General I Don't Know How To Be His Friend.

[here4him]

I was dating a guy with combat PTSD up until last week. He goes to therapy (individual and recently group) and takes medication and thought he was ready for a relationship. Last week, he told me he wasn't ready and that he needs to do something drastic and was looking into inpatient treatment programs through the VA. He said we'd still talk and hang out and that he wasn't going anywhere and I was totally confused as to what I should do. Do I wait for him or move on. I talked to him yesterday and got my answer. He said the stress of the expectations within a relationship was too much for him right now. For four years he had accepted that this was the way his life was going to be and had medicated (through a doctor, not through drinking or anything) the symptoms, but it wasn't working anymore. He needs to deal with the issues. I asked what he wanted me to do and he said, "Right now, I just need a friend." I know this means I can't call and/or text him everyday like we used to do, but I guess I'm not really sure how to be his friend. I worried that by not talking or texting that he would think I didn't care and I told him that. He said, "I don't talk to my dad every day, but I still care about him and I know he cares about me. If I don't talk to you every day, I will still care about you and I know you care about me." I don't want to create added stress in his life and I know I have to get my emotions together before I talk to him again because he has told me that when I'm upset it upsets him.

I guess I'm just not sure how to be a friend to someone with PTSD. I don't want to create added stress. I'm going on vacation next week (great timing, huh) and I was considering giving him a call when I get back and seeing if he'd like to hang out and watch the ball game the following Saturday. No pressure. If he says no, I won't take it personally... Well, I'll try to not take it personally. I won't let him know if I do. I figure I can go to his house and we can order pizza or something. We don't have to go anywhere where there is added stress (the crowds in restaurants bother him). Does this sound like a good plan or should I take a different approach?

 

[Mcll]

Ok, speaking as someone with PTSD I can relate to the way he acts. I've pretty much been the same way for many years. I've pushed away from people, most of all my husband and it's not because I don't care. I think you are doing everything right in your current situation. He has things to work out and he probably feels he would be a burden on others. Consider and take care of yourself first and then I think you'll be able to be a good supporter and friend to him. Best of luck to you.

 

[here4him]

Thanks for the response. It is great to hear that I'm on the right track. I desperately want to be his friend. I love this guy, but it is a fine line between being there for him and causing him stress.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Hey H4h,

Look at the link to the stress cup explanation [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]

It will explain why he cant be with you all the time, why he just needs a friend when he is struggling.

Here is the most difficult thing to accept as a supporter: We can so easily be the stressor that causes the cup to overflow, without even doing anything that we regard as stressful. Just the added stress of having to put on a facad for you, trying to pretend that everything is just fine and dandy can cause the sufferers cup to overflow.

Give him the space he needs, dont suggest the movie or the pizza, the going over to his place. Let him suggest it to you, he will when he feels ready and able. When he has a day that he is more able to deal with his terrors. Just let him know that you are his friend, and that you will be there when he needs/wants you. That will give him the peace he needs right now.

I am telling you its going to be difficult for you, and it will be. But if you can give him that space you will reap the rewards when he gets back to you. I did with my wife, and it made it all worthwhile. She gets her space when she needs it, and she respects me for giving it to her.

Look after yourself, live your life, enjoy your life. He needs you to do that.

 

[here4him]

Oh, believe me, I'm very familiar with the cup. That is the one thing that clicked when he told me the stress of expectations of a relationship were too much for him. He knows I'm his friend, he knows I care about him, and he knows I'm always here for him. I have no doubt about that. He has opened up to me and told me, according to him, more than he has told his dad or his therapist. So, he knows I'll listen and that he can talk to me about anything without judgement or me trying to hand out advice.

I guess, I just wonder when he says, "Have fun on vacation, come back and let me know how it went," does he really want me to give him a call when I get back and tell him all about it? In a normal relationship, I'd say yes, but with PTSD, I'm not sure. He also told me he didn't want to cut me out of his life and he still wanted to talk to me and that I could call or text him anytime I wanted to, but I know that isn't really the case.

 

[discarded]

Hi Here4him

I have just left my husband of 27 years because he asked me to. He has PTSD from military service and says he just wants a friend. I too don't know how to be just a friend after all these years. Good luck.