I Dont Even Know

[theotherside]

I am feeling the worst fear right now. I could barely type from shaking. I tried to workout but that didnt help.

I get to this place of fear that is paralyzing and all i can do is to hide in a dark room on the floor curled up.

I have for so long just wanted to feel safe. I never felt safe as I child. NEVER. Both parents were horrible and split up and I had to deal with way way way too much im not even going there right now. They didnt save me. Mom didnt save me from dad. I tried to get her help. But she didnt. She made everything worse.

And here i am scared to death. Locked in my house hiding scared to death someone will come and break down my door. My body wont relax. I Cant function. All i want is to feel safe. Even if im not happy i just want to feel safe.

I cant handle any stress or problems. This is what happens to me. This is where i go.


Does anyone understand me?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yes, I totally understand you. I suffered from fear since childhood. It got better when I became a mother for some reason. I felt unsafe at my last neighborhood because I had an ex anusive boyfriend and I was afraid he'd break in and kill me. I found out he moved down south and I also moved so I feel better. Fear is my biggest obstacle in my healing. I have an excellent trauma therapist and he's helped me discover ways to empower myself. Like standing up for myself when someone abuses their power over me, for instance.

I have spent many hours of my life hiding from the unknown as a child I never knew when the abuse would come. I only knew that it would, so there I learned to be waiting for it.

You are now grown. It's ok to let go of that fear. You are smarter and braver than you think you are. Try to learn what triggers you so that you can meet it head on with rational thoughts. I hope you are in therapy and practicing survival skills that help you feel empowered. It's hell, it really is. But there is also freedom and you must remember that you deserve that more than anything.

 

[Dana1010]

Lately I've been waking up overcome with terror in the night and when I nap during the day. I tried pretty much all rational ways of dealing with it to no avail. So now I just give it to God--no, I'm not really religious, but with PTSD, it's whatever works. The terror is so much bigger than I am anyway, how could I expect to stand up to it? So I just say, "God, I'm giving this fear to you. Take it from me. It's yours."

 

[Deleted member 28942]

For me it helps to last in my bad covered under the sheets and giving myself butterfly hugs or hugging the pillow tightly. I stay like this for as long as I need. After a while the fear goes away. Also listening to some songs can help. Like Sinead OCONNOR This is to Mother You or The Healing Room or any song that feels comforting to you.

 

[theotherside]

All i can do is cry and cry and say over and over please god help me and my family. I need relief

 

[KwanYingirl]

Do you know what triggered you?

 

[theotherside]

Yes I do. It's fear of a social interaction/relationship. I have been isolating for months, have no friends, no real support and Im afraid to meet or get to know ANYONE because who knows what I will do, start crying, running, get angry, panic attack, flashback, dissociate. (It is so very clear that I no longer have control of my emotions..like I will cry or have a flashback or panic attack in public. I have NEVER been like this in my whole life. I was always social and wanted to be around people and meet new people. Now I have a genuine fear of anyone who tries to get too close. My kids made a new friend and the parents want to get together and Im just a mess.

I was hoping to hold out until I adjust and find the right meds ( im working with a doctor currently)

my fear is paralyzing and very real.

To make matters worse I have an enormous amount of guilt and feel so very sad for my kids that I am now like this, plus anger towards my parents and other abusers that I feel contributed to my PTSD.

I thought I just wanted to be happy but now I know most important is that I feel safe and I dont know how to feel safe anymore or handle my crippling fear.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@theotherside do you have a trauma therapists to work with? My therapists is really helpful in helping me calm down and find a safe place. If you don't have a trauma therapists I suggest you find one. It has been really helpful for me.