mentally. So I have no nurse to kinda just help me keep tabs on my keychain, her replacement said come back if I decide to try the prescription, shequit wheel with me on the natural stuff. Is line my body Durant metabolize drugs, so I get overdose effects in around 4 to 5 days, that's scary to me, even on tiny doses, it all builds up.
Sorry, off track there, I feel like so much is against me. My past is ruining my present